Stupid being upset

[Theshipsong]

Over Christmas we spent four days with my parents.

My SM treats her 'blood' grandchildren very well and has a close relationship with them. My children are treated as inconveniences. When we visit, she brings her other GC to stay saying the children will enjoy playing together. I feel perhaps, the real reason for this, is so my children won't be the focus. However, the children have fun together in what would otherwise be a quiet and unwelcoming house. The main problem with bringing the other grandchildren to the house is that the differences in how they are treated becomes more apparent. They will be bought ice cream, offered treats, brought out for trips to local amenities. Mine are left to sit and watch and wonder why they don't get these things until DH and I run to get whatever the other children have to try and make it equal.

When we visit, they don't offer us tea or coffee, meals, clean bedlinen. We shop before we arrive and arrive with all the food we will eat for our stay. We bring gifts.

I am old enough to know better but I am so disappointed that they did not give gifts of any sort to my three very young children but did to the other grandchildren. They didn't give them to me or DH either. We haven't had a falling out, we visit them about four times a year, phone them regularly. They do not visit or phone us. I have continuously make excuses for this but this Christmas, I feel terribly upset about it.

I don't want to stop visiting them and I can't see a way of improving things. I have said that my children are upset over x or y but they shrug and say 'I didn't know your children would like an ice cream' but they do the same the very next day.

What do others in this situation do?

Cut contact. Think of your children. I was treated differently by my mum's parents. All my cousins got nice treats and cuddles and me and my twin got nothing. In the end we used to not want to go so my parents stopped contact. I don't have nice memory of my grandparents and it would have been better to stop contact earlier. They are both dead now and it did upset my mum but she knew why she did it. They were like it because my parents moved an hours drive away as my dad was military.

Sorry, they don't even provide bed linen?

Why are you doing this to yourself? Are you a masochist? Your father shows you every time you see him that you and your children aren't a priority.

There is no way I'd allow anyone to treat my children like that. Father or not I wouldn't go there again.

I think my SM would love if we stopped going there. She has already brainwashed my father (although perhaps that wasn’t as hard as I used think).

Wouldn't you love not going too? It sounds like you all get treated like shit when you do go.

Standing up for yourself is a great feeling.

I had this and I am now NC, I did this for my own sanity and because I decided that my DS and DSS would not be treated the way I had, they and I deserve better!
I hadn't spent any time with my father alone since I was 11 and I lived with them, my SM pushed and pushed and now she has her own way, I'm out of their life.
The saving grace is that I don't feel guilty, I put my children first and that is something he can never say BUT the biggest bonus is I don't have to hurt anymore and my mental health is so much better. I blamed her for years because it was easier to blame her than to look at this man who was so say my father and realise he was a spineless twat!
Think long and hard OP of what is ok and not ok for you, you don't owe your father anything and if the only pay back you get is disrespect and hurt ask yourself is it worth it?

if the only pay back you get is disrespect and hurt ask yourself is it worth it?
And is it worth it for your DC to suffer that too?

Your husband is a bloody saint!
8 hour round trip 4 times a year to watch his kids get treated like shit?!
I'd have had loving but firm words with you long before now about how unhappy I was.

Your SM is a bitch, and your father doesn't deserve your loyalty because he hasn't given you his.

I'm sorry to twist the knife so bluntly, but if you did suggest a dinner out with your dad half way (or even you travelling) do you think he'd make up an excuse?

oooh I wouldn't let my DC feel left out/ sidelined/ disapponted and would call her out on her behaviour. Her behaviour is cruel

Your SM and father sound very Stately Homes, so you might get some good advice on those threads.

IMO you had the right idea going low contact in your 20s. Current contact is way too high and not good for you or the DC.

Your father has let you down very badly over many years.

Are the visiting GC your step nieces and nephews? What kind of relationship do you have with your step siblings?

Your SM is a bitch, and your father doesn't deserve your loyalty because he hasn't given you his.

Sadly I agree.

You need to stop going op. I used to be in a similar situation. I blamed my Dad's wife too but actually it was my Dad who let me down. That's more difficult to acknowledge.

You are using precious holiday leave, family time and probably family budget visiting people who treat you like shit. More importantly, treat your beloved DC badly.

Time to put your own family first.
I think you'll look back and wonder why you put up with that treatment.

Its sad but you are making great efforts to prop up a relationship with people who are not behaving in a loving way.

Sorry if I am wrong but it sounds to me you are trying to safeguard an inheritance you'll be cut off from with no contact - I think you should accept that is already gone - there is no value in the human relationships so move on and don't bother x

Your DC will retain memories of how they are made to feel - very unwelcome and unloved.

My paternal GP's were like this to me. I never used to get anything to eat, was barely acknowledged/spoken to, wasn't given Christmas or birthday cards/presents. Decades later I can still remember what awful GP's they were. My M and F are toxic so it's little wonder they didn't care about exposing me to that shit as I had worse at home with them.

You have a choice not to subject your DC to this toxic environment. Please make the right choice for them, for you and for your DH. You have nothing to gain by tolerating this situation.

Quokka12 I expect it's more about how difficult it is to walk away from a parent. OP sounds hurt by the situation.

You see he is one of

...two living relatives I have left (excl) my own children. It is very hard to accept he isn’t bothered about us.

Yes. Family can be totally overrated.

Op, I bet loads of people who aren't blood related to you and your dcs adore you.

I have had to accept my brother and his wife have no time for me and my dcs. Unless they want something like birthday/Xmas gifts for their children. It feels a bit odd buying for children I don't know at all but I'm happy to do it because they're children and it'll make them happy.

Anyway, I would not visit your father and his wife anymore. I would call every week and send an email once a month with updates on family events/School reports/team results etc.

You must feel terrible after every visit. You don't have to do this.

Your SM is very good isn't she? What you want is no longer available. Dad's not interested. I would explain to Dad/them? that you will not continue to bring your children there to be treated like second class citizens. Have a heart to heart with Dad first, say to him what you want him to know (imagine you will never see him again). Then let both of them know that you will not be dragging yoir lovely family across country to see them again so they can show their contempt towards them all. Provide a way for them to contact you- and kids skype etc and then leave it there. Accept they may never contact you.

I am sorry if you really love your Dad.There MAY have been a chance for a new relationship with Dad and SM when you were younger, but probably not. Any inheritance is long redistributed amongst her children. Concentrate on building a life-long relationship with your children in a way that your Dad did not with you.