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Original poster

Time spent at DP home

41 replies

Snapnchat · 02/01/2018 07:09

NC for this..

Been with partner for 6 years, we don’t live together. He is retired, I work FT+. I seem to spend nearly all my weekend (bar Saturday daytime) at his, which I’m resenting now as I get nothing done indoors, and he has 24/7 to do everything, AIBU?

OP posts:
DivisionBelle · 02/01/2018 07:29

No.
Tell him how you are feeling and how it is affecting you and invite him to yours instead!

princesssparkle1 · 02/01/2018 07:30

Why haven't you talked to him about it?

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2018 08:14

Why don't you ask him to stay at yours one wkend?

Original poster
Snapnchat · 02/01/2018 08:41

He has an adult DD with mild learning difficulties, who is quite independent. She lives with him as he is a widower.

He does come to me but rarely stays over. When I said I was resentful going to his he said “well don’t come then, problem sorted”. When I explained I have stuff to do indoors he said “I’m not sitting there while you do your chores”. So where do I go with that?

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 02/01/2018 08:45

He sounds like a bit of a dick, I'm afraid.

Fairylea · 02/01/2018 08:47

If that’s how he speaks to you he doesn’t sound very nice!

ravenmum · 02/01/2018 08:56

Was he a bit pissed off at the idea that spending time at his was bothersome to you? Hence the annoyed response?

I've been doing the same thing for a year, and also feel a bit stressed at having to squeeze all my household chores into a short time. But it's only been a year, and I still enjoy visiting enough not to feel resentful. Sounds like it's time for you to find a new arrangement.

DivisionBelle · 02/01/2018 09:52

Do what you need to do and would like to do, Be calm and clear and assertive. Tell him you need to clean / shop or whatever and you’ll see him when you’re done.

What do you do all day Saturday?

Original poster
Snapnchat · 02/01/2018 09:53

raven yes I think he was probably pissed off, but I explained why. If the shoe was on the other foot I would’ve understood his reasons.

He’s not a bad bloke at all, but I do feel I’m doing a lot of the compromising when he has all the time in the world, hence my resentment. I think I shall just stay at home, and see what he does. I’m fed up to say the least!

OP posts:
Original poster
Snapnchat · 02/01/2018 09:56

division he has a hobby on Saturday. I shop/see a friend/wash/clean whatever I can squeeze in. I have little time for any hobbies, so it’s a good job I don’t have any!

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 02/01/2018 10:14

He wants everything his own way.

I wouldn't like that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/01/2018 11:15

Why do you need to be with him all the time?

Why can't Saturday be your day all day when you do what you want?

Why should he watch you do chores and why should you watch him do chores at his? Fuck that. Just meet up for the fun bits when you've got time.

FredaNerkk · 02/01/2018 11:37

Don't let resentment creep up on you - unresolved it leads to contempt and then the relationship dies.
To break a cycle of resentment, you have to look after who you are as a person and learn to say no in order to protect yourself from the demands and expectations of other people AND yourself (i.e. trying to do what you think you SHOULD do). Do what you CAN do without making yourself upset.
Be prepared to own the consequences - you can't help being yourself - definitely don't hold him responsible for your choices and personal likes/dislikes. Don't compromise with him if it crosses an important limit for you - but recognise that he is not unreasonable for asking you; another person might not mind. But you do.

Calmly communicate it what you feel you can and can't do whilst remaining true to yourself and let him do the same.
Then see where that leaves you. You may find that you are not as compatible as you thought; or you may find another way to fit around what is important to each of you.

Original poster
Snapnchat · 02/01/2018 11:41

freda that’s a great post thank you, it certainly all makes sense.

run Saturday can be my day if I want it, but I’m still at his Friday night and stay over Saturday night then all day Sunday. I was just wondering what others do in this situation, and how they manage it ‘fairly’.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 02/01/2018 11:44

I wouldn't spend all my free time with him, I'd start doing my own hobbies and pursuing my own interests. And not just when he's busy but when it suits you. I understand him not wanting to leave his DD if she has learning difficulties and he's the only person she has.

NurseButtercup · 02/01/2018 11:48

Just out of interest, what do you do when he's doing his hobby on Saturday?

If I was in your shoes, I'd stop going over to his on Friday nights and go over on Saturday after I've finished my chore's/ he's finished his hobby.

stickytoffeevodka · 02/01/2018 11:48

Why are you spending all your free time at his house? I would be knocking that on the head for starters.

Are you ever planning to move in together or are you keep up this arrangement forever?

Mary1935 · 02/01/2018 11:56

I really wouldn't like it when you expressed your resentment and he said 'don't come - problem sorted' - does he make any effort for you - does he make your dinner after working all day. Why don't you think about staying away in the week and seeing him at the weekend -.that way you can have some hobbies or sort out your own things -.or see him in the week but go home every other weekend. He seems flippant and disprespectful to your needs. You need to vary it up and not be so available. Good luck

NerrSnerr · 02/01/2018 12:00

Just don’t stay over on Fridays. Have Saturday to yourself and go round Saturday evening or Sunday, or just a night in the week.

ravenmum · 02/01/2018 12:23

You could cut back on visits, but it hardly feels like a relationship when you just see each other once a week or less, doesn't it?

I can see his point too, however. Why should he visit you just to watch you clear up? He'd feel obliged to help you clear up, which would be silly as you're not living together.

Seems to me indeed that the problem is that you are not living together. Any plans after 6 years?

Original poster
Snapnchat · 02/01/2018 13:51

If I went to his in the week, yes he would make my dinner, and wash up etc etc, but he doesn’t work so it’s not an issue, and I’d do the same for him.

I’ve answered up thread about my time on Saturdays.

No plans to move in to his. I have an adult child living with me who doesn’t earn enough to pay all the bills, so I’d be paying more to go to work, and paying the upkeep of my home and contributing to his also.

If we did a weekend each that might be better, I would feel that is fairer. I also am very aware of his responsibility with his DD.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/01/2018 13:56

Do you think the resentment now could be a sign that the passion is wearing off a bit?

Maybe you just need to rephrase the question so that it is not about him taking up too much of your time or having loads of spare time now he is retired? The latter might also be a sore point to him, too.

ravenmum · 02/01/2018 13:58

Is there no way you could all move into one place together, or do you not want that anyway?

FinallyHere · 02/01/2018 14:00

I don' see this as a problem that they are not living together , I see it as a problem of different expectations and miscommunication.

OP what do you do all day Saturday while he is busy with hobbies ? Wouldn't that be a good tune to spend at yours? The way you described his responses I would guess that he is happy for you to be a bit more independent. All the. Edit

ravenmum · 02/01/2018 14:07

OP is at hers on Saturday. The problem is spending every Friday and Saturday night and most of Sunday in someone else's house when you also work all week. At this time of the year when it's dark in the evening you get even less done in the week, so basically you have to squeeze all your errands into Saturday morning, then you go to someone else's house where you can't even wipe a surface or pay a bill. When you get home Sunday night, everything you haven't done is wating for you still, then the new week begins.