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Original poster

Am I being brainwashed/manipulated or are my expectations to high? Please help

38 replies

dani1394 · 29/12/2017 19:33

Hi all. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 6 years. We have one child together and also live together. Our relationship has had its lowest lows & highest highs. Right now I’m batteling with my emotions and don’t know if I have mental health issues or if my relationship is effecting me or I am being brainwashed perhaps. My other half smokes cannabis on a daily basis and has done since his teenage years. He isn’t lazy & im aware I can’t make him stop unless he wants to, which he doesn’t. However I recently discovered he has been taking cocaine behind my back. He thinks he should be able to take whatever he likes if he really wants to, & shouldn’t be persicuted by me, & that’s his reason for hiding it and also for lying. I’m a relatively serious woman. I enjoy a passion for bodybuilding for which he despises, he’s very insecure even about me wearing gym leggings. However if I ask questions to him about where he is, when he’s home he feels that I’m interigating him and that he can’t breathe. I don’t think he trusts me although no reason not to as such. I myself do not take drugs, I enjoy a healthy lifestyle & he is very opposite. He blames me for a lot that’s gone wrong in his life and begrudges me. Often threatening to leave me (he lives in my home) although I call it ours. He has other properties he could live in (work relating for him). He helps out with jobs around home & spends good time with our son. Do I need to lay off? Are my standards to high? I must say after the lies I don’t feel much trust towards him, but I don’t hold him against this on a daily basis like he does with my gym leggings which really is a huge deal in my daily life with him. He thinks it’s to show off to other men at the gym and really they’re just Normal gym leggings. There’s a large amount of jealously I would guess along with some insecurity which he probably wouldn’t want to admit. I love the idea of a normal life where my husband agree’s that drugs are bad and just occasional alcohol and enjoyment be enough. Everything progresses in life. I have saved enough money for a mortgage for our future home and he still hasn’t managed to do so, even though he makes a lot more money than I ever have. He has spent his money on gold jewellery, designer clothes & cannabis I suppose. He does still take us out for food as a family and the smaller things. I’m just not sure if I’m questioning myself wrongly? Or do I need to back off?

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 29/12/2017 19:40

Yes, you are being manipulated and brainwashed. If anything your expectations are way too low.

Petalflowers · 29/12/2017 19:41

it Sounds like you have different priorities,in life. You want to save for the future, ie. a mortgage, exercise and live healthily. He is still living a single life, squandering money on drugs, buying gold jewellery etc.

Maybe you do complain about his drug taking, but I think I would too. Also, the cannabis taking is,probably making him paranoid about your body building,

Does he contribute to the family finances, or family life.?

I don’t think,you need to back,off, but work out what you want from the life, and see whether he wants it as well.

Angelf1sh · 29/12/2017 19:44

Omg get rid of this prick. Next time he threatens to leave, hold the door open for him.

Offred · 29/12/2017 19:45

IME every single person I have ever known who regularly smokes cannabis has this kind of ‘low level’ grumbling paranoia, hypocrisy, money problems and issues with control and they all think they have no issues and it is everyone else that is the problem.

Your standards are not too high generally however since he is who he is, you cannot expect him to be a person who will ever give you that.

Original poster
dani1394 · 29/12/2017 19:46

He does help out with all bills we pay half each and medial things like trips to the shop he will always just get for our family. I agree that our lives seem to lead two different paths. He see’s me more like a mother than a partner sometimes I assume as I don’t agree with so much he is involved with.

OP posts:
Original poster
dani1394 · 29/12/2017 19:47

I found your point of view really interesting. As I’m only 23 years old, this is my first real long term relationship so I hadn’t assumed everyone who smokes cannabis has this low level of living. Thank you for your input it’s really helpful

OP posts:
Offred · 29/12/2017 19:51

IDK whether it is the cannabis entirely. I think the paranoia is probably the cannabis but I suspect it may well also be that the kind of person that relies on drugs to get them through life is someone who has never developed the ability to really properly be an adult.

Probably the smoking is what has prevented them from learning those skills in a way.

Offred · 29/12/2017 19:55

There is some research that indicates daily use, long term use and use during adolescence are all factors that increase risks.

caringdenise009 · 29/12/2017 19:56

You are only 23? For some reason I assumed you were much older. You are young and obviously ambitious and hard working. If you were my daughter I would be horrified that you are with this man. Just from what you've said,he is not the man to bring up a child with.

Thingsdogetbetter · 29/12/2017 19:58

Husband or partner?

I ask this because when you finally realise this guy is a twat and get rid of him it will affect you with regards 'your' home. Is it rented or mortgaged?
I am very drug friendly, but you have a child and he is acting like a single man. He is doing the minimum a partner/father should be doing and you seem to be grateful with these scraps.

Ask yourself why your standards are so low:
He takes drugs and lies about it, spending what should be family money on them.
Despises your hobby, accuses you of trying to attract other men. Threatens to leave when he's not getting his own way, thus keeping you unbalanced.

Spends 'his' money on whatever HE wants.
Wants to go and do whatever he wants whenever he wants.
Blames you for what has gone wrong in HIS life so therefore doesn't take any responsibility.

And in return you get a bit of 'help' and the occasional meal out.

Seems a bit of a one sided relationship to me. Next time he treatens to leave, hand him his packed bag and say "excellent plan, bye". And set your sights on an equal partnership with someone who's not a manchild.

caringdenise009 · 29/12/2017 19:58

Do you want your son be like him as he grows up?

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 29/12/2017 19:59

Your standards are not high enough.

He's

ApplesTheHare · 29/12/2017 20:00

You're being brainwashed to think he's ok, but really your expectations are too low. Hugs for you and your loFlowers

Karigan1 · 29/12/2017 20:00

If anything your standards should be higher.

Petalflowers · 29/12/2017 20:02

If you are only 23, and you have been with him for six years, then you have been with him since you were 17. You have not known any other adult relationship. You are obviously doubting what you want from this relationship, and whether you are both singing off the same hymn sheet.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 29/12/2017 20:02

Sorry posted too soon.

He's...
Manipulative
Lies to you
Has a drug problem
Is borderline abusive
Is insecure and jealous

This is not a nice or decent man op.

Seriously you and your child deserve more than this.

Offred · 29/12/2017 20:03

Put it this way;

Every single day he is taking psychoactive substances that alter his experience of reality.

Given this, why would you expect anything that he says to accurately reflect reality?

Original poster
dani1394 · 29/12/2017 20:06

He is my husband although that holds no real bearing on anything clearly. I’ve stood by him through a lot which is why I’ve struggled to actually leave already as he has packed his bags many a times over the months and years. Currently the home we share is rented. No problems with me staying here alone with our son. I don’t depend upon him for anything but I suppose I am attached to the relationship. He has been to prison a few years ago for which I also stood by him. My life must sound more ridiculous by the sentence. However.... I am not stupid or blinded by anything. More emotionally mixed up from how he’s treated me. I have social anxiety, and only have two good friends of who I don’t get to see that often, so I’m quite lonely also, luckily I have things to focus on but I do still feel lonely which is one of the reasons I’ve also found it difficult to actually say yes leave to him. Along with being scared. Perhaps excuses? Although I don’t make excuses for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
dani1394 · 29/12/2017 20:07

Wow. I think I need to screen shot those words and set it as my background. What truthful words they are. I have no idea what it could be like to be addicted to a substance, so I have defiantly been naive there.

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 29/12/2017 20:12

YOUVE stood by HIM throughout the relationship. Working, having a child, planning for the future,saving enough for a mortgage and providing a home for you all. He's spent his money on drugs and jewellery, and has packed his bags numerous times? Next time,let him go to one of his other properties. If youlet him stay, he will grind you down and in 20 years your son will be doing what he has been shown a man does.

Offred · 29/12/2017 20:27

I thought I was terribly unwell with crippling anxiety too. When I left my XBF (who was a regular cannabis user too, though I didn’t know about it till a few months before I left him) I realised I don’t actually have anxiety at all.

The anxiety left me when I left him, as did my depression and I am now nearly completely weaned off the two different anti-depressant medications that I had started when I was with him and that had gradually increased over that time to the maximum doses.

Offred · 29/12/2017 20:31

Oh and despite things in my life being quite difficult; me being diagnosed with MS, DD being diagnosed with ASD and not being in school, XBF having been arrested and awaiting a charging decision, things being difficult between my mum and I AND me weaning off two separate ADs... I am probably the happiest I have ever been.

Original poster
dani1394 · 29/12/2017 20:32

My other half has actually had me at the point I’ve also been prescribed anti depressants last year, at his wish really... as he thinks I’m controlling & not normal I wouldn’t know how to describe what he thinks of me. However I did change my mind and never took them because I didn’t want him to be the reason I had to take medication. Since then I’m pleased to say I’ve done a fair bit of growing up which has opened my eyes to this point I’m at now. It’s scary what relationships can do to individuals and even more scary I am still half blinded to what my relationship is doing and that it’s obviously bad for me and not good for me like it should be.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 29/12/2017 20:39

Leave him. He is awful

Petalflowers · 29/12/2017 20:44

Maybe you would get more friends if you leave him.

Have you considered that he is the controlling one? Does he allow you,to,have friends?

I think you are beginning to wake up and realise what your relationship is actually like.

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