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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can we/ should we get back together?

32 replies

Natalies85 · 30/12/2017 07:56

Hello, I have posted a couple of times over the last few days. My husband left the day after boxing day with our 2.5 y/o daughter. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression on and off since she was born and things had become too much for us all. For the short term (1-2 weeks) my husband is staying with his mum and our daughter because he thinks this is best for my anxiety (she is potty training which is triggering anxiety in me). I had initially thought they would return to the house after this period but yesterday he explained that he thinks its best if he looks to buy another house and we separate for 6-12 months sharing custody of our daughter. He says he still wants us to be together and happy in the future. Is this possible with such a long separation? Hoping somebody has experience of a similar situation? I want to have a happy family and I acknowledge that I need to get some intense professional help for my anxiety. But at the same time I struggle to see why it is best for the three of us to live in limbo for several months - part of me thinks we should just bite the bullet and get divorced so we can all start our lives again?

OP posts:
category12 · 30/12/2017 08:04

Sounds like he's left you but hasn't actually told you that.

Mulch · 30/12/2017 08:07

I think he can't face telling you he wants to separate, which isn't helpful stringing you along

MrsDilber · 30/12/2017 08:14

I have anxiety and it's vile. Feeling nervous all the time is exhausting.

I think it sounds like he's left but isn't prepared to say it out loud to you.

I'd ask, calmly, for some honesty about the situation.

Good luck. Thanks I wish you well.

Angrybird345 · 30/12/2017 08:17

If he wanted to get back together, he would not be buying a house - that’s pretty permanent.

Babyblues052 · 30/12/2017 08:22

I agree with pp he's already left you.

LIZS · 30/12/2017 08:27

Agree buying a house is not a short term idea, nor is it a spontaneous one since Boxing Day. He has likely planned his leaving for a while and may well renege on shared custody/ access. If he works how would he cope with the needs of a toddler? His mum by any chance? You don't have to potty train her at 2 1/2 if she and you are not ready. Could he be using your anxiety as an excuse?

user1474652148 · 30/12/2017 08:28

He is gently trying to separate but doesn't want to hurt you or make things worse.

I would be pretty keen to get my child back home and start thinking about whom and what agencies can support you and dd during this period.

Angelf1sh · 30/12/2017 09:34

He’s left you. You don’t buy a house for a 6 month breathing space period. I suspect you need to assume he will seek a residence order for your child and he will say you can’t cope with full residence or 50-50 because of your anxiety. He’ll use the potty training as evidence that you can’t cope with a young child. So you need to decide what you are going to do next. Are you happy with every other weekend contact? If not, you have to start looking for professional help for your anxiety. Immediately. You need to be able to show the court that you have this under control. Start taking some steps today. You can do this!

LEMtheoriginal · 30/12/2017 09:41

I'm sorry but the fact that he told you he wants to buy another house should tell you that he wants this to be permanent.

I think you need to get some legal advice otherwise he is going to take your dd away.

Please seek help for your anxiety. I suffer greatly and can totally empathise. You could be suffering from PHD.

Would you mind telling us how the potty training is triggering for you?

BackInTheRoom · 30/12/2017 09:48

@Natalies85

Can we should we get back together?

I don't think you can get back together. He sounds like he's moved on? Maybe with some decent help, you can navigate a way through this.

Original poster
Natalies85 · 30/12/2017 10:12

Hello, couple of additional points that may be relevant. the reason for wanting to buy a house during separation is that it is a lot cheaper where we live to get a mortgage because rental prices are very high, and we had been talking recently about getting a second house to let out as an investment.
To LEMtheoriginal - the potty training trigger - I have always had massive anxiety around milestones. I mentioned in a previous post (don't know how to link posts, apologies) that I thought she had autism because she was a late smiler and then thought cerebral palsy when she didn't crawl until 11.5 months. Both of these ideas were absurd but every milestone has lead to me thinking she won't be able to do it and that this in turn will be indicative of a serious health problem. During pregnancy I had several private scans because I was convinced (despite no evidence) that something would be wrong and needed constant reassurance. Before that I worried constantly about losing my job (despite being very successful throughout my career). its always something. I have had CBT therapy for anxiety (after the birth of my daughter) but clearly it hasn't resolved the underlying issues

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 30/12/2017 13:16

@Natalies85

What treatment, other than the CBT you mention, have you had in the last 2 years?

theredjellybean · 30/12/2017 14:47

OP - that sounds quite sad, but i disagree that he is trying to make separation final. Maybe you need to ask him what his 'happy in the future' looks like ?

Is it you all together and you not being a highly anxious mother ?
Is it you together and he being main carer of dd ?

I think that he is trying to do what is best for your dd, and having a mother who is so anxious about every milestone is not going to be good for her.
However I also can see this is not your fault , please talk to him and together get help for your anxiety before its too late

GottadoitGottadoit · 30/12/2017 14:54

I think that he is trying to do what is best for your dd

This.

I think you need to focus on getting treatment at the moment.

deckoff · 30/12/2017 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deckoff · 30/12/2017 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlefrogletx · 30/12/2017 15:07

I would strongly advise getting your daughter back with you and getting some support.
You do not want this held against you at a later date.
Ps I completely understand anxiety I battle every day with it. But get your daughter back with you asap.

Dozer · 30/12/2017 15:09

Ask him to return your DD and seek legal advice asap.

GottadoitGottadoit · 30/12/2017 15:11

I would strongly advise getting your daughter back with you and getting some support

WTF?!

Have you read the part where the OP talks about her anxiety?

Do you have any empathy for the child?

At no point has the OP implied that being with her father isn’t the best thing for the child right now.

isitmyturnyet · 30/12/2017 15:23

OP hasn’t even said anything about thinking the DD should be with her, and posters are telling her to have her returned, that she will be “taken away” from her, as if she’s a bought and paid for possession. Maybe she actually is better off under shared custody for now!

Original poster
Natalies85 · 30/12/2017 15:48

Hello all, I do think my little one is better off under shared custody/ with husband and mum-in-law for the time being. I am going to see her everyday to show her I love her and so she stays close to me.

bibidee - regarding treatment, I currently take 150g sertraline everyday and run 4 times per week (exercise helps improve my mood)

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 30/12/2017 15:49

Well it sounds like this is a good interim solution then.

Butterymuffin · 30/12/2017 15:59

I think you need to talk to your husband about what this 'happy future' would look like, and how it might be made real.

If your current treatment isn't substantially alleviating your anxiety, what other options are there to try?

Original poster
Natalies85 · 30/12/2017 16:11

Hello butterymuffin. I am looking at receiving psychodynamic therapy in combination with cbt. I feel the cbt helps manage symptoms but doesn't alleviate the cause - psychodynamic therapy should give me a more profound understanding of where my issues come from and how to address them. It is worth trying anyway.

Gottadoit - I agree this is a good interim solution, I just feel it needs to be time-bound rather than indefinite and I want my husband to be honest with me about what he wants. if he wants to stay together we need to work through issues (on both sides) and if he doesn't that's his choice entirely but its not fair on me or dd to string things along while he works out what his best options are.

The problem with anxiety is not knowing whether I'm being paranoid when I don't take at face value his claims that he wants to stay together

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 30/12/2017 16:15

Thing is, he probably doesn’t really know quite what he wants just yet and it’s easy to talk about changing the dynamics of a relationship, much harder to do it!