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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and DS

44 replies

FeelingGuiltyAlready · 28/12/2017 14:02

DS is 14 and only really interested in his friends, his PS4, his phone and his hobby (a sport that he plays once a week). He has become a bit monosyllabic and hormonal but in my possibly biased eyes he really isn't that bad for a 14 y/o boy. He stays pretty cheerful, does well at school and is good with his grandparents and other adults such as our friends.

But dh just can't accept the change in him and gets really frustrated with him. DH has a mammoth ego and a really short temper anyway but I think he takes ds's lack of interest in him disproportionately personally and can be really ugly in his dealings with him. He is also like this with me. Dd can do not wrong - I can barely remember him even raising his voice to her.

DH told DS he was a boring ungrateful git today. I thought that crossed a line and told him as much. Cue yet another massive row between him and I, witnessed by the 2 teens because he can't let anything lie, and him accusing me of never letting him voice his displeasure at the kids behaviour as some sort of control freakery and always wanting to "win". He has this bizarre competitive streak where someone always has to be right and win, and the other person be wrong and lose. You can't just disagree.

I pointed out to him (for the 1000th time in our marraige) that him shouting louder than me, accusing me of being controlling and saying that we should divorce every time we disagree is in itself extremely controlling of him.

We were arguing today just before going out together the 4 of us (DS typically moaned about going but would have been fine had he just been handled better) this is what set DH off onto one of his rants. He shouts out "if any of you don't want to come that's fine I'll go on my own". So I took him up on that because the atmosphere between us was about as toxic as it can get. This prompted another 10 minutes of yelling at me because I've decided not to go.

The children know our marriage is not a happy one. We've been staying together for their sake but most of the time I dream about living on my own. Not just me and the kids - literally on my own. I have a good amount of savings and enough equity in my share of the house to buy a 1 bed flat outright when it is sold. Should I start to put this plan in motion? Living like I do is so depressing.

Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:

princesssparkle1 · 28/12/2017 15:46

If we split, one of us has to leave. Why can't it be me

You are the mother. You leave you take the kids. Or you leave them with Controlling DH? Wtf?

Babyblues052 · 28/12/2017 15:48

Is this serious? You've gone from your dh treating you ds like shit to suddenly you've decided your leaving dh and kids. Wtf.
You've also said you dh dealing with ds can be really ugly in your first post but now you say you disagree with the way he has spoken to him twice.

Also if he's abusive to you as you say what's there to stop him then abusing your children when you leave? Abusers need victims and you're removing yourself so logic dictates he will find a new victim what's to say it won't be one or both of your children? So why would you leave them?

Honestly this is yhe first thread in a while that has me really confused and concerned.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2017 15:48

Op, you want to do your best by everybody but this isn't the way.

Divorce your husband and force the issue. Get the assets divided properly and your children spending time that is appropriate with both of you. Your son at 14 is old enough to make his own mind up. At the moment he has no choices in the matter. If you stay with your H he is forced to witness the dysfunction. If you move out of the marital home and leave him there, he loses the buffer of you against his bullying father. The same applies to ypur daughter...he is damaging her too.

If you are awarded the marital home in a divorce sttlement or at least to stay there with dc until they are of age the dc maintain a safe space.

See a solicitor and find out what your rights are. Your husband has no say in the matter.

Secretsout · 28/12/2017 15:49

OP, your ‘D’H is an emotionally abusive twat....to you and the kids. I should know because I could’ve written your post. I really could not see it, I thought he was just a dick, his behaviour got worse as the kids got older.

I’ve just divorced him. He has tried everything he can to destroy me during the year our divorce has taken. He told me countless times he wasn’t happy and I didn’t make him happy but he shit himself when he realised how serious I was and I was going through with it.
Get your ducks in a row, get rid of him and strap yourself in for a tough fight.

Me and kids have finally moved out (month ago) and I cannot telly you the change in them already.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 28/12/2017 16:12

Literally everything AnyFucker and Secretsout just said.

Especially this...
Op, you want to do your best by everybody but this isn't the way

Cambionome · 28/12/2017 17:16

New Year resolution - get away from this controlling, damaging fuckwit. Go and see a solicitor - a lot will give you a free half hour - and find out what you would be entitled to in the event of a split.

You would almost certainly get at least 50% of everything and probably more. If you are the main carer for the children you may well get to stay in the house for a few years at least. And he doesn't get to decide whether you get divorced or not - that's not how it works!

For what it's worth, I'm a similar age to you and earn a similar salary. I'm three months into the divorce process now, and just wish I'd done it years ago.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2017 17:27

Don't disappear, op

It's hard to hear. It's hard not to backtrack and think it's not so bad after all.

But listen to the people who have got out. Not one of them regret it.

Original poster

FeelingGuiltyAlready · 28/12/2017 17:37

I'm reading. Seems I have to pay an almighty price for H being an arse doesn't it? How about he sorts himself out and lightens the fuck up?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/12/2017 17:57

Yes, he should. There is no question about that.

But if you know he won't ?

AnyFucker · 28/12/2017 17:59

It's not a contest who will "break" first. The initiative is there for you to take.

RidingWindhorses · 28/12/2017 18:10

Please don't leave your kids with this awful man. They'd be so much better off with you. And they're of an age when they can make their own choice.

If you want to get divorced there's nothing your DH can do about it.

daisychain01 · 28/12/2017 18:13

How about he sorts himself out and lightens the fuck up?

Not in any way holding you to account or blaming you for your Hs behaviour, OP, but this is the very challenge you should be placing at his door.

He's the one who needs to shape up or ship out, right?

Hillfarmer · 28/12/2017 21:56

OP -go and see a family solicitor to see where you stand. You are perhaps over-catastrophising your situation, in a vacuum, because divorce seems too big. Yes it is, but you deserve more than this.

If you see a solicitor you will have something to go on. It is hard to admit you are in an abusive relationship, but from what you say in your op, you are and he IS. Get out of this marriage for your own sake and you can create a proper happy home for you and your children. They will still love him but they don’t have to be fucked up by him. And neither do you.

becotide · 28/12/2017 22:00

Once you aren't there to abuse, he will move onto the kids. he will abuse them if you leave them with him. You absolutely can afford to rent somewhere on 12 grand a year, as you will get housing benefit.

Evilstepmum01 · 28/12/2017 22:12

*You absolutely cannot leave the kids with this abusive fuckwit.

Google golden child/scapegoat.

Read about how it fucks people up for ever.

My friend was your DS, always wrong, always belittled, alwas shouted at...her sister could do no wrong at all...she is so fucked up by it, has many mental health ad self esteem issues.

Her sister thinks she is gods gift to the world and is a narcissistic fuck up.

Please don't do that to your kids.*

Absolutely this.^^

I was the child, the scapegoat, stuck with my parents 'staying together for the kids sake'. Listening to them argue, trying to be good, so I didn;t have to lie in bed listening to them hate each other because my dad stood up to me when my mum favoured my twin.

Like Lana's friend, its fucked me up, two breakdowns, counselling and anti depressants, my twin is a narc and my family is messy.

FFS, leave him, not them. You may only earn 12000 p/a but as a single mother you would likely be entitled to tax credits, housing benefits and maintenace.

Be honest with your kids, they're teens not stupid.
I wish your kids well.

Hermonie2016 · 28/12/2017 22:19

Op, don't under estimate the impact your H is having on you.I was in a similar place and honestly can't tell you how different I feel.We now laugh alot at home,something that had mostly stopped or only happened when ex was in a good mood.

Once you realise you are being abusive you will get strength to leave and fight for your children. Get fimancial info and see a solicitor.The futire is not bleak and you will survive and thrive.

HeebieJeebies456 · 28/12/2017 22:36

there are ways of living under the same roof whilst going through the divorce.
Seek legal advice about this.

Hillfarmer · 29/12/2017 17:12

P.s. I divorced my abusive arsehole and yes, you do pay a huge price for it. But don’t you see, you (and your dcs) are paying a HUGE price right now?

Nothing you have done caused it, but still, here you are. None of it is fair. This is the situation. Give that you ARE in this situation, what’s to be done? You cannot change him, he won’t stop being an arsehole who bullies you and DS, so again, what are your choices?

I had huge feelings of outrage and indignation and of course I was screaming in my head all the time ‘I didn’t sign up for this!’. Of course you didn’t...that’s a given....but You can take action. Anyone with similar experience on this board would likely be able to say: ‘I didn’t want this, I didn’t create this, I did everything I could to make my marriage work but HE didn’t. And one person alone cannot make a relationship work’.

You may want to hide from reality. We all do at times. But the reality is that your relationship is hitting the rocks, through no fault of your own. The thing to do now is recover some self-respect, agree with yourself that you don’t deserve to be treated like this and take steps to change things.

See. A. Solicitor. ASAP. Knowledge is power.

GrumpyOldBlonde · 29/12/2017 17:19

I think it is time for legal advice and urgently. He won't change, you can't leave your kids with an abusive father and if you did leave you will have to pay him child support for the children.

You may well be able to keep the house, you may be able to get some benefits and he will have to pay CM. See a solicitor asap.

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