Immature DH

[doreen2]

My DH is very immature emotionally. He blames me regularly for things he does or doesn't do. When I try to explain that blaming is not ok, he keeps blaming me that he is blaming me. It is a no win situation. I don't know what to do to change things around. When we try to have a conversation about our relationship he tends to yell at me and is very defensive. It is really intimidating. What can be solved quite easily becomes an argument and I am again to be blamed. This situations is making me so unhappy because the more I try to make it better the worst it gets. When I try to put my foot down he is not having any of it. It is really difficult for me. When we are ok he is nice and pleasant, but even then he is very self-centred and it is all about him. Very boring for me as I feel more like a supportive mother than a loved wife. We have never been on a holiday together and he only takes me out to the pub. Any tips or advise? Thank you.

My DH just also mentioned mentioned that the website gave some tips to change. The first few tips are to focus on the mature aspects of the partner. My DH construed this that I should change by shifting perspective to focus on his good sides and this would be enough to improve the situation. Unbelievable! As I would want to give him credit for this abusive behaviour by focussing on what is good about him. On a daily basis, constant blaming, this is not doable. I will even send an email to the author of the stupid article and that I does more harm and good in regards to abusive partners. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201603/can-you-spot-10-signs-childish-adult

"One strategy therefore if you love someone who has childish sides is to focus primarily on the more adult and attractive aspects of the person. If you are the childlike one, love your strengths—and pay attention to growing in your less mature habit areas.

Another strategy is to cease being surprised when the childish patterns emerge. Thinking "I can't believe that s/he/I did that!" signifies that you have not yet accepted the reality of the child-like behaviors. Accepting that the behaviors do occur is a first and vital step toward change.

Third, if you are the receiver of childish behaviors, beware of trying to change the other person. Instead, figure out what you can do differently so those patterns will no longer be problematic for you. Your job is to keep growing yourself, not to change others."

He sounds infuriating, OP, and yes, sounds like he has no desire at all to alter his behaviour. Giving yourself three months to get your ducks in a row (look into housing options, have a big clear out of your stuff preparatory to packing under the guise of "New Year spring clean", get copies of all financial paperwork, find a divorce lawyer you click with, etc.) then you will be ready to start your new life.

figure out what you can do differently so those patterns will no longer be problematic for you. Your job is to keep growing yourself, not to change others

In a way, I agree with this. You aren't going to be able to change him, OP, so grow yourself - into a single lady without this abusive, blaming manchild swinging on your neck.

Those last two paragraphs are true!

He is who he is, don't act all surprised when he behaves in his usual childish manner.

You can't cure him of being abusive, you have to accept that he is and move yourself out of harms way, i.e. end the marriage.

You know he won't change so why not get yourself to the solicitors and get all your ducks in a row ready for the inevitable.

By the way, I find it incredibly rude for you to send him articles and videos assassinating his character. He has no issue with his own character.

It's you that wishes he had a different personality not him.

I bet he wishes you were a surrendered wife type who would do everything and complain about nothing.

Would it be OK for him to try to send you on a course on how to be surrendered? Send you helpful articles from the internet? Ask around about how to convince you to be more surrendered?

Stop trying to "improve" him into being a different person. He is clearly entirely happy as he is. If he were at all bothered he could have easily found and accessed all kinds of help. He hasn't because he's comfortable being as he is.

Hi OP
It's frightening the amount of people who change for the worse after marriage and my heart goes to you.
You know in your heart that its time to break the chain on the marriage,you don't need him,you don't need the constant struggle to maintain a non relationship.
I hope you can find the strength to go.remember you are not alone.
🌼🌼💜

Maybe next time read the articles before you send them, just to make sure you agree with them 🙄. You’re wrong about the quoted paragraphs though, it’s absolutely not within your power to change someone, you can only change how you respond to them. I agree with the op that your choice boils down to leaving or putting up with this nonsense.

And I think sending your oh links that say he’s immature is rude and unproductive- he’s never going to agree with you

Why do you want to stay with him?

I also agree with the idea that nobody should change someone else. But in any relationship it should be ideally possible to make some changes and to be open about it. Thanks again for all support. This has been very difficult for me and I am looking towards a better future.