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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my mother was /is abusive..

28 replies

shouldaknownbetter · 02/01/2018 12:36

I have always thought my mother a little strange or odd, but am coming to realise that she may actually be abusive.

As a child, she would fly into rages and tell us we could not go and see our father at the weekend if we were naughty (they divorced when i was 2)

However a few times she got so rageful that she would say 'right that's it you're not living here anymore) and make us pack up our things then drive us to our dad's house (without telling him she was coming) and dump us on his doorstep.

One time he was out for the evening.. could have been all weekend for all she'd known, he came home with his wife at midnight from a night out to find 3 kids on his doorstep.

If ever I speak of these incidents my mum completey denies them.

She would also be very controlling, for example I could not pick my haircut or my clothes until I had left home. I remember at the age of 16 letting her pick my (frumpy) clothes then realising i could take them back to the shops on my own and exchange them.. a great act of rebellion for me.. she said I'd 'betrayed' her when she found out.

This has given me a lifelong fear of being controlled or told what to do by anyone.

As an adult, my mum will come to my house and reorganise my things under the guise of 'helping' or 'tidying'. This all blew up recently when she was invited over to dinner and reorganised the children's clothes without asking. She also put some air freshener in out toilet without asking.

When I asked her politely not to do such things without asking first she shreiked at me for being ungrateful and said I had to apologise to her for upsetting her. She has done similar to my brother. She can never apologise or see how her behaviour plays a part in what happens.

I always knew deep down, but I guess I just thought she was a bit eccentric. Now i am seeing it as abusive. What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/01/2018 13:53

bump

OP posts:
Amatree · 02/01/2018 13:55

Abusive without question. Sorry for what you've been through.

CobaltRose96 · 02/01/2018 14:01

Absolutely, she is abusive. I'm sorry you've been through such suffering. :(

troodiedoo · 02/01/2018 14:02

100% yes. The denying in particular is a very common trait, perhaps trying to blame you for it?

Don't waste your time and effort trying to get her to repent though. Just minimise contact and ensure you're not dumping on your partner and kids. Get professional help if necessary, although just realising the truth as you have done and posting here is incredibly therapeutic.

There are many of us that get it.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/01/2018 15:15

The problem is, my daughter who is now 4 is refusing to go to grandmas (she has been having her one day a week) because grandma shouts at her. I've asked my mum not to but she just denies it and says I am poisoning my daughter against her.

So it's bringing it all back to me.

I've told my daughter she doesn't have to go there if she doesn't want to but my mum will go batshit when she finds out and blame me.

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 02/01/2018 15:18

Similar here op. I stopped dm seeing my dc - after all it is a dm job to protect dc, not give our abuser free reign over them.
Keep them safe, block her and go nc ASAP.
You really do owe it to your dc to do this. You owe your dm fuck all.

Feelings · 02/01/2018 15:22

My dad used to make me pack my clothes into carrier bags and make me leave, I was about 7.
He did a lot of other awful things too which is now under investigation.

She's abusive. Don't allow your daughter to have a relationship with her.

MeadowHay · 02/01/2018 16:02

What you've posted sounds very similar to what DH tells me about his childhood with his DM. However after he moved out from her house for good at the age of 19 to move in with me in a different city, things became much easier for him as she went LC with him, and NC for a few months at a time. We generally don't hear from her for 3/4 months a time although DH calls her regularly out of a sense of obligation (she does have severe mental health problems and some physical ones too) and then she will just call up out of the blue and demand DH go over and do gardening for her for example and if he refuses she will just blow up at him about what an awful son he is until he hangs up.

Definitely abusive. DH has had some counselling which has helped him. I wouldn't make your DC go to her house if she doesn't want to go. We're pregnant with our first and whilst we don't intend to necessarily stop DMIL from seeing the baby at this stage, we will not be visiting her at her house with baby because we would not trust her dog around the baby (gorgeous dog but is kept in abusive conditions and has occasionally bitten DMIL and has never been around babies or children before and DMIL would never keep agree to keeping it in another room for our visits or anything like that). I don't think grandparents have a right to see their grandchildren, the rights are about the children's right to have a relationship with their DGPs and if they don't want that then they shouldn't be forced into one imo.

DMIL hasn't bothered with us at all over the Xmas period despite DH calling her numerous times and attempting to arrange to go over and see her 3 times, she ignores his calls and texts then called up a few days ago ranting about how he didn't bother seeing her over Xmas Confused and eventually he got annoyed and hung up so she texted him saying she doesn't want him to call her anymore...suits us just fine! But I'm sure she will crawl out of the woodwork again in a few months time demanding that he go and do something for her...

Hissy · 02/01/2018 16:29

Please protect your DD.

NEVER allow your DM to have any solo contact with your DC.

LET your mum go batshit.

You have survived her rages before and you don't have to take them. You can hang up, close the door or call the police.

Your DD needs you to protect her from your DM. You didn't have anyone to protect you, your DD has. Make it count.

Squeegle · 02/01/2018 16:29

If your daughter doesn’t want to go, you need to ensure she doesn’t go without you. That’s your job. You’re the adult now, and it’s your role to make sure that your DM doesn’t shout at your DD. I’m sorry for what you have been through. Flowers

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/01/2018 16:34

Don't worry... I will prioritise my daughter's wellbeing over anyone elses.

I told my mum she didn't want to visit and we'd leave it a few weeks (I just said the few weeks thing to soften the blow but as far as I'm concerned if DD doesn't want to go long term, she won't)

Of course, I got blamed for 'poisoning' my daughter against her but I kind of knew that would happen. I can take that hit for my daughter,

In a way my mum has to blame me, because the alternative is too much for her to bear ie her sweet 4 year old grand daughter has decided of her own accord she doesn't like her.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 02/01/2018 16:42

Yes, exactly, it’s easier to blame you than to blame herself. I guess now you’re older you can see how batty her behaviour is and so hopefully that makes it easier for you to be strong and calm when she insists on hurling insults. You’re right and she’s not

Hissy · 02/01/2018 19:26

Grey rock... just grey rock

Don’t rise to anything

BrokenBattleDroid · 02/01/2018 19:32

She sounds awful, and in denial to boot.

Good for you for listening to you DD and protecting her. She now gets the message from early on that shouting etc is not acceptable in relationships with others.

juliettaa · 02/01/2018 20:06

Yes, your mother is abusive. It's her that's the problem, not you.

Too bad if she goes batshit over your DD not wanting to visit/stay. Your priority is safeguarding yourself and your DD. Work on disengaging from your mother.

It may help you to read about other people's experiences; so if you haven't done so already, have a look at the stately homes thread on the relationships forum.

rhardwick945 · 02/01/2018 20:20

Uh oh. This sounds like my mother. I cut all contact about 9 years ago after I just hit the final straw. It's only recently I've also realised her behaviour was far more than just unreasonable, and it was actually abusive.

For that reason she will NOT have contact with my DD. Despite recent attempts to contact as suddenly I have a baby she's interested in me I won't be reciprocating. I was proven correct when her next message was, surprise surprise, blaming me as a child for her neglectful, abusive and wholly terrible behaviour. Nope. No. Never

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 03/01/2018 20:12

Update: So now I've told her my daughter isn't coming to her house (on her own) for a while, she phoned me up and ranted at me for upsetting her as apparantly my daughter's reaction is my fault as she is such a kind and loving granny. It's all about her her her. Said I need to tell my daughter that granny will be lonely and not to let her rule the roost.

I said let's leave it for a few weeks and then I will ask my daughter if she wants to go see granny with me there too.

She tried to blackmail me by saying she won't be able to have her in the week again (she has her one day a week usually) as she will have found something else to do on that day.

Really annoyed that it's all about her.. she's not thinking about my DDs needs in this, or even thinking yes let's leave it for a few weeks to hopefully blow over.

Worried now that when she does see my daughter again, she will pile on the guilt and 'why don't you want to see granny, you've made granny very upset' type of talk, and I don't want my daughter subjected to that.

Growing up, I was always made to feel bad for 'upsetting' her, and she still pulls that trick on me when she doesn't get her own way, but I can deal with it. Don't want my little one having to deal with it now too.

OP posts:
Figrollsnotfatrolls · 03/01/2018 20:14

So your dd doesn't see her again. That's your job done. My dc haven't seen my dm for well over 6 years. No damage /fatal disaster happened to them from not having a 'd' gm!!

rhardwick945 · 03/01/2018 20:26

I think you and I must be related. This described my mother to the letter. The only person she ever thinks about is herself. No contact for 9 years and they've been a very good 9 years.

strangerhoes · 03/01/2018 20:30

She’s abusive, don’t send your child to a known abusers house.
Sorry for what you’ve went/are going through.
My mother is the same.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 03/01/2018 20:37

Your daughter needs to be your priority. For her protection you have to stop her being subjected to emotional abuse. You need to find alternative child care.

It's really hard to stand up to abusive parents.

April229 · 03/01/2018 21:01

I feel for you OP. You’ve done the right thing, but you already know that :)

One thing, just remember you aren’t 16 any more. Life doesn’t work the way she dictates any more, the relationship should now be based on what you are both happy with. If not you can walk away, anytime, to your own home with your own things and close the door behind you.

Time to negotiate new dynamics, avoid old patterns of behaviour. Don’t accept what you had to at 16, don’t worry about her reaction. That’s for her to manage. Get your big girl pants on - and stand strong.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 04/01/2018 00:51

Thank you. I will just have to stand up to her and weather the storm.

Speaking of being 16, at that age I made a serious suicide attempt after years of abuse/ miserable existence and nearly died. When she first saw me in the hospital her first words were to tell me off for giving her such a shock and how awful it had been for her. Nothing about me or my pain.

It's all coming back to me now I am seeing it through my daughter's eyes, but in a way that means I'm seeing her as she really is for the first time .

OP posts:
user764329056 · 04/01/2018 01:43

Sorry you had to go through that childhood OP, I have a narc mother, toxic, poisonous, etc, and am no contact with her, it’s a very difficult truth to come to terms with and I don’t think you feel peace, just a sense of acceptance and learning how to protect yourself as an adult in a way that you couldn’t as a child

April229 · 04/01/2018 06:25

OP I’m really sorry things were that desperate, awful.

It’s difficult but you might have accept that she will never get it, never understand how damaging her behaviour is, the impact on those around her that rely on her for a caring, stable relationship for them to be emotionally ok. It is likely that everything you do will lead to the same response from her - poor her having to feel bad. She needs to deal with that, in the meantime you have a life to live, where you are in charge.

Say what you can about why you don’t want your daughter there - eg when you shout / do xyz I don’t think you understand that it makes her feel abc. Sorry if it makes you feel bad to hear that. Or even a straight out question...do you think about how it makes other people feel when you do Xyz?

Perhaps when you’re ready, you can just meet her out in a park to spend time together with your daughter, but if she starts being difficult or showing those negative things that are causing problems you tell her to stop / call her out on it a bit as above or calmly leave with your daughter explaining it upsets you both when she behaves like that.

You have been amazing strong, and sound very sorted for someone who has been through so much, your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mum.