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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Live.me and DH

44 replies

LadyMaryBoleyn · 28/12/2017 21:01

So, I randomly saw the live.me and younow apps on DHs phone (he asked me to send a text whilst he was driving) and being a curious nosy sort of person I had a quick look.

He has the apps on a new iPhone page so that it looks as if the apps end the page before but if you continue swiping it opens a new page with just those on so he is definitely hiding them.

From what I could see he was following a whole load of accounts with names like "Sexylicious" etc.

Last night I grabbed five minutes whilst he was upstairs and snooped. I found a history tab and he's on there regularly. By regularly, I mean he'd taken the opportunity whilst I went to make a cup of tea half an hour previously!

I don't know what to do. I couldn't see evidence of him communicating with these people and I don't actually know what he's watching (I can guess though, I don't think Ms Sexylicious is live-streaming a knitting tutorial).

I guess I have to decide if him looking at cam girls is acceptable to me.

I think he suspects I know as well as before bed he was clearing out the open apps but and he went a bit pale and then kept asking me if I was ok. I haven't let on I know yet.

Any advice? Does anyone know of a way to gain access to the accounts from my phone so I can see what he's doing? I think he's logged on the apps using Facebook so I can't just open his accounts via an app on my phone.

Gah. Just GAH. I've read so many times about husbands using these sites and always smugly assumes mine wouldn't.

Fuckbuggerarsepants.

OP posts:
GertieMotherwell · 28/12/2017 21:07

He will know you’ve seen them if you’ve left the page open. I suspect he is careful about closing them.

Is it an iPhone

GertieMotherwell · 28/12/2017 21:08

Sorry - I see you say it is.

If you get hold of it. Go into settings, battery useage. It will let you know what apps he’s been on in the last 24hrs or 7 days.

Original poster
LadyMaryBoleyn · 28/12/2017 21:12

Ok, I'll try that. I know all his passwords and the pin for his phone (he's a technophobe so asked me to set it all up) so it'll be interesting to see if his pin changes.

I'm just going to carry on as normal for now, see how he acts - I'm certain he knows I've seen it. The other hing he was doing last night was odd, I was sat on the sofa arm behind him and he kept half flicking his finger across the screen so it half jumped to the next page then quickly taking his finger off. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
GertieMotherwell · 28/12/2017 21:15

If you can get into his phone before he change s the pin you can add your fingerprint

Original poster
LadyMaryBoleyn · 28/12/2017 21:18

He doesn't use fingerprint, only pin, won't putting a print in override the default pin option?

OP posts:
esk1mo · 28/12/2017 21:19

honestly, i think this type of thing often escalates. soon the cam wont be enough, just like pre-recorded porn wasnt enough and he moved on to cams.

i truly believe this is what leads men on to using prostitutes and escorts. they rationalize in their heads as just another service they are paying for, and that it isnt real life.

id probably confront him, after checking the usage in battery settings. ask him what they are, why he has them. he will say he never uses them, downloaded for a joke etc. you can then say “i know you spend X amount of time on them” after he says he “never uses” them.

i guess it depends on his level of “addiction” to these things and if he is willing to seek help to quit. but do you want to spend your life checking his phone periodically, to see if he has redownloaded?

Josuk · 28/12/2017 21:21

OP - take a breath. And talk to your husband.

There is no point trying to access his accounts. What are you hoping to find out - what sort of women he prefers to watch?
These sights are free - so it’s probably not as interactive as the paid webcam girls. And, possibly, not as Xrated.
(I might be wrong there)

But the main point is - you need to start talking to him to see what’s going on.
I don’t know what your agreement is about porn. But that may have something to do with it. In his mind it may be another version of porn.

Good luck

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 28/12/2017 22:30

See below to bypass passcode.

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/entertainment/news/amp41783/how-to-hack-iphone-without-passcode/

Original poster
LadyMaryBoleyn · 29/12/2017 09:38

So, we talked and:

He says it was entirely innocent, he only ever watched live streams of things like going to the gym or walking the dog. However he has deleted the apps and his accounts entirely, he did so after he realised I had seen so I have no proof it was innocent, or not for that matter. My gut instinct is it wasn't (Sexylicious remember).

I've explained how it made me feel and he has promised he meant no harm. I guess I'm going to have to ive him the benefit of the doubt. This time. It's definitely given me the incentive to get my fuck-off-bag ready though.

OP posts:
Josuk · 29/12/2017 10:18

OP - these sort of posts leave me confused often.

You know, and we all know that your H was watching some sexy girls streaming. Maybe that Sexylicious was walking the dog in her bikini.
(Or not - and one can easily check this out if one cares to find out).

But instead of just admitting it and realising that that’s what people sometimes do - (and will do again, just for some thrills, out of boredom, etc.) - and that it really isn’t meant to cause harm - you are going to pretend it wasn’t what it was?

And H is going to believe that he got out of it by telling you what you wanted to hear...

I just don’t get it.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2017 10:22

going to the gym or walking the dog
Hahahahahahaha!
Yeah right?!
Wow he really does think all women are stupid doesn't he?

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2017 10:27

He watches live streams of a woman called sexylicous going to the gym or walking her dog? Confused

And ehrm you believe him?

ravenmum · 29/12/2017 11:02

What would be innocent about live streaming images of a sex girl at the gym or walking about? Or does he think it is "innocent" to sit in the street ogling passing women's behinds too?

lollipop7 · 29/12/2017 11:06

And you believe him?

Fitbitironic · 29/12/2017 11:20

Op, give him the opportunity to come completely clean with you. Then open another account, look for sexylicious, and look at the kind of thing she posts. I'm betting there's some kind of description and tasters, maybe a gallery. You may even be able to reactivate his account. I believe the reaction you get, and the extent of his admission and honesty is a very strong marker as to how he behaves in the future. You've explicitly told him how this made you feel and even if he says he won't do it again he obviously suspected you wouldn't be happy with it while he was doing it, hence hiding and subsequently deleting it.
I don't think you can give him a lame 'i don't like it' and rely on him not to do similar again later down the line (when he thinks you've forgotten about it, or decides it's actually not that bad). Speaking from experience.

Original poster
LadyMaryBoleyn · 29/12/2017 11:45

Of course I don't fucking believe him. I'm not a complete idiot.

I'm considering, very carefully, if I believe this to be enough to light a fire under my marriage and my children's lives.

I believe he won't do it again. I believe he was genuinely scared shitless last night. However I also understand that 3 weeks ago I didn't believe he would ever do this so my beliefs are worth jack shit.

And if he does even give me a sniff of doubt again then I know what I'll be doing.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 29/12/2017 11:46

I suspect OP part of the fury is because you thought you were married to one person, who turns out to be not quite what you thought, it’s not a nice feeling at all. I think you have to put it in perspective, yes it’s crap but would you feel the same way if he watched porn secretly 4 or 5 times a week? If the answer is yes then he is acting bang out of order to your boundaries, if he does watch porn and you know about it, he probably doesn’t see any difference ,

Original poster
LadyMaryBoleyn · 29/12/2017 11:47

Thank you @Fitbitironic, good advice, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyMaryBoleyn · 29/12/2017 11:50

That's exactly it, @yetmorecrap, I'm trying to decide if him watching it is upsetting me or if the dealbreaker is him requesting it.

OP posts:
esk1mo · 29/12/2017 11:50

definitely make an account and follow those names.

didnt you mention who he followed to him?

esk1mo · 29/12/2017 11:52

also if it were innocent, why were the apps hidden?

Tinselistacky · 29/12/2017 11:52

Fair play to you op. My dh would have been out the door.

NapQueen · 29/12/2017 11:53

If I were you I would ask today for access to his phone and look at everything. Emails whatsapps messages etc. If he has a separate bank account look at that. He should be willing to prove to you that this is nothing.

lollipop7 · 29/12/2017 12:00

@LadyMaryBoleyn it was a loaded question. Sorry for being a tad facetious at such a strange and disconcerting time for you.

I hope it was a stupid one off and he values you all enough to not fuck up again. If not then you seem fairly sure of the course of action.

I have to say if it were me it would just gnaw away at me now and I’d sporadically explode.. which would be the end for me.

Sorry this happened to you

yetmorecrap · 29/12/2017 12:01

Sent you a PM xxx

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