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Original poster

What can I do about grumpy DH?

38 replies

PrincessPlod · 30/12/2017 09:25

We've been married 5 yrs but together 8yrs. We live in a 3 bed house and have kids 5 yrs and 6 months. He also has 15yr and 11yr who visit school holidays as they don't want to visit other times as they live 100 miles from us so are away from friends.

DH has a lot of regrets about wasting his younger years in a loveless marriage, not traveling and missing opportunities in his career but only has himself to blame really and can't seem to past this.

He is moody 80% of the time, he works shifts but I do insure the kids are out of the house if he needs to sleep during the day. DH always complains he is tired, the kids are noisy when he awake trying to watch tv and if I have to go out say to a medical appointment and ask him to have the kids I get eye rolling and more moodiness. I then spend the whole time worrying he is shouting at the kids.

Yesterday 5yr said 'I don't like daddy looking after me as he is always grumpy and he shouts at the baby' I felt heartbroken. I know this is only going to get worse with his older kids visiting as he starts the rant about the house being to small, being a mess (kids playing with toys) plus he has an obsession with trying to present a perfect family to them so they can feed this back to his ex.

DH is very much on page 'I can't be arsed as I've worked today/going to work/worked yesterday' so I do everything. I plan days out ask him to come and he moans saying 'sounds crap' or 'how is that a holiday? We have children with us'

My family have noticed his behaviour and my grandma said to me this week 'it's not a question if you break up more like when'.

Is there anything you can suggest to sort this out? By his own admission he wishes he wasn't a parent and does get angry for no reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessPlod · 30/12/2017 09:30

Should also mention he is keen on spending loads of time with his parents including going on holiday with them. He said it's nice for them to see children but also his mum can look after them with me so he can do stuff he wants. Last year holiday he spent 2 half days sea kayaking whilst mil and I entertained ds.

OP posts:
rothbury · 30/12/2017 09:31

Um, look at what you have asked here - you want to know how to change him?

I very much doubt he will change. I don't really understand how you have tolerated this for so long and chosen to have two children with such a miserable fucker.

At least you are married so extricating yourself from this miserable life should be fairly straightforward if you chose to do so.

Think again about your children - is this really how you want them to grow up? It also sounds like your DH would be far happier if you split.

category12 · 30/12/2017 09:32

Oh god. Grant his wish and let him be single. It's heartbreaking that your ds said that. He shouts at the baby?

Honestly, you do everything and he's horrible to be around and makes the dc miserable.

Ltb.

Original poster
PrincessPlod · 30/12/2017 09:41

I know I need to have a chat to him about this, his behaviour and what he actually wants as I seriously doubt it's us. He has always previously been very happy and positive but in last year has got progressively grumpy to the miserable person he is now.

OP posts:
lightcola · 30/12/2017 09:44

What a miserable existence. Do your children a favour and leave. You can’t change him. He doesn’t deserve any of you.

category12 · 30/12/2017 09:44

If it's possibly a MH issue, I would say to him - unless you get help now, we won't have a marriage soon.

SequinsOnEverything · 30/12/2017 09:47

Sounds like everyone will be happier if you leave him.

Grunkalunka · 30/12/2017 10:00

You are right - talk to him. If he is not prepared to get help (depression?) and take steps to change then you have your answer. Only he can change himself and he needs to want to. Do you think he behaved like this in his previous marriage as well?

Original poster
PrincessPlod · 30/12/2017 13:58

No in his previous marriage he was under the thumb completely he didn't really look after his kids as she told him he was useless at everything. He wasn't allowed to see his family or friends. I don't get funny about him going out or seeing family and he can have his pictures of planes on the wall. Yesterday he compared me to his ex saying he hates the clutter she was super tidy. We've been together ages, I've not changed so wondering why he getting so annoyed with me.

OP posts:
ILoveMillhousesDad · 30/12/2017 14:05

He's told you that's why his first marriage split up.

Let me guess, his ex is a psycho 🤔

I bet she dumped his ass for being a lazy, miserable bastard.

You have concerns when you leave the house about leaving the children with him! That is just crazy.

Please spare your children and yourself, from this miserable existence.

LizzieSiddal · 30/12/2017 14:10

”If it's possibly a MH issue, I would say to him - unless you get help now, we won't have a marriage soon.”

I agree with this ^^

He sounds awful, selfish, angry and short tempered. But if he hadn’t always been like this I’d give him a chance to change. So he’d either have to go to therapy or the Dr (if he feels depressed) and get help.

If he refused it would be the end of the marriage. I actually did this with my Dh. He had issues related to his childhood and I made allwances and put up with it for several years. In the end he had an unltimatum. He started therapy and it has helped enormously.

celticmissey · 30/12/2017 14:18

Bless you - not much of a life for you or the kids is it? Ask yourself- what would you actually miss about him if you ended the relationship? Not much I would imagine if anything at all? He could be depressed - short fuses can be a sign of depression or there could be a medical reason for his tiredness. Either way you need to tell him to see a doctor - but if neither of those apply seriously think what you are getting out of the relationship and if you want a life of you and the kids treading on egg shells. Been in a relationship where I was so lonely - best thing I did was to leave it behind. Best of luck - you and the children need happiness. The kids will pick up on his moods more and more the older they become.

user1500124076 · 30/12/2017 14:26

First I would give a sort of ultimatum of getting his MH checked. I have to take 9 tablets a day for the rest of my life in order to even be pleasant enough to be around, so I can empathize with him in that regard - if that is indeed the problem here.

If he's not diagnosed with anything/unwilling to seek help and really it all boils down to him not being happy with his situation as it stands, then do everyone a favour - your kids especially - and end the marriage before it turns completely toxic.

NoSquirrels · 30/12/2017 14:29

Have you mentioned how difficult his moods are?

Has it been worse since the baby was born? Could he be depressed?

Numb81 · 30/12/2017 19:58

Can I ask a question to all of those who say LTB in this situation?

When one of the main reasons for LTB is because of the way he treats your children, is it not better to stay so that you can protect the DC from him?

I am in a similar situation, have reached my limits, but cannot bare the thought of sharing custody with him. I am certain that would have a detrimental affect on my DC. He would either take his moods out on them or palm them off to his DM to be looked after.

Original poster
PrincessPlod · 30/12/2017 20:44

Yes I've mentioned his moods but he says they aren't that bad. I need to pick my time to discuss this when he is a better mood, no kids are present and he isn't off to work this won't be anytime soon.

I did think it could be depression and things have got worse since Baby arrived. He doesn't get MH, I am currently on tablets for DNP after being on them 6 weeks DH is telling to stop taking them as there is nothing wrong with me.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 30/12/2017 20:47

I’m with your grandma on this one.

Life is hard with little kids and work but essentially he should be overjoyed at his great good fortune to have love, beautiful kids...

Instead he’s a grumpy, nasty waste of space.

LizzieSiddal · 30/12/2017 20:50

DH is telling to stop taking them as there is nothing wrong with me.

So he knows better than a Dr?Angry

He really is a peach isn’t he? Do tell him he either gets help himself or your marriage is over.

category12 · 30/12/2017 20:56

Numb81:
Staying means 24/7 contact with him, no escape/respite for the dc, and constant vigilance on her part (which is impossible) - he's grumpy and shouty and she can't stop him being like that. Also, it's teaching the dc what relationships look like and they're likely to fall into those patterns as adults (Would you want your dd to end up with a similar man? Would you want your ds bullying his girlfriends?)

Splitting up means being able to provide a calm happy safe home without him being a black cloud all the time. What contact he had might be EOW, and he might be more inclined to be a Disney Dad in his contact time.

Would your dc being "palmed off" on his mother be so bad? (unless she's abusive herself). He might not want or be able to sustain levels of contact that you imagine he would. It's often used as a threat - that the guy would go for 50/50 or whatnot, but in practice it often doesn't work that way.

Numb81 · 30/12/2017 21:16

Thanks for your reply category12. I didn’t mean it to come across that I think OP should stay for the sake of the DC. I agree with everything you’ve said, and I know deep down that leaving is ultimately the best thing. I just can’t get my head around not being there to protect them from him (in my situation). His whole family are toxic, so leaving him with his mum probably wouldn’t be any better.

LizzieSiddal · 30/12/2017 21:44

Numb, I’m not sure what to advise but if you don’t get answers on this thread, start your own thread in Relationships asking specifically what you could do. I’m sure there will be solutions. Flowers

Maelstrop · 30/12/2017 22:08

Sounds like he wants to be a single guy but wants you to be his maid cleaning the house. This must be having a terrible effect on your oldest dc.

Merryoldgoat · 30/12/2017 22:27

He says his moods aren't that bad. Was that the end of the conversation?

Did you not say something like 'yes they ARE that bad. I don't want to be with you like this. Our relationship is in serious trouble and if you don't do something concrete divorce will be our only option'?

Hermonie2016 · 30/12/2017 22:43

So his marriage ended when his other children were 7 and 3? Is there a pattern?? Whu did he agree to 4 children if he isn't keen on children/family life?

I really wouldn't listen to his comments on the ex, sure she might have been unreasonable at times but he is highly likely to have been similar.

He sounds self centred and gets bored of family life..that is not going to change especially as he had one family already.

Can you see the payoff for his moods? He gets you all to walk on eggshells, doing what he wants.Its the most likely reason for being angry around everyone.

Why not read "why does he do that" by Lundy. I think you might find his type in there.

Am I the only one who thinks him (or you)spending a few hours solo doing an activity whilst on holiday is fine.Everyone needs space from each other and it just needs planning so there is equality.

fizzthecat1 · 30/12/2017 22:55

he didn't really look after his kids as she told him he was useless at everything. He wasn't allowed to see his family or friends

Omg OP you fell for this 😂. That's why he didn't look after his kids. He probably behaved the same way he behaves around you.

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