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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When do you know enough is enough?

27 replies

Paintspotsonthefloor · 31/12/2017 19:24

Assuming there is no affair and your spouse doesn't walk out on you, when do you decide that enough is enough? My husband and I just don't seem to have the spark anymore. He doesn't demonstrate love for me, we havent had sex for a couple of years - i dont care about that but i know it isnt right - and i frequently fantasize about him not being around. Sometimes I think, if he died suddenly, or he had an affair and left me, I would devastated in some ways, but I would also be off the hook and free to get on with my life anew. I dont think i love him any more. I sort of love him as a friend but not sexually. And we have changed over the years and I no longer like some things about him, and doubtless he feels the same way about me.

But we have a marriage that, in many practical ways, works perfectly well. I don't think anyone who knows us would think we were divorce material. I think many couples divorce too quickly, and that marriages are meant to go through sticky times, but couples should work to overcome those difficulties. But then I find myself fantasizing again about being released from the struggles.

It is probably all pie in the sky anyway as, practically speaking, I wouldn't be able to support myself financially if we divorced. I hate myself for having to admit that.

So, when did you know it was time to get out? Or - and this is probably what I would rather hear - have you been through a patch like mine, and somehow worked your way through it?

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 31/12/2017 19:29

You haven't mentioned kids so presuming there aren't any why couldn't you support yourself?

Original poster
Paintspotsonthefloor · 31/12/2017 19:30

There are kids. I sacrificed my career to be at home with them throughout their growing up. I know, I know....

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 31/12/2017 19:38

My epiphany came when I bumped into my ex on a night out and the connection was still there. Nothing happened but it made me aware that I no longer love my DH and hasn't for a number of years. I am now making plans to leave and am getting counselling to support me through it.

LionelMessy · 31/12/2017 21:57

Great original post.
The fear is financial for me also.

2018 gonna be year I plan to make a change .,. but I want her to leave me with the kids, so its going to be messy.
Its just happier when its me and kids.
I dread the key in door each evening and the shouting and battles that kick off.

Giraffey1 · 31/12/2017 21:59

I think I realised when someone on MN asked me what I got out of my relationship. It made me realise the A’s sewer was: nothing. It too my a good two years to act upon this and I wish with all my heart I’d not waited so long.

What’s your answer to the question? Is there anything there worth working on? Would counselling help? Have you tried talking to him about the way you are feeling?

MoreProseccoNow · 31/12/2017 22:04

In a similar situation- had all the thoughts going around my head for a good few years.

I'm going to have some counselling on my own - hopefully that will give me some clarity.

Goodgirl7 · 31/12/2017 22:07

OP how many kids and how old are they?
Any signs that you DH is also thinking the same but can’t bring it up?

Original poster
Paintspotsonthefloor · 31/12/2017 22:19

The kids are young adults and one teen. It is that classic time of life when the parents are no longer working together bringing up the children, and they suddenly have to evaluate what they have in common.

Beyond a shared history, and the kids, the answer for us is not that much. We have different hobbies, different outlook, different personalities. To some extent, it doesn't matter because we work well most of the time, but I just don't feel loved anymore, and, although I know I love him in a way, it isnt a romantic way.

I don't know if he feels the same way really. On the one hand, he never ever shows me the least bit of affection, but he is generous in other ways towards me.

As for what I get out of the relationship: everything material, nothing emotional I think is the best answer.

OP posts:
2018anotheryearofawesomeness · 31/12/2017 22:24

OP I feel exactly the same. Marrying dh is one of my biggest regrets. He's not a bad guy, but there's no spark and I feel trapped.
But we have young children, and I feel I can't put them through a split Home and split weekends and all the shit that comes with that just because I don't feel in love anymore. They are the ones who would take the brunt of the fallout and they've done nothing wrong and that's not fair (sorry for those that have walked, it's a personal choice) so I will stick it out until they are at least mid teens. I am happy in my life and I'm still young enough anyway (32!) and will just console myself with the fantasy's of what if....

2018anotheryearofawesomeness · 31/12/2017 22:26

Maybe try relationship counciling? Find out what your dh really feels and if you can work through it or come to a mutual split

Backtoblack1 · 31/12/2017 22:26

How about a trial separation? I felt like you and split with my husband but the grass certainly hasn’t been greener. In fact, my life has been hell and I wish we’d talked about things. The spark had gone but I didn’t try very hard to reignite it.

Wishing you happiness whatever you decide x

RainyApril · 31/12/2017 22:27

When my xh and I were on the brink of splitting we saw Relate, and the counsellor said it was entirely possible to reconnect and recover if both parties were committed to achieving it. She said she couldn't wait to get started, but while we waited for the second appointment we separated (he had an affair).

I suppose my point is : it is possible, and when dc are involved I think you really ought to try everything before calling it a day.

If nothing else, it broaches the subject for your dh, who deserves to know how you feel and that you are currently only with him for the lifestyle the marriage affords you. Unless he is a cruel or abusive man, he deserves to know how his wife feels and how close to the wire his marriage is, so that he can make his own choices.

Original poster
Paintspotsonthefloor · 31/12/2017 22:29

I understand how you feel 2018 but I am discovering that it doesn't much matter how old the children are, you feel you would be shattering their world. Well, I do, anyway, with my children.

Also, I am a lot older than you, and I look at you with your 32 years and think you have a lifetime of potential happiness before you which you shouldn't be putting off till you become bitter and twisted like me.

But it is easy to comment on other people's lives. A lot harder to know what to do about ones own!

OP posts:
ReachOutAndTouchDave · 31/12/2017 22:32

I have no advice but wanted to say I also feel like some PPs here. I have youngish dc and putting them through a split seems like the cruellest thing I could do to them.
Regarding counselling - the point about both parties being committed to reigniting/reconnecting is just that...I don't think I am.
I hope you and others find the answer that's right for you.

Original poster
Paintspotsonthefloor · 31/12/2017 22:33

Yes, I would certainly give counselling a go before I finally called quits.

I don't want to break up at all, but I look at other people's lives and think they are happier than me (maybe they aren't?) and that I deserve to be loved.

OP posts:
IndieTara · 31/12/2017 22:40

The final straw when My now XH was rude and vile about my then hairdresser! Sounds weird I know but it was the straw that broke the camels back after a couple of bad years.

I cant tell you the relief I felt for me and DD when we actually split.

She's now 9 and doesn't remember us even living together.

Best decision I made

2018anotheryearofawesomeness · 31/12/2017 22:48

I don't see them as wasted years though. When I turn 50 all my children will be adults and that will be my time to live. And I'm still happy, I have a good life, I just feel very trapped and suffocated at home. And very unsupported. But I don't want to bitch about dh, he's not a bad guy, we are just very very chalk and cheese and what was cute qwerks 7yrs ago are not cute anymore.
The thing is I was a single parent before dh, and I loved it! I've never believed I was cut out for long term relationships and I was right. If we split I would remain single, it's not about wanting to feel loved. It's about wanting to be free. I fucking hate compromising. Every time I have to compromise (as I said we are polar opposites so there is a lot of compromising) I feel like I loose a little bit of me, I little bit of what I want, my hopes and dreams, and that is what causes the majority of my discontent. I know that and I accept that - for now

BlessYourCottonSocks · 31/12/2017 22:50

End for me came when I realised that if someone told me I would still be with him in 40 years time I would cut my wrists that night...we had had almost 15 years together.

I don't suppose I would have done - but I did realise that I could not bear the idea of spending the rest of my life with him and I had to end the relationship. That being alone was better than wasting my entire life.

I have now been with someone else for almost 20 years and it is blissful.

LionelMessy · 05/01/2018 21:24

.... having kids to consider changes the options though.
So tricky to take the big step.

CinnamonLozengesareyum · 05/01/2018 21:55

I know sometimes people try to convince themselves the choices they made were ok.... so I'm not sure of the value of this...

But my DC have adjusted amazingly well to separation. Of course they've had some sad moments. I've had times of feeling incredibly guilty. But honestly, it has been FAR easier for them than I'd ever imagined.

They are so incredibly resilient and amaze me with how they've adjusted.

Ex and I live near each other and we have worked really hard to parent well together. Even in the times I've felt sad for DC it absolutely hasn't felt cruel or devastating for them.

As for counselling, I think it probably helps for a lot of people, however, I felt strongly that if my heart wasn't really into the idea of reconciliation then honesty about feelings could be damaging to our ability to maintain a civil co-parenting relationship on separation. I think it could have made the separated process messier/more hurtful.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 07/01/2018 10:35

Lovely to hear some positives Cinnamon. I feel really guilty for my DCs but the environment they are in now is not good.

I am going to counselling by myself and find it very good.

CinnamonLozengesareyum · 07/01/2018 16:54

It was joint counselling I decided not to do, I too had counselling by myself.

I don't want to suggest making a big change is easy. I too haven't worked in many years. It's daunting but I am building a CV with part time study and volunteering.

What helped me was a mental health professional helping me work out what I would do if we separated, before I made any decision. And then a great therapist who helped me through the process.

I agree that there is an impact on older children, I was late teens when my parents separated and it was dreadful. But I really believe that's about how it was done - there was no thought about the children, it was really acrimonious. But it doesn't have to be like that.

If I was doing it again I'd get my ex into mediation earlier. We are in mediation re financial settlement but they have a lot of expertise in managing all aspects of separation and I'm incredibly impressed with the service/approach.

Perhaps just start with small steps thinking about what change might look like. Life is too short not to be happy. And while he may want to stay together, it sounds like your husband could also be happier.
You don't have to make a decision straight away but at least you would feel less "stuck" and be in a better place to make choices.

Flowers
CinnamonLozengesareyum · 07/01/2018 16:54

Sorry that was long!

Original poster
Paintspotsonthefloor · 17/01/2018 15:38

Thank you @cinnamon for your considered and personal posts. I realise they were posted over a week ago and I hadn't come back to this thread. I will think about what you wrote though.

OP posts:
AngelKiss90 · 17/01/2018 15:59

Theses are some videos to remind us what we need to do to make a marriage work. It takes work on both parts and best done before an affair or divorce.
Read this article first and it is a summary of the videos by Dr Harley.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/joshfowleronline.com/2015/02/15/his-needs-her-needs-10-emotional-needs-in-marriages/amp/
I needed reminding of what it takes to have a great relationship.