I think my mother was /is abusive..

[shouldaknownbetter]

I have always thought my mother a little strange or odd, but am coming to realise that she may actually be abusive.

As a child, she would fly into rages and tell us we could not go and see our father at the weekend if we were naughty (they divorced when i was 2)

However a few times she got so rageful that she would say 'right that's it you're not living here anymore) and make us pack up our things then drive us to our dad's house (without telling him she was coming) and dump us on his doorstep.

One time he was out for the evening.. could have been all weekend for all she'd known, he came home with his wife at midnight from a night out to find 3 kids on his doorstep.

If ever I speak of these incidents my mum completey denies them.

She would also be very controlling, for example I could not pick my haircut or my clothes until I had left home. I remember at the age of 16 letting her pick my (frumpy) clothes then realising i could take them back to the shops on my own and exchange them.. a great act of rebellion for me.. she said I'd 'betrayed' her when she found out.

This has given me a lifelong fear of being controlled or told what to do by anyone.

As an adult, my mum will come to my house and reorganise my things under the guise of 'helping' or 'tidying'. This all blew up recently when she was invited over to dinner and reorganised the children's clothes without asking. She also put some air freshener in out toilet without asking.

When I asked her politely not to do such things without asking first she shreiked at me for being ungrateful and said I had to apologise to her for upsetting her. She has done similar to my brother. She can never apologise or see how her behaviour plays a part in what happens.

I always knew deep down, but I guess I just thought she was a bit eccentric. Now i am seeing it as abusive. What do you think?

Worried now that when she does see my daughter again, she will pile on the guilt and 'why don't you want to see granny, you've made granny very upset' type of talk, and I don't want my daughter subjected to that.
I think you're right. The solution is she doesn't see her again. Sorry if that sounds like the nuclear option but your dd needs protection. So far you've talked about how she won't see her if she didn't want to but surely even if she does then you're the parent and you know that it would be emotionally damaging so you decide.

Don't let her look after your daughter again. Not ever.

She's abusive and has left you depressed and anxious (I'm not surprised you struggle, seeing how she treated you). If she has contact with your daughter she will do the same to her.

Have you had any counselling or therapy to help you come to terms with how awfully she treated you? It might be really helpful if you did.

Worried now that when she does see my daughter again, she will pile on the guilt and 'why don't you want to see granny, you've made granny very upset' type of talk, and I don't want my daughter subjected to that

Make sure that you are always there when your daughter sees her. Don't leave her alone with her. The moment she starts this emotional shit, leave.

Sorry to hear about your desperation at 16. It's reminded me how my bio. mother rang me up to cry her eyes out about how her youngest daughter age 14 was abusing her "because I just hit her a little bit and now she's gone to Social Services!" No concept at all of how desperate her youngest child was.