I feel ignored by DP when we socialise with others.

[Wobbleheady]

DP and I have just spent a few days with his family and whenever we go (maybe 3 times a year) I always feel ignored by him. For example, he’ll be off in an other room with his brothers doing tech-y stuff or doing stuff for his parents, leaving me to make conversation with whoever isn’t with them. There is no part of him that wants to include me in what they are doing, or voluntarily involve me in any way at all.

I completely understand that he wants to catch up with his brothers and I also think it’s nice that he does stuff for his mum and dad (e.g sorts out their computer etc) but it’s happened so many times that I start to wonder whether he cares if I’m there or not.

Reading this back it might come across that I am clingy which is why I am putting it out there for feedback. I don’t expect him to sit with me all the time but I feel that what he does is an extreme opposite of that.

It’s a general feeling that he really doesn’t seem to care if I’m there or not. He doesn’t even really try to include me in conversations or see if I need a drink, etc (he’ll just sort himself out). I don’t even feel like I’m his girlfriend when we’re there - I feel like a random person invited along for the trip.

I’ve noticed it when we’re with my family and also mutual friends, although to a lesser extent. He’ll talk independently with others and almost not seem to want to engage with me at all. It then feels like hard work to include myself.

When it’s just the two of us, it’s fine. We’ve been together for 5 years. Any ideas why he’s like this?

You need to be an adult, socialise on your own for gods sake... How do you cope when you're not with him, or do you just never leave his side!

If I'm perfectly honest he sounds like he's not that into you. You can't really make people care more than they do.

I sympathise OP. I have to stop myself getting ratty whenever my DP does this. While I know he wants to catch up with his family/friends, I find it inconsiderate. He once had to do some work so left me sitting alone with his parents for an entire lunch while he sat in another room on his laptop, it left me wondering why he'd agreed to go in the first place. I always try to include him when he comes to mine. Personally I would say before you go that you're not going if he behaves like that, and explain how it makes you feel. I agree it's tricky though and easier said than done!

Nice response there nutnerk, real helpful.

Op, someone who cares about you cares about whether you have a drink, are warm enough etc. He seems to leave his social skills at home. Whilst he clearly wants to spend time with his family, he could at least check you are okay.

I think you are having doubts about your relationship and ignoring you and leaving you feeling uncomfortable both with his family and in other social situations is a red flag to me.

You have been together five years and he does not seem very caring nor considerate. I think there are wider issues here and I think you may want to think about your future.

My dh is crap at introducing me particularly to work colleagues. This used to annoy me when it was the female ones as I felt ignored and disrespected- I then started to notice he was like it with others and it was just my insecurities. Perhaps it's just him and he wants to make the most of seeing his family? Take a book or read mumsnet and just chill

It sounds like you are just socially incompatible. Me and DH are both like this. We will flit off and talk to friends or family throughout a night out. Having said that we are both aware that the other will be fine chatting to someone else while we are gone. It doesn't sound like you are comfortable doing this so he needs to recognise that. Have you really not spoken of this in the 5 years you have been together?

Maybe we are incompatible and maybe I need more from a relationship.

I've not spoken to him before because 1. it's something that has built up over time and I suppose I didn't think it would happen every time; 2. saying how I feel might make me come across as a clingy weirdo who isn't very confident (and if I am honest, I am not very good at raising issues); 3. as others have said - he's not done anything wrong. He's not off chatting other women up or anything like that. He just detaches and doesn't look back. The end result is that I feel like I am completely single and there on my own. I don't mind that when I socialise on my own with my friends but I kind of resent it when I socialise with him.

I don't want a lot from him, I don't want him to talk to me all night or not let me go and talk to others; I would just like to feel I am there with my boyfriend.

To be honest the fact he is inconsiderate to you when you are ill, says it all.

Your gut instinct is talking to you, listen to it.

He is an inconsiderate kind of man and it doesn't work for you.

This.

And after five years, you shouldn't have to worry about being needy or clingy. Is this the relationship you really want? Do you want children? Because he sounds like he would be frustrating to parent with, as he'd always expect to just be able to go off and do his own thing.

Yes I would like a family. He would prefer not to have children but has said he would be ok with one.

I need to have a think about it all.

Thank you all for your comments.

DH has a large extended family. I'm happy chatting to them all at parties but he does check in on me, especially if I'm momentarily alone. If he completely ignored me, I wouldn't like it.

The lack of care when you're ill and only getting a drink for himself are red flags. This is not a man to have children with. Especially if you raise this and he doesn't change.

He isn't behaving like a best mate, is he? He's not in a team with you.

Personally I wouldn't have a child with someone like that. I wouldn't go to visit his family if he's ignoring you. I'd look for someone who's more similar.