How did you find the strength to leave?

[bloodyiphone]

Been reading and lurking for ages, I just need some advice and support from those who have walked away who have been brave enough to do it? How? when? how do you find the strength to do it?

It's on my mind day-in-day-out and has been for the last 2 years, it's driving me literally mad living under stress, I'm sick all the time, it's just so low level and it's killing me thinking about hurting my boys (11) & (15)

I'm done, no return, I simply feel nothing, zero, not a thing for my husband, I fall into that category of there is nothing "wrong" with him, lovely kind.. But it's like living with my annoying boring brother and I simply don't find him attractive at all.

The last 2 weeks at home in the same house, I've had to keep going out to walk to get away, I feel like a caged animal and keep welling up knowing I have to do this, but I can't work out when or how?

Every time I think that's it, something crops up, like Christmas, birthdays events I can't seem to cancel and now I've got myself well and truly stuck.

I just need some stories some support, how on earth did you do it and make that first step?

Honestly I just kept thinking that life was too short to be with someone that didn’t love me. And I kept thinking of my DDs watching me and how I had to be a good role model for them. I wanted them to know you don’t stay in a long term situation where you are miserable. How could I teach them that by staying? I couldn’t. So I just had to end it.

He wasn’t happy but at the end of the day, it was going to be hard whether I ended the relationship then or 10 years down the line. So better to do it sooner, and then start enjoying my life.

I’m still living with Xdp until I get finances and a house sorted. We get on fine luckily. There’s just no love.

He wouldn't get a job but he wouldn't look after our twins when I returned to work when they were only 5 months old.
7 months later DS was ill at childcare and they called him because they couldn't get hold of me and he refused to go and collect him. (I had previously left work to collect I'll child/rent from childcare) when I got there 3 hours later DS was in a terrible state D&V, sobbing. I hated Ex so much at that point for caring so little for his ill child.

I got all my financial info etc in place, got a new job 2hrs away, nearer my family, put our house on the market and sold it (only in my name as he wasn't earning, he'd had to sign a legal document acknowledging he had no right to the property) and had an offer accepted on a new house. I gave him the divorce papers the day after we'd exchanged on the houses and told him that he'd be homeless in 4.5 weeks.

Amazingly in those 4.5 weeks he managed to get a job & find somewhere to live and move in.
DTs were 14 last autumn, he hasn't seen them since they were 3 and stopped contact when they were 3.5/4 max. His loss.

Bloody I am so sorry to hear this. I am you or could have written your post word for word. I don't know how anyone plucks up the courage but I also feel caged. Everytime he walks into a room I want to leave. I have no feelings for him and don't even like him. Finances are the main thing preventing me.

Music. It seems odd but music helped. Songs like Sunny Sweany - stayings worse than leaving.

My granddads death ended my relationship. It made me see Life was too special to waste feeling how to do op. The world won't end. The kids will be fine. The relief you feel will be worth it.

Do it know while it's only two years of regret not 30 years. And only contempt left.

How did i do it? I just had to put my big girl knickers on and just do it. It was awful. It got dragged out for too long. I had to pull up my big girl knickers even more. It's a shit fest OP. But you know that staying will just be a slow, painful death.

Are you a people pleaser? What is it that stops you? If you can afford it, try counselling. I did have some counselling to get the courage up but at the end of the day, you just have to do it.

Your boys will be fine and they will be FAR better off with a Mum who's not a tortured soul.

I ended a 6 year relationship in Dec 2013. It was hard but he met someone new within a month (maybe he was already seeing her) he was horrible to my children (not their dad) and I knew I had to end it.

He went really nasty during the 6 weeks before he moved out and continued being a tw*t whilst I sold the house.

It is painful and upsetting but you do come out the other side.

I left a 22 year relationship. I wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. I had done all my grieving for my marriage though and couldn't live in a loveless marriage anymore. It took about three years for me to get the courage to do it. I left and rented a house for me and the children. Nearly two years on it has not been a walk in the park. The ex has not made it easy. I have no regrets though. I have a nice life. I am with a man who loves me and I am so happy. It's the bravest thing I have ever done and I wish I had done it years ago. I think my main thing was I didn't want to wake up when my children had left Home next to a man who didn't give a shit wonder why I had wasted everything.

So brave Head. I need to find the courage to do that this year.

I’m I in this EXACT same position! My DC are a bit younger but other than that I could’ve written your post word for word.

Would those of you who are in the same boat maybe like to keep this thread going as a sort of mutual support/advice thread?

Great idea Xmas. Sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat.

NK - yes, you seem to be in the same situation too! I’m sorry to hear that, but also feel reassured that there’s a few of us together.

I’ve plucked up the courage to have a phone consultation with a solicitor this morning (have invented an excuse to be out of the house for an hour) and have also booked us a Relate appt for next week for us both. Im starting to worry about whether the Relate session will be the right thing though, or if I’d be better off having individual counselling instead.

I’m constantly thinking of how things will be after we’ve split. I think I’ve been working through my sadness and coming to a type of resolution, but I think my DH will be shocked that I don’t want to work at things.

I made half hearted attempts over the years but it wasn't until I met my now dh did i have the stength and resolve to do it properly. after months of friendship and working together we fell in love. So in effect he was the other man but there was just a 2 week overlap and 10 years later I have never been happier.

Took me a long time. I live in his country, my family are on a different continent and I was scared to death. I thought I wouldn't manage alone. I thought I wouldn't manage financially.

One day something just broke me and I thought fuck it. I can't live like this anymore. So I did it. Money is tight but life is better now.

Xmas I've gone to counselling by myself. We tried the couple's thing a few years ago and it didn't work so I don't want to try it again.

Hi OP. I was you. Three years it took me to leave an EA relationship. It wasn't always bad, but I knew for all that time I was done, but I couldn't quite unstick myself. We had been together since I was 17, I knew no different and we have 2 boys.

How I managed:

I wrote down all the pros and cons of staying. I showed it to a friend and she said "I'd leave for anyone of those cons". The cons far far outweighed the pros to stay.

I started talking to people in real life, being honest about how shit things were. Helped massively. Be selective in who you confide in. You need someone who will listen, not pass judgment and be in your corner.

Posting on here helped.

I made a list of everything that was stopping me: fear of being away from the kids, money, losing friends, family being disrupted, having to move house etc. And I worked through them one by one in my head.

I started doing something just for me, which was going to the gym. That gave me the hour or so I needed a few times a week to focus on ME and think. I used to go to bed early, so i could lay there and think with a clear head.

I nearly rented a house in the summer, I bottled. By Feb I knew I was done, several small events happened, ones that usually I would have glossed over. This time I didn't and I got angry with myself for putting up with it for so long.

I won't lie and says its been easy, it hasn't at times its been hell. I was in a fog for months afterwards, but now 11 months down the line I am 100% more me than I have been for years, and I am happy. Thats something i couldn't have said if I'd have stayed.

One thing I read on here was your feelings are valid, your happiness is important. Good luck.

PS. Have a look at Fear, Obligation and Guilt. There is a website called out of the fog, that helped me too.

I didn’t, he left me on Christmas Eve (cheers pal) but it was bubbling under the surface, like you, for a long time.

You have to put yourself and your kids first, I’m not going to lie, it is shit, and my heart breaks that I don’t have that ‘ideal family’ anymore. But it wasn’t ideal, I was depressed and angry and hiding it. I’m calmer now and it’s only been a couple of weeks!

One day it will just snap into place and you’ll know you can do it. Don’t feel guilty if that isn’t right away, better to do it when you’re ready then go back (like I did). It will come good eventually, you just have to keep believing that.

How are things now OP? And everyone else who’s on here and in similar positions?

I’m biding my time now until our first Relate session next Thursday (feels like I’ve been waiting for this appt for forever now!). H thinks we’ll be able to fix things at Relate, but the nearer we get to it the more sure I am that I don’t love him and don’t want to be tied in to a ‘relationship’ consisting of no sex and no respect on my part towards him.

I’m a total people-pleaser in life tho and hate upsetting people, so I know I’ll probably find it extreeeemely terrifying just prior to the session. Gaaaaah i hope I don’t wuss out!

I had to leave for the sake of our new baby. I couldn't bring him up in a house where there was tension. Also realised I didn't love him and hadn't loved him for some time but I only truly realised when the baby was born. I felt massive relief when I did leave as well. I was really lucky and had supportive parents who I moved in with and who helped me.

How are things Bloody?

I didn't leave, I made him leave. It was my house before we got together, no way would I have left.

The strength came from being desperate to protect my daughter from him. There was a final straw moment and I was too angry to have in the house anymore. Just prior to that I made a list of all the problems I had, there were about 15 things on the list. Within a couple of months of him leaving I'd managed to strike nearly everything off the list and I had some peace of mind again.

Work out a plan about how you can leave - practically, financially etc. It will give you hope. Don't tell him. Then work towards that as fast as you can. Don't think you can change him. Don't think you can help him. Just put you and your children first.

I felt like it for about 2/3 years. Grieved for my marriage. I just thought I couldn't wake up at 50 and think is this it ?

I left a 23 year relationship 2 years ago. I had to leave the matrimonial house, start again. I took the kids. Left everything else. It was hard but god it was the best thing I have ever done. I met a lovely man who tells me he loves me every day and I am happy. It has been tough. The ex made is very very tough but the kids are ok and we split custody and it's worked.

Don't stay in an unhappy relationship because of fear. There is a happy life out there for you

Didn't realise I had already replied to this lol

My son was 5. I ended it (same reasons as you) because I was tempted to have an affair - and if I'd stayed I would eventually have had an affair and I didn't want to be that person.

Ex husband is happily re-married, I am on my own, and I have never regretted leaving. Best thing for all of us.

I’m in the same position, in a totally loveless marriage with 2 small children. No financial worries about leaving (thankfully) but my worries are more what the future will be like, will I regret it etc.

I’m only 33, I sometimes think I could meet someone else, have another baby, be happy etc. But then I think it’s a lot more likely I won’t meet anyone, will be on my own and lonely. The kids are only little (both under 5) but I worry about when they leave home and I’d be on my own. I worry I’d meet someone else and after 5 years or so that relationship would be the same as this one, I’d be back to square one wishing i hadn’t thrown it all away.

But then I think of taking every holiday with him, spending every Christmas with him for the next 50 years and my blood runs cold.

How do you know what to do for the best?!

Two things. My ex husband persuaded me I was insane and I was referred to mental health where I had a lot of psychotherapy which gave me some strength I didn't have. (I wasn't insane, just suffering a lot of mental health difficulties, somewhat understandably.) The other thing was turning 40 and thinking I just couldn't live "like this" for the rest of my life.

It took me about six years to get to the therapy stage, and another 18 months after it ended for me to get brave enough to tell him it was over.