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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and DS

44 replies

FeelingGuiltyAlready · 28/12/2017 14:02

DS is 14 and only really interested in his friends, his PS4, his phone and his hobby (a sport that he plays once a week). He has become a bit monosyllabic and hormonal but in my possibly biased eyes he really isn't that bad for a 14 y/o boy. He stays pretty cheerful, does well at school and is good with his grandparents and other adults such as our friends.

But dh just can't accept the change in him and gets really frustrated with him. DH has a mammoth ego and a really short temper anyway but I think he takes ds's lack of interest in him disproportionately personally and can be really ugly in his dealings with him. He is also like this with me. Dd can do not wrong - I can barely remember him even raising his voice to her.

DH told DS he was a boring ungrateful git today. I thought that crossed a line and told him as much. Cue yet another massive row between him and I, witnessed by the 2 teens because he can't let anything lie, and him accusing me of never letting him voice his displeasure at the kids behaviour as some sort of control freakery and always wanting to "win". He has this bizarre competitive streak where someone always has to be right and win, and the other person be wrong and lose. You can't just disagree.

I pointed out to him (for the 1000th time in our marraige) that him shouting louder than me, accusing me of being controlling and saying that we should divorce every time we disagree is in itself extremely controlling of him.

We were arguing today just before going out together the 4 of us (DS typically moaned about going but would have been fine had he just been handled better) this is what set DH off onto one of his rants. He shouts out "if any of you don't want to come that's fine I'll go on my own". So I took him up on that because the atmosphere between us was about as toxic as it can get. This prompted another 10 minutes of yelling at me because I've decided not to go.

The children know our marriage is not a happy one. We've been staying together for their sake but most of the time I dream about living on my own. Not just me and the kids - literally on my own. I have a good amount of savings and enough equity in my share of the house to buy a 1 bed flat outright when it is sold. Should I start to put this plan in motion? Living like I do is so depressing.

Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/12/2017 14:08

Staying together for the children ? Oh dear.

Your kids won't thank you for that.

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2017 14:10

So what would happened to your children if you bought a 1 bed flat? You'd leave them with your bullying husband?

I really don't understand why people stay in unhappy relationships 'for the kids' - all you show them is that 'normal' is fraught and unpleasant and it's what they may well take with them into adulthood copying the same destructive patterns.

I'd be looking at leaving WITH my children and trying to repair the damage that may already be done.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/12/2017 14:11

What would happen to your DC if you moved out and lived on your own?
Would you be OK with them living with your abusive DH full time?
Would you really up and leave them with him?
I can totally see where you are coming from though.
Why could't you stay in the house and your 'D'H leave?
If you are the main carer then there's not reason why that can't happen.

Original poster

FeelingGuiltyAlready · 28/12/2017 14:29

Because dh won't leave without a fight whereas I would. I am prepared to end it all as amicably as possible but DH wont. He says "why do we bother in this marriage?" every time we argue. But faced with the prospect of splitting for real and that's not actually what he wants. He uses it as an empty threat. He doesn't have a history of bullying the children - this issue with ds has only come up in the last 6 months or so. Dh's mammoth ego doesn't like the fact that ds doesn't particularly want to spend time with him right now. Surely this is fairly normal/typical teen behaviour?

If I had the money I would leave and take the children too.

OP posts:

GrooovyLass · 28/12/2017 14:42

Your DS sounds like a typical teenage boy.

Moving out and leaving him with his bullying father - you can't actually be serious about that?

Original poster

FeelingGuiltyAlready · 28/12/2017 14:45

What do you mean I can't be serious about it? If we split, one of us has to leave. Why can't it be me? I've just explained that I'm the one who seems to want the split more than H.

OP posts:

Rainbowmother · 28/12/2017 14:49

You dream of it. It sounds like you believe the marriage is dead.

You have been together for the sake of the kids but now that's also not working and your son is getting a hard time.

So are you planning on taking the kids?

BastardGoDarkly · 28/12/2017 14:50

Yes, you want to split because your dh is a massive twat, who belittles your ds while thinking the sun shines out of dd.

That's why people are struggling to think you'd do this

Arrange to leave/split by all means, I think you must, but don't leave your kids there.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 28/12/2017 14:50

You are posting about the way your husband treats your son and you want to leave him with his father? I would echo - you can't be serious?

If you leave you take your kids surely? Not leave them with the source of the misery

AnyFucker · 28/12/2017 15:03

I would not leave your children in that environment

The scapegoat/golden child scenario will fuck them up. Been there, got the t shirt.

Fishface77 · 28/12/2017 15:07

Yeah your kids will thank you for leaving them with this emotionally abusive twat.

GrooovyLass · 28/12/2017 15:10

Leave by all means but you can't leave your DS there. Either of your DC really but especially the child that he's bullying.

sofato5miles · 28/12/2017 15:10

Get a 3 bed flat and a mortgage?

Original poster

FeelingGuiltyAlready · 28/12/2017 15:11

In many ways they both prefer dh to me. He definitely has his good side. I'm not constantly sweetness and light with the kids either - they are teens after all and can be exasperating. I guess my thread title is slightly misleading, the biggest issue is mine and dh's relationship. I think we will split now and I guess in his head ds will blame himself. That will surely fuck him up too?

I want to do everything I can NOT to fuck them up but unfortunately can't afford to rent a place large enough for the three of us independently. Dh will keep arguing for us to stay together and wear me down if I don't do something independently.

OP posts:

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 28/12/2017 15:16

You absolutely cannot leave the kids with this abusive fuckwit.

Google golden child/scapegoat.

Read about how it fucks people up for ever.

My friend was your DS, always wrong, always belittled, alwas shouted at...her sister could do no wrong at all...she is so fucked up by it, has many mental health ad self esteem issues.

Her sister thinks she is gods gift to the world and is a narcissistic fuck up.

Please don't do that to your kids.

Original poster

FeelingGuiltyAlready · 28/12/2017 15:16

I'm in my 50s and earn £12,000 pa. Doubt I could get a full time job and am definitely not mortgage material!

OP posts:

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 28/12/2017 15:20

Oh and your H will ony get more abusive towards dDS as he gets more independent.

I've seen it happen....DS is no longer a mouldable child, carving own likes and dislikes....Dad gets even angrier/abusive as they are no longer in his control.

I know its hard, but please try and find a way of getting you all out of that damaging environment.

SandyY2K · 28/12/2017 15:20

If he argues on staying together...tell him

it's not a happy marriage
it's unhealthy
it's a poor example of marriage for the kids
you both deserve happiness and that's not with each other

HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/12/2017 15:24

But you came on to post about how exasperated your husband gets for seemingly no good reason with a very normal sounding 14 year old boy.

But then you say it's not that much of an issue as he 'has a good side' and you would leave your son with him and move out?

Sorry OP but I don't get it.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/12/2017 15:25

And he can be really ugly in his dealings with him?

XmasGrinchynessPersonified · 28/12/2017 15:31

Jeez, these posts where it's all serious and intolerable and then a few posts later, the OP is downplaying the seriousness or intolerability of the situation! I always go with 'the first thing said is the reality' and anything after that is backpeddling to support the real (initially slightly hidden reason - in this case that OP actually just wants to walk away completely).

How anyone would contemplate leaving this DS with his father in the circumstances already explained, I just do not understand at all.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 28/12/2017 15:37

If your H was a normal, healthy parent, with a healthy way of parenting fairly, I would absolutely say it's ok to be the one who moves out.

It's not (as I suspect you will try and spin replies as) about male/female expectations in parenting roles....
Its about abusive parent vs non abusive parent (although strangely it's almost always the male who's abusive in this situation)

He is the abusive one.
You cannot surely think the kids are better off with someone who will almost certainly create lifelong mental health issues for both of them??

Original poster

FeelingGuiltyAlready · 28/12/2017 15:37

Yes, I've disagreed with the way he's spoken to do twice in the last 3 or 4 months. Does that constitute abuse? He's abusive towards me but he doesn't like me much, whereas I know he loves both our kids.

But OK I'll accept what you say and see if there is anything I can do at all to get him to agree to a divorce. I can't afford to just separate - I'll need financial support immediately. How much do you think I should tell the children? I could use our latest argument as an example of what I put up with all the time as they witnessed this one.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 28/12/2017 15:40

Split up and talk to the kids. They’re old enough to say who they want to live with. If it’s you then their father will have to pay maintenance so affording a bigger place won’t be so hard.

Angelf1sh · 28/12/2017 15:43

Don’t give the kids examples of why you’re splitting, it’s not their business. Just tell them you’re splitting up.

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