Live.me and DH

[LadyMaryBoleyn]

So, I randomly saw the live.me and younow apps on DHs phone (he asked me to send a text whilst he was driving) and being a curious nosy sort of person I had a quick look.

He has the apps on a new iPhone page so that it looks as if the apps end the page before but if you continue swiping it opens a new page with just those on so he is definitely hiding them.

From what I could see he was following a whole load of accounts with names like "Sexylicious" etc.

Last night I grabbed five minutes whilst he was upstairs and snooped. I found a history tab and he's on there regularly. By regularly, I mean he'd taken the opportunity whilst I went to make a cup of tea half an hour previously!

I don't know what to do. I couldn't see evidence of him communicating with these people and I don't actually know what he's watching (I can guess though, I don't think Ms Sexylicious is live-streaming a knitting tutorial).

I guess I have to decide if him looking at cam girls is acceptable to me.

I think he suspects I know as well as before bed he was clearing out the open apps but and he went a bit pale and then kept asking me if I was ok. I haven't let on I know yet.

Any advice? Does anyone know of a way to gain access to the accounts from my phone so I can see what he's doing? I think he's logged on the apps using Facebook so I can't just open his accounts via an app on my phone.

Gah. Just GAH. I've read so many times about husbands using these sites and always smugly assumes mine wouldn't.

Fuckbuggerarsepants.

Younow could be innocent, i follow a lot of youtubers, who use those sites. For talking to fans and stuff. It could be. I have younow on my phone to watch live streams of people playin the sims. Sad but true. But if he's deleted them. then that's all you need to know. He got spooked and deleted them so it wasn't innocent. Want me to check it out?

Erm, what are you offering to check out exactly, clary?

OP - I still get back to - why can’t you talk about it all openly with him?
Why would you make him think that you are the woman who believes ‘watching the dog walking’ story?

In your mind - does watching porn (of any sort, hard core, or this ‘streaming’ teasing kind) - does that mean immediate divorce?
Have you ever talked about it with H and does he know what you think on this subject?

How is your relationship with H otherwise? Has there been any changes in the intimacy and affection?

As to not ‘doing this again’ - well. He will not get caught again, if he is smart. That’s the only thing we know for sure.

@Josuk - I didn't post the whole conversation as it was hours long. I haven't let him know I believe him. I've told him that without any proof I'll have to give him the benefit of the doubt. For now. I've told him what would have happened had I the proof and I've told him that I don't think his story holds water and to consider it with the roles reversed - would he believe me?

If what he was doing was really what he says then (1) why be so secretive (2) why delete the app (3) why say he wont do it again?

My dh watches you tube videos of bushcrafters and lone campers doing instruction videos. It is every bit as naff and dull as it sounds. But its interesting to him and helps him sleep. He doesnt hide that he watches these because why would he?

Besides being an odd choice of past time, why would your dh hide the fact that he watches dog walking videos?

Because thats not what he watches.

Th younow profile so op can know.

Ok everyone - I'm not sure if I'm not being understood here. I don't believe him. He knows I don't believe him. However I have no proof of any wrongdoing and as such I am biding my time. Getting my ducks in a row as Mumsnet likes to advise. I'm cross at myself for not covering my tracks and allowing him to realise I knew.

I'm ditching this name change now and as such probably won't be back to the thread. Thank you all for your advice

ClaryFray. Short of giving you his username (which I'm not going to) I don't see how you could help - so thank you but no thanks.

Thank you all for assuring me I'm not being paranoid.

I know that feeling of it being bloody obvious that both of you know what is going on, but you can't prove it. Not a nice feeling. I had it with my ex, and did what you are doing, then felt a real mug when I did get evidence that my suspicions were just the tip of the iceberg :( But good that you are now warned.

I would imagine that few couples have actually spoken about whether porn would lead to divorce. It would feel like you were controlling their behaviour, saying that a certain thing was not allowed, whereas most people hope and believe that their partner is simply on the same page as them, e.g. not wanting to support an exploitative sex industry, not wanting to objectify women, that sort of thing, as a matter of principle. You think you know each other well enough not to have to tell them e.g. that porn viewing would make you reassess the relationship.

I don't really understand why you're leaving the thread.

And you do have proof, you know the cam girl name, you know he had accounts, so check and see what she does, is she streaming videos of dog walking? What service does she provide?

OP- this is not the sort of honest conversation I was referring to.
Not just one side laying down martial law.

I was more referring to a broader conversation on intimacy, attraction, finding other people alluring and how they all works in a monogamous relationship.
How some of that is OK and we all do that - when we see attractive people and our eyes follow them - knowingly or unknowingly.

Or, maybe even a conversation about your sex life and how it’s been for both of you. And what, if anything, can make it better.

Point is - forbidden fruit is often very enticing. And people (all of us) do like breaking the rules, at least a little bit. And technology makes it very easy these days.

All you really said to your husband is - hide things better.
And I am going to pretend that I don’t know what other women look attractive to you and you may like looking at them.

Being able to control anyone else is an illusion.

All you really said to your husband is - hide things better.
Or he could just stay away from letching over other women every day. Despite what you think, josuk, men don't need to get sexual gratification from others outside of their marriage. They just choose to because they enjoy it, even if they have a suspicion that their partner would not agree. Yes, we may all find others attractive, but it's a bit disrespectful to deliberately seek this outside your relationship.
Op, josuk is usually on threads like this advocating porn watching, and hounding ppl to explain why it's not their thing (if it's causing problems in the relationship). Best not to engage...

Let’s face it, if men thought we were all going to be cool about it, they wouldn’t be hiding their use. And can I say you can have what you think is a totally upfront and honest conversation about attraction and intimacy and sex life etc and some of the buggers will still lie and hide stuff like this because I think part of the buzz is secrecy for some

Fitbit - this is not a discussion on porn. Not about whether or not men (or women) are justified in what they want or what they do.
It’s about honesty and communication.

OP’s partner told her some lies he knows she doesn’t believe. She pretended to believe, knowing that he realises she is pretending.

Can hiding your head in the sand really be a basis for a good relationship?

Discussing as a couple where boundaries are, what people want and need - rather than dictating it to them - isn’t that a better approach?

yetmorecrap yes, I agree. What we don't know won't hurt us, and nothing really happened, after all. So if they think they can get away with it, they will. Only option I see nowadays is to set clear boundaries and be ready to walk if you find they've been crossed again. Not a good situation, but what else is there? You should be able to trust your partner, but it seems sex in its many available forms nowadays turns a lot of men into liars. Just another reason why we shouldn't turn a blind eye and enable it to become normalized.

josuk I've read your comments on various similar threads before, probably even mine, under a different username. It always comes round to you hounding the op to explain why, if looking at attractive bodies is a natural reaction for most, they're not happy with their partner watching porn etc, IIRC sometimes including the why are you insecure faux argument. No, you can't control someone else, but they should be able to control themselves. And not disrespectfully search out and regularly watch (in secret! - yes, the problem is based on a lack of honesty!) deliberately provocative sexual posturing of someone who isn't their partner. It's not the same as watching someone walk past in the street. Different matter if it was all out in the open and in agreement. But it's not.
Anyway, there's no arguing with you, so I won't bother.

Fitbit - how is any of my views on porn relevant on this situation?

And does any of that change the fact that both OP and her H are pretending and know that they are?
So - it’s not even the situation of ‘what we don’t know won’t hurt us’
OP knows. She just doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

Whatever your views are on X, Y, or Z - being it porn, or anything else that you can disagree in a relationship - sweeping those disagreements under a rug would only work in the short term.
Discussing, thinking about them, possibly finding a middle ground - is the only way to avoid these things blowing up in the long term.

Josuk you are very realistic about life.

OP, like you I wouldn't be storming out of the door either. I would want honesty and open communication though. A lot of people look at porn, both men and women. I'm not about to judge on that. But the secrecy, definitely. But then - it may not be exciting if it's no longer a secret. Either way, I think your DH will do it again. It doesn't sound as if you can't talk this out. Why not sit down together and try?

Maybe it's just a bit of a heads up that a few changes are needed? Maybe he's just looking for a bit more ooomph and doesn't know how to ask you for it so he turned to Miss Dog Walker? Maybe a chat about some changes you and he could make might knock any future 'dog walking watching' on the head for good?