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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stupid being upset

43 replies

Theshipsong · 31/12/2017 03:03

Over Christmas we spent four days with my parents.

My SM treats her 'blood' grandchildren very well and has a close relationship with them. My children are treated as inconveniences. When we visit, she brings her other GC to stay saying the children will enjoy playing together. I feel perhaps, the real reason for this, is so my children won't be the focus. However, the children have fun together in what would otherwise be a quiet and unwelcoming house. The main problem with bringing the other grandchildren to the house is that the differences in how they are treated becomes more apparent. They will be bought ice cream, offered treats, brought out for trips to local amenities. Mine are left to sit and watch and wonder why they don't get these things until DH and I run to get whatever the other children have to try and make it equal.

When we visit, they don't offer us tea or coffee, meals, clean bedlinen. We shop before we arrive and arrive with all the food we will eat for our stay. We bring gifts.

I am old enough to know better but I am so disappointed that they did not give gifts of any sort to my three very young children but did to the other grandchildren. They didn't give them to me or DH either. We haven't had a falling out, we visit them about four times a year, phone them regularly. They do not visit or phone us. I have continuously make excuses for this but this Christmas, I feel terribly upset about it.

I don't want to stop visiting them and I can't see a way of improving things. I have said that my children are upset over x or y but they shrug and say 'I didn't know your children would like an ice cream' but they do the same the very next day.

What do others in this situation do?

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 31/12/2017 03:13

Honestly? You stop going OP, your kids would be better off with no extended family in their lives than bearing the brunt of the damage these people will do. I know that sounds blunt but what's the point in 'family' if they treat you like shit?

You can't change them or their behaviour, all you can do is protect yourself and your DC from it and it sounds like the only way to do that is to just not go.

LineysRunner · 31/12/2017 03:16

You need to talk to your father about this.

I can't even begin to imagine my OH being happy if I carried on like that with grandchildren/step-grandchildren - he'd step in and say 'they all get treated the same under my roof'.

Of course you can't equalise everything - but it's not all down to your SM to make things work fairly.

Do you take your own bedding? I'd always offer this if I have a car. Not really possible on public transport, though.

Original poster

Theshipsong · 31/12/2017 03:22

My father is aware of it but chooses not to do anything about it. In a way, I understand for we are there only a short while and he is there all the time so doesn't want to rock the boat I suppose.

Yes we take bedlinen.

OP posts:

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 03:29

They couldn't make you more unwelcome if they tried. Apart from being very upsetting for you, I would have to call a stop to these visits because your kids' self esteem will be in tatters over it.
You all deserve much better treatment.

FastWindow · 31/12/2017 03:33

This is not fair, and you need to raise some kind of hell over it, depending on your general situation.
If it's a passive stance in that you just stop going, or an active stance of calling your dad (or SM)? Good luck, but either way, I'd stop putting the kids in the way of the obvious prejudice. Fuckem.

princesssparkle1 · 31/12/2017 03:37

Why do you go? By going you're enabling her. Surely your kids come first?

iggleypiggly · 31/12/2017 03:39

Sorry but why should your children be made to feel second best or inadequate? I’m surprised you’ve put up with this for so long. If it was me I wouldn’t go back to visit again!

Original poster

Theshipsong · 31/12/2017 03:41

I go because I do not want to lose all contact with my father which I think is her aim. I worry something will happen to him (he is elderly) and I won't have seen him in too long a time. He is my only remaining parent and I don't want to cut that tie permanently. I want him to have met his grandchildren, I wish he'd take the time to get to know them but I am now accepting the fact that he isn't interested in doing this. But it hurts too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Theshipsong · 31/12/2017 03:48

ETA I also feel partly responsible because during my twenties, I did not want to visit them very often. I didn't feel welcome there and my SM was quite difficult. I went through a number of years of having short and stilted phonecalls, but my father continued to contact me weekly. I was in my twenties and I didn't want to have to give a run down of my life and be criticised.

I feel the communication broke down at this time and it was really when I had my own children, some years later, that I realised how hurt he (may) have been when I didn't want to talk to him. So when I had my first child, I tried to make amends, backtrack but perhaps it was too late. But I feel guilty for being partially responsible.

OP posts:

Cobblersandhogwash · 31/12/2017 03:48

This is really nasty. And downright rude.

Your SM is a bitch. No two ways about it. Your poor dcs. And poor you. You bring your own bedlinen??

Your dad is complicit.

I wouldn't go anymore.

I would explain to my dad and SM why and tell them you're pissed off about it. And do not accept any "Oh but we didn't know" bullshit. Rude is rude and mean is mean. It's an effort to be rude and mean and they're certainly making that effort.

I would continue to call him, email, text or whatever but I would not expose my children to this shit.

It's your dad's choice not to be interested. You can't make people interested.

Get angry.

NoMudNoLotus · 31/12/2017 03:50

I have lived in this very situation OP.

We went no contact - it took a while to get there but it was a situation that we could not allow our children as they got older with greater awareness to be exposed to.

It is just too detrimental to their emotional wellbeing , too destructive to their self esteem and was just too painful for us to bear on a long term basis. The final straw for us was when all the children were treated to a trip to the pantomime for Christmas and our 2 were not.

We dont regret it at all. Our lives improved for going no contact and it was the fairest thing we could do by our DC and very much in their best interests.

I empathise with you and wish you the strength to end this because it will erode you eventually

Lollipop30 · 31/12/2017 04:03

Just stop going your kids won’t be stupid and even if they haven’t picked up on it yet they will.
We had this with my grandparents (SGM & GF) as adults we just never went and my parents stopped going when my grandad died

Mxyzptlk · 31/12/2017 04:06

Stupid Totally Absolutely Reasonable being upset.

You have nothing to feel guilty about if you disliked phone calls from your father because you were made to feel bad. In any case, you have tried to have a relationship with your F and SM, but they don't seem interested in taking part in it.

Don't take your DCs there again, unless you can go for just a couple of hours. Or not even that if it would still result in the other children being there and getting favourable treatment.

Obviously, you can still stay in contact with your F, and also visit, even if the DCs stay away.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 31/12/2017 04:12

You have to draw a line, who do you care most about. It’s hard but who suffers more?

ChickenMom · 31/12/2017 04:31

If you want to maintain contact why don’t you go see your DF just by yourself. Take him out somewhere once a month just the two of you. Cut her completely out of it. Offer to take him out for a meal to the restaurant of his choice. Make it clear it’s just the two of you. That will really get her goat. You have a right to see your father but you don’t have to see that old cow. Stop putting your kids through that. She doesn’t deserve their company. She doesn’t deserve yours. Cut her out. Buildup the relationship with your father then start inviting him and him alone to your house for special occasions like the kids birthday. Make it clear that you’d like him to be close to your kids but the kids and you have been very upset by her behaviour (don’t go into it) so this is the way it must be from now on. Talking to her and trying to change her behaviour will never work. She wants to cut you out so you need to play a different game

Original poster

Theshipsong · 31/12/2017 04:42

He doesn’t rleave the house much these days except to go to local events. We live four hours away, when in good health, he wouldn’t come to us. He doesn’t like restaurants either and in a million years he would not accept she wasn’t invited. I’m afraid it has to be their house or nothing if I want to see him. And his health is not good so cutting contact is very very hard to do knowing there isn’t more than a couple of years.

I have visited without DH and the children. My father tends to use that time to rant and rave at me. The reason I want my kids to go is so they will have a memory of meeting him. But now they are getting older and more aware, it is harder.

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 31/12/2017 05:03

You've done your best but your F and SM are making it impossible for your DCs to have good memories of their grandparents.
Stop taking them there.

NoMudNoLotus · 31/12/2017 05:16

Oh OP youve got it so wrong.

Its harder if the children do have memories.

Mxyzptlk · 31/12/2017 05:37

I have visited without DH and the children. My father tends to use that time to rant and rave at me.

Your relationship with your F is not good. Having your children there fends of the unpleasant experience for you of F's ranting and raving. But it gives your DCs the unpleasant experience of being treated unfairly.
Don't do that any more.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2017 05:37

How difficult it is to offer a child ice cream. It's extremely mean of her. What a horrible woman she is.

Cobblersandhogwash · 31/12/2017 10:13

You want your dcs to have a memory of meeting a man who allowed his wife to be a mean cow to them?

What lovely cherished memories they will have.

You do realise this is massive dig at you through your children? Horrible.

So I think you're most certainly not stupid to be upset about this. It's really horrible of them.

I would never expose my children or myself to this crap.

What does he rant and rave to you about when you visit alone? Your failings as a daughter?

LineysRunner · 31/12/2017 10:25

Does he by any chance have a drink problem, and she enables it? Or something similar?

Original poster

Theshipsong · 31/12/2017 10:31

A drink problem? No he doesn’t drink. But he is highly dependent on her moreso now for health reasons.

OP posts:

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 10:50

It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of misplaced guilt. It's not your fault you didn't feel welcomed. As the parent, the onus was on your dad to make you his priority, something he's yet to do. It's sad but you shouldn't be going out of duty.

AnotherWorry · 31/12/2017 10:55

They are deliberately horrible to your DCs. And you!!

You need to decide what's more important to you, your self respect and your children's happiness, or keeping the peace with your father?

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