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Original poster

I feel ignored by DP when we socialise with others.

36 replies

Wobbleheady · 29/12/2017 12:13

DP and I have just spent a few days with his family and whenever we go (maybe 3 times a year) I always feel ignored by him. For example, he’ll be off in an other room with his brothers doing tech-y stuff or doing stuff for his parents, leaving me to make conversation with whoever isn’t with them. There is no part of him that wants to include me in what they are doing, or voluntarily involve me in any way at all.

I completely understand that he wants to catch up with his brothers and I also think it’s nice that he does stuff for his mum and dad (e.g sorts out their computer etc) but it’s happened so many times that I start to wonder whether he cares if I’m there or not.

Reading this back it might come across that I am clingy which is why I am putting it out there for feedback. I don’t expect him to sit with me all the time but I feel that what he does is an extreme opposite of that.

It’s a general feeling that he really doesn’t seem to care if I’m there or not. He doesn’t even really try to include me in conversations or see if I need a drink, etc (he’ll just sort himself out). I don’t even feel like I’m his girlfriend when we’re there - I feel like a random person invited along for the trip.

I’ve noticed it when we’re with my family and also mutual friends, although to a lesser extent. He’ll talk independently with others and almost not seem to want to engage with me at all. It then feels like hard work to include myself.

When it’s just the two of us, it’s fine. We’ve been together for 5 years. Any ideas why he’s like this?

OP posts:
Comekittykitty · 29/12/2017 12:17

Does he know how you feel about this?

nousername123 · 29/12/2017 12:19

Does he go out often without you? Or do you go together to every event etc? Myself and my partner go to most events and social gatherings together and while I can see where you're coming from, maybe he just genuinely wants to catch up with friends and family etc. If you get his attention most of the time when you're at home then I don't see the problem. I understand how you feel though but maybe you're being a bit needy? I'm quite needy and have felt like this several times but in reality my partner gives me his full attention most of the time x

LackinginChristmascheer · 29/12/2017 12:20

Part of me wants to say that a lot of men are just like this without wanting to make a sweeping generalisation. I've certainly experienced it.

Also, when people go back home or are with their family they can regress a little.

Are you shy/introverted? Are you trying to join in?

He probably doesn't realise you feel this way if you haven't told him.

nousername123 · 29/12/2017 12:20

I also think that if this is just the way he is then don't worry about him when you both go out. Socialise and make an effort with other people like he's doing and you'll concentrate more on having a good time than on what he's doing x

Original poster
Wobbleheady · 29/12/2017 12:28

I haven't told him and I think if I did, that his reaction would be: Hmm

I went to an wedding celebration with him once not long after we started going out (he knew quite a few people there while I didn't really know them) and I barely saw him at all. I even considered going home without him as I don't think he would've noticed.

I would say I probably am a bit shy in big groups but I also make a real effort to be friendly and get on with people.

I've not had a serious relationship before so I've nothing to compare it with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wobbleheady · 29/12/2017 12:33

We both socialise independently as well as together as a couple.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 29/12/2017 12:36

My ex H was like this. He told me after we split that he wasn’t bothered if I was there or not and to be quite honest my being there often spoiled his fun. He also told me that he played down our relationship to people as he didn’t want them to take us seriously because then he would look like a prick for being on the pull when out alone with them. It was the most honest he ever was with me I think.

Shoxfordian · 29/12/2017 12:37

I don't think he's doing anything wrong; you shouldn't need to be glued to each other at social events. If you engage more with people you're with then you may not notice he's not there

Butterymuffin · 29/12/2017 12:42

He doesn't behave as if the two of you are a team when others are around. I get it. The not getting you a drink thing - I assume you do this for him when at your parents etc? But he doesn't do the same?

Where are you in terms of living together, marriage, children, general discussions of the future?

I would say for the next trip to his parents that you say you'll do something else instead. Go out with friends or visit someone else. See how he reacts.

Dappledsunlight · 29/12/2017 12:47

I think it shows low emotional intelligence on the part of your DP. The thing is, it IS bothering you so you have to decide to:

  1. Accept his behaviour in such social situations and find ways to deal with it, ie talk to others or don't go sometimes.
  2. Talk to him about it openly and discuss your expectations about behaviour towards each other in social situations. He may think you're OK with it, which plainly is far from true.
I speak from experience in my relationship where I felt I am "dumped" the moment we get to the ILS. Dh goes off to almost act like he's the "son" again & I'm ignored. Part of me also feels it's an unconscious passive aggressive way of being nasty towards me as he knows we can't argue with parents around. It's not ideal for you, OP, but I'd nip this in the bud now and communicate your hurt over this.
Yoshimihere · 29/12/2017 12:48

OP my ex used to be like that and I thought I was being needy. But he was actually really rude.

How would you behave if you went out with your friends? I imagine you wouldn't completely ignore him.

If ex and I went out with my friends or work colleagues I would make sure I introduced him to people I knew to be welcoming/chatty. I'd check in make sure he wasn't left alone. It wasn't hard work because both of us were quite competent and able to socialise. He didn't ever do the same, or rarely. It was clear that I was to fend for myself.

I saw other couples chatting separately and enjoying each others company. I always felt like the last person DH wanted to spend time with.

If I was you I'd talk directly to him about how it makes you feel. I don't think your feelings are unreasonable.

Original poster
Wobbleheady · 29/12/2017 12:50

I really don't want to be glued to him all the time, and I also want to talk to and get to know new people. It's just the extremeness of how little engagement he has with me when we're in those situations.

Buttery - yes indeed I have an eye out to make sure he has a drink, ask if he's hungry etc. I think it's a courtesy thing that you look out for the other one when they are on the in-laws territory as it's not as easy for them to just help themselves to stuff. Although to be fair I have started to do this now.

Thanks for the advice. I think I will have to bring it up with him.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 29/12/2017 12:58

Any ideas why he’s like this?
It's because he is an inconsiderate person. Or low social awareness, or however you want to put it. I had one like this for 20 years. I always felt bad about questioning him, as "he didn't mean it" so it was just me reading something nasty into it. He went off and treated himself to an affair, displaying the same lack of consideration as always. Now I have a boyfriend who is considerate, always checking I am OK with stuff, making sure I am not feeling out of place at parties just in case. It is lovely. When I meet my ex now, he is just the same. Now the kids are older they have started to realise it of their own accord. It's just the way he is, alas.

Comekittykitty · 29/12/2017 13:00

What Dappled said 🔝

Personally this wouldn’t bother me as I wouldn’t like to be glued to the hip as a couple but I can see it makes you feel unhappy. You’ll need to decide how to deal with it.

ravenmum · 29/12/2017 13:07

Personally this wouldn’t bother me as I wouldn’t like to be glued to the hip as a couple
I don't like that either; when I'm at a party with my new bf's friends, for example, I always start conversations with people I don't know, as that is kind of what parties are for, right? But just the fact that he acknowledges that this might be hard work, and that he is a bit responsible for me in this situation (as I would be for him if it was reversed) makes a huge difference.

Yoshimihere · 29/12/2017 13:15

I don't think it's about wanting to he glued to someone's side at all. I think it's shockingly poor social skills to take your partner out with your friends and ignore them. And not terribly caring.

Original poster
Wobbleheady · 29/12/2017 13:20

My gut instinct is that he should care more if I am ok. There are other instances where he shows lack of care - e.g. if I'm ill. Fortunately that's not too often.

OP posts:
acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 29/12/2017 13:31

I completely understand where you're coming from! My DP can be the same. We've been at a family party before where he went straight the bar as soon as we got there and had bought himself two beers before asking me if I'd like a drink. To make matters worse he made his way home without me, thinking I was getting a lift with another family member! I ended up managing to catch a lift with his Aunt!

We also went out in the summer to his work friends birthday party (I didn't know anyone there) he went ealier in the evening and when I turned up he didn't give me a kiss on the check or introduce me to amy of the group he was talking to and made no effort to join me in with the conversation!

So I can totally understand why you are feeling this way!

TheNaze73 · 29/12/2017 13:37

Personally this wouldn’t bother me as I wouldn’t like to be glued to the hip as a couple

Absolutely spot on. Can’t think of anything worse in a relationship

SandyY2K · 29/12/2017 13:37

How loving is he at other times?

I would be tempted not to go with him the next time he visits them.

Use that time to see your own friends and family.

Also consider if this is a man you want to be with forever.... these bad traits only get worse as time goes by.

Original poster
Wobbleheady · 29/12/2017 13:46

I don't think it's a long-term solution not to go and would only drive a wedge with me and his family. They would wonder why I was being so anti-social.

He has moments of being loving and can be very thoughtful at certain times such as buying considerate gifts etc. If I'm honest in many ways we live fairly independent lives. He is quite single-minded and very much does what he wants to do. I am not sure how easy it'll be to bring this up and I feel that he will be quite defensive about it.

OP posts:
Comekittykitty · 29/12/2017 13:53

If you must bring it up then so would start the conversation from your point of view: ie “darling, did I ever tell you that sometimes I can be quite shy at social gatherings and it would mean so much to me if you could check in with me or make sure I’m okay..as I can sometimes feel a bit lost” rather than saying “You leave me alone all the time and never bother to look after me”.

HTH

Olgivy · 29/12/2017 13:56

To be honest the fact he is inconsiderate to you when you are ill, says it all.

Your gut instinct is talking to you, listen to it.

He is an inconsiderate kind of man and it doesn't work for you.

Original poster
Wobbleheady · 29/12/2017 13:57

kitty - yes good point. My worry is that I will come across as overly clingy and demanding of attention. Not exactly an attractive quality.

OP posts:
Olgivy · 29/12/2017 13:59

You don't come across needy, you come across as someone who is thoughtful and is caring. Something he is not.