Together in a shit relationship or single parent and happy???

[potatoes13]

Is it better for young children to be with happy single parents or miserable together ones?

My father in law (sort of, not married) thinks children need both parents to be present to have any chance in life.

My partner is a old fashioned (like his parents), lazy, miserable, bully (plus a bit of spit in your face, wish you were dead action a couple of years ago), after which I vacated the bedroom.

He has a difficult, responsible job, everyone at work thinks he's ace, at Home couldn't be further from it.

I know I need to leave the bastard, please share your left the bastard success stories!!!! 2 young amazing kids to take into consideration. Xxxx

I think that as a statement it is incorrect. It’s not to say at all that parents should be selfless martyrs to the cause of their child, but proclaiming that if you sat in an adult holiday resort sipping gin, or whatever, the child will somehow absorb your happiness is wrong.

Where relationships are concerned it’s up to the OP, it has to be, it’s her relationship, but I don’t think it’s automaticallg better for the child, as if once she leaves she will be floating along on s land of sunshine and roses the child will subliminally soak up. I do know what people mean, that it’s not good for a child to have a stressed, snappy, angry or unhappy parent, but I don’t think the question is as simple as op makes it out to be and nor do I think the answers are.

Apple, just as an FYI I didn’t say ‘can’t leave’ I said ‘children aren’t happier when parents are together’ - which isn’t to say someone can’t still make a judgement call that on balance it’s better to leave. I just don’t think kids are thrilled about it when they do!

It’s actually pretty simple. If a parent is happy, the child will be a lot happier than if the parent is miserable.

My parents weren’t happy. It was fucking awful. I felt responsible for their unhappiness as I always knew they were waiting for me, as the youngest, to grow up so they could split. I was stopping them being happy. That’s a shit way to parent.

My DS is in a miserable relationship with a small DS. His DP comes from a dead marriage where they lead their own lives so he thinks she'll just plod on for ever. But I think he needs love and companionship and leaving will be harder when a child is 7 than 3. I also worry one of them will have an affair and then everything will be worse.
So I'd say to you OP it must be better to have a civilised separation with children the main consideration. My DGC is definitely aware of the tension which can't be good.

I split up with my ex before I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy. I knew that if I'd stayed with him he would have taken the pleasure out of being a mother and it would have been like having another child. He saw anything to do with the baby as women's work, with the emphasis on work, saddo.

Absolutely happy single parent.

Their dad can still be an engaged father if he chooses to be - he absolutely doesn't need to be living with you to do that. It's on him.

I left my dc's father 5 years ago and thoroughly recommend it. I am so much happier as are my children.

Why stay together and be miserable when you can spit and co parent most likely a lot better? I know what option id pick. I speak as a single mum who is glad my narc ex has nothing to do with my son

My parents were miserable together and it really did mess up my ideas of what was acceptable in a relationship. I do resent my mother for not leaving as my whole childhood was ruled by my father’s moods. I just wanted a safe space without the constant atmosphere that they thought we didn’t notice

Thanks for the comments folks I feel quite emotional reading them. My mental health is suffering and I feel totally miserable. Money would be tight but I can afford to rent a 2 bed flat (the boys would have to share), I'm a nurse so could easily pick up extra work as and when.

I feel sick at the thought of the weekend and spending time with him. He doesn't like me going out, going to the gym, seeing friends....... I could go on and on. The abuse has only been twice with him pinning me up against the wall, not acceptable I know, he picks and bullies on a daily basis, this can include calling my stupid or thick in front of my six year old. After being but to bed on day last week he can down to tell his dad to stop shouting at Mummy!!! He loves them but finds it hard work, everything that goes wrong is ALWAYS my fault...,,,

I'm having massive anxiety about leaving in case he makes it really difficult and won't let me take my things from the house etc.....

I found counselling really helpful Potatoes13. Not couples or Relate, I found a private one and she helped me set boundaries and see that it really was him, not me.

It took me a few years to split up, but it was inevitable. Different episodes of his behaviour. I blamed myself, I worked on myself. Still I didn’t go. There came a time when I was strong and just did it. And it was easy. Sometimes it isn’t about the need to leave, but being strong enough to do it.

Get your financial affairs in order. Check your entitlements on entitledto.com. When you start taking control and empowering yourself, even if it seems the situation is just too big to handle, you’re making progress all the time.

I’m very happy as a single parent. It’s hard work don’t get me wrong. But it’s infinitely better than misery. Good luck.

Thanks Ohfor, I've had some councilling and I'm going to try and get some more to deal with the process. My mum spends time at our house to help with child care, she also so thinks he's vile and wants me to get out, I'll have family support. Fortunately but don't have a mortgage at the moment due to relocating and selling our old house, it's the right time!!!!! Time to get my big girl pants on!!!!!

You can do it potatoes ! I’m rooting for you. The hardest bit will be telling him and getting your things. But you have happiness and freedom ahead of you

Purple - love your analogy

Breaking up is like childbirth - messy, painful and undignified, but it doesn't last long and it's worth it for the long term result.

spot on. I'm 2 months in now. Its been hard and for about 6 weeks I still felt like total shit but I'm starting to feel human again. I know there will be more shit but my kids seem to be a bit more settled and I don't have to put up with his shit anymore. Its fecking marvellous.

My parents were unhappily married for years. I spent many of my teenage years wishing they had separated and then they eventually did when I reached my early twenties. So I never got to experience what it was truly like to have separated parents as I was away at university by this time. However, what I did observe were the idiot men my mum dated afterwards and how easily led she became. I then felt grateful that he and my dad had actually remained unhappily married all those years. I guess in my experience, it would have been a positive thing if the subsequent choices had been sensible ones.