I think I actually dislike my dh

[SylviaTietjens]

I really want it to work. My New Years resolution is to be more tolerant of him, not be so snappy and generally just try my hardest to make it work. Then, if this one next year I feel the same I can leave without feeling any guilt.

So he can I get in the right frame of mind? For accepting him as a flawed but also genuinely good hearted, family orientated person. Are there any books on how to tolerate your husband and somehow fall in love with him again?

He’s currently sat on the sofa picking skin off his feet and I want to murder him. But our dc’s love him, it would destroy him if I left, the usual really.

Imagine lying on your deathbed. Wouldn't you wish for this year back? Let him go. I'd hate to think my partner had to read a book to tolerate me.

He’s moving to the other side of the country as I’ve been so unhappy this year. I genuinely thought it was because I was far from my family and friends, didn’t have any help with asd ds and was completely fed up. We’re moving next month and I’ve realised so much of it is because of dh. He’s not doing it on purpose. He just makes me feel so fucking lonely.

does he know how you feel? communication can solve a lot of problems!

would you consider going to Relate?

What attracted you to him in the first place? is that not still there?

How does he feel about you and the marriage?

Are you a sahp? Do you need a job? What’s going to change except your location?
You need to take responsibility for the life you want not expect a partner to make you happy or not.

I’ve tried telling him how I feel but he just puts it down to me being depressed. I was diagnosed with pnd after dc2 was born and apparently all my grumbles about him are simply because my pnd is putting me in the wrong mindset.

I would consider going to relate but I don’t think dh would. He’s not really into talking about feelings and stuff. Maybe if he realised how serious I was about wanting to leave he might though.

I think what (stupidly) attracted me to him in the first place was that he was nice to me. I’d been in a couple of abusive relationships and then dh rocked up as a pillar of stability, he really liked me, he had a good job and wanted a wig and a family and I thought he was perfect. And he would be for so many women. But everytime he opens his mouth to say something else about the fucking weather or the tyre on the car I want to gouge my eyes out.

He wanted a wife not a wig.

I am a sahp. I can’t get a job unfortunately due to ds having asd and not currently being able to cope with anything on top of school. I do resent dh hugely in that I had to give up my career while he gets to carry on as always.

I don’t think I really expect my partner to make me happy as such. I’m perfectly content when he’s not here. But when he is here everything he does and says is wrong.

I just need him to see what needs doing and do it without me spelling out every little thing and then expecting me to treat him like a hero because he loaded the dishwasher.

without wanting to sound like a wanker, I did briefly wonder if you'd suffered/were suffering from depression, but then decided i was just projecting!

I do, and have done for many years and what made me think of it was that I felt EXACTLY like this about my ex when i was slipping back into the depression. I felt like I really liked him when he was away working, but as soon as he was back he just irritated the bejesus out of me. it was like, i loved the idea of him, but not the reality.

I do think it can be fixed, and I don't want this to seem like i'm saying it's your fault or anything. But I do know that life as a sahm with kids who have additional needs can really fucking grind you down and you can end up resentful of your partner very easily. that of course is not helped if he says stuff like that to you rather than being supportive!

what helped me and my ex (this was before he eventualyl buggered off with someone else btw) was talking. but it needs to be GOOD talking, and that means that he needs to really listen.
I think you need to tell him, honestly, how you feel. See if he'll go to relate, and see if you can't make a go of it.

I think, it would be a shame to end the marriage without trying to fix it first. give it a go. if you still feel the same after trying, then reasses?

Sylvia. I feel the same with my dp.
I started to try to have my life in my hands back again. Started volunteering and from that I got a job (just in the beginning of this month).
For years I resented
Being a s a h m, giving up my career and onLy God knows how much I studied and tried to get a job.

Since I started I began to distribute responsibilities between us. Every
Morning he drives kids to school and I collect them in the end of the day.

I don't have to cook every day anymore because I am bloody tired.

I started doing counselling myself to try access my own problems first, which means his head is still in line.

I found a hobby and do it every weekend ALONE (me time!)

I still have to go to CAB to see what's my position will be if I decide to give up our relationship because I feel alone, he is here but absent and far away all the time...it doesn't make sense to me. I feel better and happier alone.

After my counselling I will definitely try relate.

Hey, you’ve stolen my post. I feel the same. I have 3 kids and two have asd so like you I’m stuck at home and bored as hell. There’s nothing wrong with my dh. He’s nice, good job, no abusive but he annoys the crap out of me. But we are going through a hard time as our youngest is being discriminated against at school due to her disability. I’ve found because I’m so focussed on the kids and stuff at home its left me picking at most things and left me unsatisfied with my life. What do you do outside of the home?

I get this too, let me know if you find out how to deal with it

Omg. Is this normal? I go d this really weird? I loved the bones of my h until recently, and Im divorcing him for abuse. How can you feel this way? Surely don't like is worse than don't love?

Mine I think is in part stress (dealing with children with disabilities), lack of career and things outside of the home and my age. I’m late thirties now and looking back on life at what I haven’t done and what I want to do and can’t see myself achieving it and I’m bored.

Dh is a very high earner and works very long hours. I used to work for a charity, so even though I have a PhD I’m never going to earn more than 20k ish. So it had to be that quit work.

I don’t really do anything outside of home atm. Hopefully this will change slightly when we move as my dm will be nearby and she is the only person apart from me that ds can be left with without getting so distressed he self harms (he’s 5 and last time I left him with dh he kept running into the wall until he broke his nose).

Maybe it’s just the fact it’s nye and I’ve spent another year siting here rotting. Feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Nice is good but wig would put me off!

My dd is nearly 5 and gets very upset being left with anyone else. She doesn’t self harm but screams when left. I had a school meeting the other day and she was left with her grandma and grandad and she screamed the hour and a half I was gone. My dh also used to work really long hours. He often wouldn’t be home until 9pm and I’d be left with the kids and it’s draining. Looking after a child with asd is very tough. Is him changing jobs an option? My dh did. He took a few grand pay cut (he’s also a high earner) but is home by 6.30 most nights. I think you need to find some time for yourself. Having two kids with autism has brought me close to breaking point (especially as we still have ongoing issue with the bloody school) but I’ve vowed next year I need to sort myself out. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Aside from things with your husband caring for a child with a disability is extremely hard work.

Sorry. The thread had moved on by the time i posted.

It sounds tough. You need to see it in context. Is it just NYE blues, my life is shite, this isn't what i hoped for, or is it more fundemental. Some stuff isn't going to change, but some stuff could. Could DH cut his hours and you use the time for project, work, fun, catching up? Sometimes, its the lack of any time to do stuff that makes you feel disillusioned with life.

Hope next year brings greater peace.

Well you need to have a long chat with your husband.No point him earning shedloads if your unhappy.Try getting him on a 3 day week so you can get back to work and have some outside interests
You could end up with a man who earns half what your husband earns and still be at home,bored.
Try looking at it from his point of view .Works hard all week provides a good standard of living for his family and his wife is always snapping at him.

This time last year, I was on the verge of divorcing my husband because I hated him.

This year, I love him again

We moved to be closer to my friends and family, and I started sertraline. My difficult one year old is now a marginally less difficult two year old and that’s great - but what really, really helped me was returning to my support network.

I was in your position 3 years ago & I left. Resentment is very hard to come back from.
That said I wouldn't recommend it, it's like swapping one set of problems for another! Your life sounds extremely insular. Before you give up your marriage work hard on yourself.
Hobbies sounds lame but you seriously need another focus. Could you work from home while dc at school ? I don't know what area of skills you have but being highly educated could you share that with others maybe online English tutoring or something?? Sorry if that's way off. Write a book, train as a yoga teacher
I don't know if any books like you're describing but I know of a few very good journals that might help, focussing in what you're grateful for. My friend lost her two yo dd six years ago & she's written one & also recently did an amazing 'random acts of kindness' movement in our community in her memory. Anyway going a bit off topic but just to say, work on yourself before you go it alone. If you still feel the same then leave

Just out of intesest what do you offer him? Do you think he may feel the same? Usually when one person feels like this, there is a good chance the other does too and its lack of communication that is the real problem.

However, it sounds like you "settled" and this is dangerous because these types of partner don't excite you so over time life becomes dull and you resent them. This is one reason so many people have affairs. Life seems perfect to the outside world but the spark isn't there and probably never was.

I settled in my first marriage. The second is more volatile but there is a real attraction there and this is what keeps us going.

I don’t know what I offer him really. I look after our kids, keep the house clean, cook all his meals and all that boring stuff.

My body has changed since having dc’s and he’s made it perfectly obvious how distasteful he finds me (he’s never said but whenever he’s seen me getting changed his face is one of just pure horror) and has no interest in sex with me. I used to be (even if I say so myself) quite attractive and I could tell dh was always proud to ‘show me off’ at work events and stuff. Now he doesn’t want to take me out anywhere, even if we had opportunity.

He’s almost driven me to tears of despair 4 times today already. So much for being more tolerant this year!

he’s made it perfectly obvious how distasteful he finds me ...

And you wonder why you're not happy?

A gratitude diary can be really helpful.
I'd suggest every day writing down
3 things you are grateful for
3 things you did for others
3 things you did for yourself..
Can help a more positive mindset if done I the long term