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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Immature DH

33 replies

doreen2 · 29/12/2017 08:28

My DH is very immature emotionally. He blames me regularly for things he does or doesn't do. When I try to explain that blaming is not ok, he keeps blaming me that he is blaming me. It is a no win situation. I don't know what to do to change things around. When we try to have a conversation about our relationship he tends to yell at me and is very defensive. It is really intimidating. What can be solved quite easily becomes an argument and I am again to be blamed. This situations is making me so unhappy because the more I try to make it better the worst it gets. When I try to put my foot down he is not having any of it. It is really difficult for me. When we are ok he is nice and pleasant, but even then he is very self-centred and it is all about him. Very boring for me as I feel more like a supportive mother than a loved wife. We have never been on a holiday together and he only takes me out to the pub. Any tips or advise? Thank you.

OP posts:

ClareB83 · 29/12/2017 08:30

Don't have kids. Get therapy.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 29/12/2017 08:48

Advice? He’s a loser and you can do better. Leave him.

Paperdoll16 · 29/12/2017 09:01

Do you have a choice in anything? It sounds like it's his way or he throws his dummy out of the pram?

We have never been on a holiday together and he only takes me out to the pub

Interesting wording there- you sound like a kept woman and as if even your mindset is about what he wants. Can you not suggest a date night and a meal somewhere or go to the cinema? If he isn't interested in a holiday (as I'm guessing you have suggested it?) then go on a girly one!

Els1e · 29/12/2017 09:01

Sounds completely draining. If he is not understanding or hearing you when you say you want an adult relationship, not parent / child, what about trying couples therapy with a professional helping communication. Good luck

Ellisandra · 29/12/2017 09:04

So, you made a mistake marrying him. That's what divorce is for. Let him blame you for that too.

Also find your wording about being taken to the pub a bit... passive?

53rdWay · 29/12/2017 09:05

I don't know what to do to change things around.

You can’t. Not on your own. He could, but he doesn’t want to.

Have a very, very serious think about whether you want the rest of your life to be like this.

PaintingByNumbers · 29/12/2017 09:07

What's the point? Just leave.

Shoxfordian · 29/12/2017 09:11

Did he just start acting like this when you got married or has he always been this way? Why did you marry him?

TheVanguardSix · 29/12/2017 09:13

The thing about people who don't accept responsibility for their actions is that a)they never will and b)you will foot the bill for their shitty behaviour.

Your DH isn't going to change. He is who he is. Unless you want to stick around for the epiphany that will never happen, I'd make plans to start a new life without him. You could stay and hang onto the nice bits but over time, your resentment will suffocate you.

SendintheArdwolves · 29/12/2017 09:32

I'm sorry to be blunt, but you have two choices: a) accept he will never change, cut your losses and end the relationship, or b) accept he will never change and buckle down for a lifetime of this.

Sadly, there is no "say the secret magic words and he will suddenly see where he's going wrong and change to become a better partner" option.

He has no interest in changing. He is happy with how things are, and doesn't really care that it's making you unhappy. I know that sounds harsh, but you really have to let go of the big lie, ie:

"If I could only get him to understand how this makes me feel, then he would treat me better."

People have wasted hours, years and lifetimes labouring under the misapprehension that their abusive, inadequate or otherwise substandard partners just needs to have it EXPLAINED to them and they will then finally see the light and be filled with remorse. That's not how it works.

He sounds like an unpleasant piece of work. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you're about to tell me that he has many good qualities, when he's in a good mood you have good times, he can be be caring, etc. But it sounds like it's getting worse not better and my bet is that's the way it's going to stay.

Fishface77 · 29/12/2017 09:36

He won't change gt out while you can.

Wolfiefan · 29/12/2017 09:37

Why on earth did you marry him?
I agree. He doesn't see an issue so separate or prepare to put up with this for the rest of your life.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 29/12/2017 09:44

But note that he will get worse if you have kids. They always do.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2017 10:04

That's not immature.
That's abuse.
He's messing with your head.
NOTHING you do will be enough.
He will ALWAYS move the goal posts.
If there are no kids yet then it's time get out and find yourself some happiness.
Why are you putting up with this?
What did you learn about relationships in your childhood.
This is NOT OK and it's NOT normal.
Please read Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that?
You'll find your H in there!

Original poster

doreen2 · 29/12/2017 10:34

Thanks for all your supportive messages. I am still with him because I don't have a well-paid job but I am looking for something better. He changed after the marriage, actually during the honeymoon, and I knew I made a mistake. Most of the time, I suggest going out and he does agree, but he nearly never asks me out. It is a one sided relationship in many ways. Also when we have conversations about the relationship he takes a very long time to respond as if he is dissociated, or has not much to say at all. It is really odd. In relation to early childhood experiences of relationships, my parents are married for over 40 years with a outspoken mother and a sweet dad (he is really romantic with my mum tbf).

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 29/12/2017 10:37

How long have you been married?
How were you coping financially before marriage?

I don't think that many married couples ask each other out, as such. Just suggest things.

It doesn't sound like either of you want this marriage, so you're wise to make practical plans to leave it.

happypoobum · 29/12/2017 10:38

He sounds quite drippy.

Do you have any friends you could go on holiday with if he doesn't want to go? Similar with other social outings? If he only wants to go to the pub and won't venture further afield, but you want to, what is stopping you?

I know a couple who live quite happily like this.

However, what is more alarming is all this "blaming you" behaviour. If you can't see that changing maybe you should think about getting your ducks in a row and getting out.

Agree with PP - don't have DC with him.

ravenmum · 29/12/2017 10:57

when we have conversations about the relationship he takes a very long time to respond as if he is dissociated, or has not much to say at all
Is that another blaming behaviour - does he disapprove of you discussing the relationship because he sees discussion as criticism, and thinks you are being argumentative?

Would he be disappointed if you suggested divorce?

Original poster

doreen2 · 29/12/2017 11:36

Thanks again. He wants to stay together and I also want to stay together. I might give him some time to make changes and then to take it from there. The blaming behaviour is probably the absolute worst. It is so mean and creates more more problems. This morning I also googled some articles on 'immature partners' and all descriptions fit 100%. I forwarded the articles to my DH and he needs to read them to get a grip.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 29/12/2017 11:39

Hm, yes, I forwarded stuff to my exh. As you can see, it didn't work a treat.

Take actual serious action, e.g. counselling or evening classes or whatever is available, and don't bring new people into the world until you feel sure that they will have a good life with you.

daisychain01 · 29/12/2017 11:48

How long had you been together before getting married? Did he literally have a personality transplant? It sounds exhausting tbh and he sounds unwilling to be in any way selfaware which does t bode well.

SendintheArdwolves · 29/12/2017 12:00

I forwarded the articles to my DH and he needs to read them to get a grip

You're still hoping that if you can just make him SEE what he's doing, then he'll magically "get it" and change his behaviour.

He won't. He might glance at the articles, or say he's read them, but he fundamentally doesn't think there's anything wrong with him being the way he is.

The way he is now works really well for him. It makes his life easier. You run around, doing all the emotional work and trying to make him happy and suggesting fun things to do together and (I'll bet) feeding him and cleaning the house and doing the dishes and keeping his life running smoothly. Every so often, you get uppity and he has to put you back in your place, but hey ho, it always goes back to the way it was, so why on earth should he change it?

This is what he thinks a wife does. You think that you can show him a few online articles and he'll suddenly up-end his comfortable life and start seeing you as a person and pulling his weight? He isn't going to.

One day, you'll get so angry and disappointed that you'll leave. Then he'll snap to attention, read the articles, suddenly "get it" and play the perfect husband until you come back. Then he'll revert to his old ways and the cycle starts again.

I'm sorry to sound so negative, and I understand that you have to try everything you can before you throw in the towel. But while you're trying to make him change and dragging him to counselling and trying to make him read articles, please, please:

Don't have kids with him
Get your finances/career in good shape so you can leave if you need to
Maintain a good support network of friends/family
Did I say don't have kids with him? Really don't. It will make everything a million times harder.

Best of luck, OP. You are worth a lot more than this.

NotTheFordType · 29/12/2017 12:01

If you're sending him links then try this one:

I wouldn't hold your breath for him to have a lightbulb moment though.

ravenmum · 29/12/2017 12:02

Yes, the lack of self-awareness makes it all quite hopeless, doesn't it? How can he ever develop as a partner or human being if he is too proud or stupid to consider that he might need to change anything?

Original poster

doreen2 · 30/12/2017 12:58

Thanks again for all the helpful messages. The youtube video is fab. Today I tried to speak with my DH about the video and websites in immature partners. As we were speaking he blamed his colleague for blaming others himself (including me), he could not let me speak, he found lots of excuses and blamed me for not seeking counselling. He also ticked all other immature characteristics, e.g. impulsive behaviour, not thinking of consequences, playing the victim, yelling (emotional escalation), lies, defensiveness and attention seeking. I gave him three months to show he changed or I am gone. The book 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft looks really good and I will read it. Overall I don't think my DH will change but I see it as a growth opportunity for myself. We don't have child together but a DSS (17) who is not helping the situation. Essentially I had enough and not shy to speak my mind to him. Thanks for all your support!!!!

OP posts:

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