I've been with my partner for coming up 10 years, living together for 9, we have a baby daughter who's nearly one (OH and I both 33). And I feel like I need to end it but I just can't imagine what my life and my daughter's life looks like afterwards 
We have always had s difficult relationship for various reasons, it's been hard to apportion blame - we were both young and a bit damaged. But there was a lot of love and a lot of good times too. I felt like we were in a very good place before we had our baby.
However, when I look at our relationship in the round, I realise it is potentially borderline abusive. Is it possible for someone to be unintentionally abusive? I really don't think he's a bad man at all; but I look at who I was when we started out and who I am now and i can't believe we got here from there. And the uncomfortable truth is I have changed incrementally from a passionate, interesting, outgoing person who was often impulsive and spontaneous and had an active social life to someone who is stunted, has no conversation, whose social life barely changed when I had a baby as I had grown so isolated, and who lives their life according to a rigid routine set by someone else according to their desire for control. In scared to deviate from it to the smallest degree, to the point I wear clothes I think are dirty so I don't create too much washing and upset the laundry schedule, I never deviate from the pre planned weekly menu even if I just fancy something different on the day, he shopping always has to be done on the same day every week to the point I'll turn down meeting up with friends if it comes up on that day, I spend my life nervous wondering what I'll do or what will happen to throw out the schedule and provoke huge stress, sulking or anger on my partner's part.
I just don't understand how or why I allowed this to happen. My partner when we first got together was very insecure. I was only how second relationship, whereas I had more previous partners and sexual experience. I had also travelled independently and had close friends I liked to see without him, and was social at work so liked to do drinks with colleagues etc. It emerged in dribs and drabs that all these things bothered him and caused problems. Im going to give some examples below as I'm worried I just don't know my own mind any more or what is my fault and what is just unreasonable...
Our first row blew up out of nowhere really early on in the relationship (we'd been friends for years before and never argued) when I was merrily chatting away about something that has happened to me when I was travelling and he got angry because I was"going on about it" and it made him feel inadequate. I felt so embarrassed and apologetic at the time. But I couldn't apologise enough to stop him being sullen the rest of the night. Now looking back I see how unreasonable that was. I went to a prestigious uni to do a master's degree shortly after we got together. We had a long distance relationship, but he would complain if we didn't see each other every weekend, and when he came to me he wouldn't engage with my new friends because they "made him feel stupid"; we were meant to go to a college dinner one evening with my friends and he bailed out on the doorstep so I didn't go, and we looked really odd in front of my friends. I'd been looking forward to it so much.
Shortly after I moved cities to live with him, I finally got a job and excitedly told him the salary which was higher than I'd been hoping for - he wasn't happy for me or for us, he was angry because it was higher than he had thus far been able to earn since uni. I remember still how much his reaction surprised and hurt me, years later. He'd get sulky if I wanted to go out with just my best friend or mother without him, saying he'd be bored and not understanding why I wouldn't want him there. He'd sulk horribly if I ever stayed put later than I'd planned to. It got so stressful that I'd do these things less and less, I got sort of absorbed into his group of friends. When we went out together, I talked less about things I had done that he hadn't like sex and travel. I watched what I said trying to avoid his sulks, which I could feel across a room if I forgot myself and started yammering away to someone else and he could hear me. I sort of diminished myself so as not to overshadow him. Which sounds really arrogant, but it's the only way I can explain it. And it became habit. And I became duller and duller. I'd clock watch at work things and leave before I wanted to as the later I was the more withdrawn he'd be by the time I got home. I hated feeling like I was making him miserable. I became hypersensitive to his mood in groups, and be very tense when I knew he was getting cross/upset due to feeling inadequate. I became very anxious around going out. Everything always had to go according to plan - his plan - or he'd get stressed out out of all proportion.
I was no saint through all this I hasten to add. We were in our twenties and drank a lot, I'd occasionally use booze as an outlet to release the accumulated stress, or if something happened on a night out to 'set him off' sulking/stressing (a bus not arriving, say, or the conversation "excluding" him by turning towards something he wasn't interested/experienced/knowledgeable in) I'd get very stressed and not handle it well at all and we'd have big messy drunken rows. In the couple of years before we had our daughter I recognised this was not helping things and stopped getting drunk by and large. It made it easier to manage his moods and my responses to them, and things improved between us. Also while this was happening, he was advancing in his career, his social confidence was improving, and he was far less dependent on me for company and socialising. I though all this was great as it took some of the pressure off. Our home life got ever more regimented - or 'organised', I suppose - and I went along with his 'efficiency' because my own instincts were far more scarry and "things will sort themselves out" so I didn't really have an alternative regime to stick to as it were. It was easier to do things his way as it mattered to him so much more how things were done, and I didn't really have a "my way" to counter with. And it was effective! Our lives ran like a well oiled machine, we saved money, bought a flat. He became less and less tolerant of anything that disturbed his environment (we had a neighbour with kids in the flat and the stress and animosity over their noise in the evening was dreadful) but we had a plan to sell up and move somewhere we could afford a nicer area and a bigger home; his argument when I spoke to him about having to learn to handle his stress better was that if he could just avoid/eliminate the stressors everything would be ok. But of course there were always those things beyond his control (like traffic, or the neighbors) he couldn't do anything about, and that always led to big problems. However, things were better than when we were younger (in the sense he was by and large happier) and our lives were moving towards objectively sensible goals. We felt "mature" compared to many of our friends of the same age. And eventually we felt ready for a baby.
However since having the baby I feel like I've woken up from a strange fuzzy state where all this drift has been happening without me really reacting to it, and woken up in the middle of a life I don't recognise. Behaviour I had just been tolerating or managing (temper tantrums over minor inconveniences, total rigid adherence to arbitrary domestic routines) when I see it in the context of how it affects and will go on to affect her, seem suddenly completely intolerable. And his need to control and dictate his environment meeting the chaos that is a small baby is just a match made in hell.
All this has been brewing for a while and we've had lots of circular one-sided discussions about it (his mode when I confront him on anything is either to go mute - lots of dunnos and no to any questions as I try to establish solutions and boundaries - or to blow up and shout at me, which he knows I hate, especially in front of the baby who is scared by it.
Major incidents since baby was born:
We were driving to look at houses in the city we have now moved to - baby was crying in the car seat, we were stuck in traffic and were a bit lost. He shouted at the baby to shut up, so loudly she flinched (she was about 7 months old at the time). After we had moved, I came down from the shower one morning as he was looking after her and overheard him telling her she was a 'horrible baby" (she was crying and had been going through a big phase of crying at the time). I confronted him on each of these issues, and explained to him it was a deal breaker if he didn't treat our daughter with gentleness and respect always. I asked if he would agree to some CBT to help manage his response to stress. He agreed in theory but never did anything about it. Things got better for a month or so, then slowly deteriorated.
All came to a head over Christmas when we were driving to see family. We got stuck in traffic and couldn't find a service station when he needed to pee. He got more and more angry and stressed and eventually had to pull over on the hard shoulder as he was having a full on panic attack. I asked him to please calm down as he was scaring me and the baby. We got into an argument and he SCREAMED at me, terrifying the baby who went hysterical. I begged him now to please stop, or to get out of the car, and reiterated he was upsetting her. He called me a cunt and a bitch. Eventually he got out of the car and I calmed the baby down. I could feel he was on a knife edge so didn't confront him at all until we got safely to our destination. When we did discuss it he told me it wouldn't have escalated if I had been more sympathetic; he has said similar before when I've told him not to shout at me - says if I handled things differently he wouldn't shout. I am well aware this is classic abuser's language. I tried to make him see this, that he can't make me or the world responsible for his emotional stability, he needs coping mechanisms etc. His answer was that it never would have happened if we'd got off at an earlier service station. As if that answers the issue of what about the next time something happens that we hadn't foreseen. He seems to make no acknowledgment of how scary it would have been for baby or how serious that is.
Since then I've just been going through the motions but I know something has to change. I grew up around shouting and anger and I WILL NOT have that for my baby. I need to have a conversation with him where I make this plain; I want us to go to Relate together to see if we can make any progress, and for him to get counselling/therapy separately. But I'm not sure any of that can help while he is only doing it to avoid a breakup,and doesn't actually accept he has a problem. I feel at the moment realistically I'm going to have to leave him. Which breaks my heart (I'm from a broken home and wanted so much better for my little one ).
More practically: i'm currently on mat leave. We've just moved to a different city where I'll need to find a new job. We have no family here, and few friends. I would have some money as we have the proceeds of the sale of the flat in savings (enough for a deposit on a small house, we're currently renting) but no support network and (currently) no job. Baby is struggling with settling in to nursery and doesn't really like any caregiver but me or daddy, and sleeps really badly. I'm nervous about separating and access as I don't really want him to care for her alone given his stress responses.
As it stands on paper we have a "nice" life. If I leave baby and I will really struggle to make ends meet, even assuming I can find a job. And living in this city doesn't really make any sense as we moved her for his new job - none of my people are here. So would we move away from him? I just can't see what life would hold for us going forward, or what steps I ought to take to prepare for it. I feel instinctively it would be better overall for her not to grow up around anger and tension, walking on eggshells. And the thought of not having to constantly accommodate his rigidity and manage his feelings as well as my own tastes like freedom at the moment. But at other times I worry she needs her dad, he is great with her 90% of the time, and we can give her so much more as a family than I can by myself. I feel so conflicted and confused.
I don't know what I want from this. Just to outline it all possibly, to ease my mind a little. But ant advice or hand holding would be hugely appreciated!