Am I being brainwashed/manipulated or are my expectations to high? Please help

[dani1394]

Hi all. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 6 years. We have one child together and also live together. Our relationship has had its lowest lows & highest highs. Right now I’m batteling with my emotions and don’t know if I have mental health issues or if my relationship is effecting me or I am being brainwashed perhaps. My other half smokes cannabis on a daily basis and has done since his teenage years. He isn’t lazy & im aware I can’t make him stop unless he wants to, which he doesn’t. However I recently discovered he has been taking cocaine behind my back. He thinks he should be able to take whatever he likes if he really wants to, & shouldn’t be persicuted by me, & that’s his reason for hiding it and also for lying. I’m a relatively serious woman. I enjoy a passion for bodybuilding for which he despises, he’s very insecure even about me wearing gym leggings. However if I ask questions to him about where he is, when he’s home he feels that I’m interigating him and that he can’t breathe. I don’t think he trusts me although no reason not to as such. I myself do not take drugs, I enjoy a healthy lifestyle & he is very opposite. He blames me for a lot that’s gone wrong in his life and begrudges me. Often threatening to leave me (he lives in my home) although I call it ours. He has other properties he could live in (work relating for him). He helps out with jobs around home & spends good time with our son. Do I need to lay off? Are my standards to high? I must say after the lies I don’t feel much trust towards him, but I don’t hold him against this on a daily basis like he does with my gym leggings which really is a huge deal in my daily life with him. He thinks it’s to show off to other men at the gym and really they’re just Normal gym leggings. There’s a large amount of jealously I would guess along with some insecurity which he probably wouldn’t want to admit. I love the idea of a normal life where my husband agree’s that drugs are bad and just occasional alcohol and enjoyment be enough. Everything progresses in life. I have saved enough money for a mortgage for our future home and he still hasn’t managed to do so, even though he makes a lot more money than I ever have. He has spent his money on gold jewellery, designer clothes & cannabis I suppose. He does still take us out for food as a family and the smaller things. I’m just not sure if I’m questioning myself wrongly? Or do I need to back off?

It is scary how very badly a bad relationship can affect your wellbeing.

Your husband sounds frighteningly like my ex TBH, he was always telling my I was ‘crazy’ and paranoid about me controlling him too.

I read a book recently which very much helped me, it’s directed towards people in relationships with people who have BPD/NPD but I’ve found it helpful in setting my mind onto thinking about relationships with anyone who is toxic.

It’s called ‘stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist: how to end the drama and get on with life.’

I was recommended it by someone on here and it offered me some really profound insights and also some very effective techniques.

OP - you sound smart and driven. Please ditch the weight off your back. Life will be so much better without him. I already know that you're going to LTB.

Thank you, I’m going to have a look for it online now to see if I can read online :)

What I would give to snap my fingers and it be that simple, I’m a very sensitive, attachable and emotional person, although I understand I can be strong enough to leave, I have been trying to build my own life up in order to do so over the last year, & I still haven’t felt at the point where I can... I feel like I don’t have much of a life aside from the gym & being a mom in all honesty, I would love to make new friends which I have been making an effort to do so, especially motivated ones with similar interests, & I have indeed made one, which is a start but she is not a friend I see outside of fitness or speak to about personal things. So I suppose I came here to speak to all of you lovely people who give your time to help others like you are so kindly doing. Thank you x

It’s a kind of madness really. He was the one who was controlling me. His constant paranoia about me controlling/manipulating him and me being crazy/oversensitive were actually ways he controlled me.

Dani - what stops you from leaving, do you think?

Do you realise, that because you're married, all your money is also his? And all his properties are also yours?

Does he keep drugs in the house? Perhaps someone else knows more about this than I do but I don't think Social Services would take too kindly to you allowing your DS to live a) with a drug addict and b) possibly in a house where drugs are every day. If you can't keep your DS safe from your DH's highly undesirable lifestyle, Social Services will.

I think what has and still holds me back from leaving is a slight insecurity within myself because I haven’t yet fully grown in my own world, although I have some really big things going on from January to April I will be competing on stage and being coached along side some really fantastic ladies who I can’t wait to enjoy meeting, I’m taking part in this to grow confidence and show myself I can achieve and can be stronger, I’m hoping it’s a life game changer for my long term mindset. I really am x

He doesn’t keep drugs in our home no, he also doesn’t smoke in our home, I would forbid that because of our child. I most defiantly don’t want my son to grow up like him. But I totally understand what you are exposed to is what you learn; but I will do all I can to make sure my son grows up to be a lovely man. I have a good family & I do have their support luckily although I can’t speak with them about these issues as they would be very snap decision of trying to make me leave him. They have morals, it’s where I got mine from I believe along with some of my own created over time, that’s why I’m so against it all, but yet it makes no sense I haven’t left i suppose. Something to simple turns into something so complicated and I understand only I can walk away and simplify that for myself. Seems easier said than done :(

Take a good look at yourself in the mirror, flex those big strong muscles, grit your teeth and do your best nasty bitch face. You can so do this.

You have it exactly right: "I have a good family & I do have their support luckily although I can’t speak with them about these issues as they would be very snap decision of trying to make me leave him. They have morals, it’s where I got mine from I believe along with some of my own created over time, that’s why I’m so against it all, but yet it makes no sense I haven’t left i suppose."

It makes no sense. Would your family help you? Just judging and saying what you should do is not the answer; you probably need some actual physical help and support. Please talk to your family. I know it makes it more real and scarier, but this is what family are for. I would be so sad if my daughter did not tell me what she was going through!!

You are 23, most people don’t feel like they have really fully grown into themselves until their 30s IME. You also come across as incredibly mature and competent TBH, with a clear sense of who you are and what you want out of life despite living with someone who gaslights you and tries to tear you down.

I think you are being a bit hard on yourself TBH, one of the things that happens in an abusive relationship is that your own feelings about yourself change. You start to absorb your abuser’s opinions about you and to hear their critical voice speaking to you in your head.

I’d be willing to bet he is attracted to this relationship because you are strong and competent and because, as you say, he can push you into the role of ‘mother’, allowing him to be a teenage son.

You may be willing to caretake him because of the same strength and because of the qualities you mentioned upthread; being sensitive, attachable and emotional.

Thank you so much for your advice :). Such kind words. I have researched a lot over the years about gaslighting, narcastic behaviour, other similar things also. I’ve always been aware something obviously isn’t quite right. I can’t expect normality when he doesn’t live a normal life by any means I totally get that. I had been made false promises I guess I immaturely pinned my hopes on years ago, about him changing when he was in prison and I waited, when he didn’t I was shocked... but it happened gradually so it wasn’t totally unbearable but now it’s more blown up than ever before. So that’s why I’m here & also making an effort to try and make my own life in hopes of becoming stronger. I do hope there are true decent gentlemen out there in the future to restore my faith in relationships. Would be incredible to be loved for who I am instead of feeling partially despised lol :/! X