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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What a complete idiot Ive been AGAIN!

37 replies

dizzygal · 28/12/2017 13:32

Why does this always happen to me I just want to settle down with someone im 47 and feel the time is ticking on.

The Guy I have been seeing since September was 51 and has been living with his mother the last 12 years, seems his family (mother and sister) do a lot of running around for him, his bedroom was like my sons room when he was a teen. Things were going well until he went away back in Novemember. with 15 members of his family (including his ex he split up wit 12 years ago) He came back at the begining of December and became distant until a couple of weeks later then we was 85% back, I asked him last week if things were ok and he said yes he was still into me. The sex has always been rubbish, but I liked other qualities in him so was willing to work on this at a later date, he stayed at mine on the 22nd of December and bought a bottle of Champagne that he was given at work to share with me and we chatted and went to bed, all I remember was starting to have sex but I fell asleep and dont remember anything after that apart from waking up in the morning with him bringing me a cup of tea up. I found the Durex empty so I dont think for one minute I was raped as both our fitbits state that we fell asleep within a minute of each other. He left at around 11am that day saying he has Christmas stuff to do and that things will be back to normal after Christmas, he knows I will be alone with my 10 year old daughter all throught it. We texted and chatted the next day and he said he will see me in a few days, later that night I found that he had started back on a dating site on the 22nd, as he had message my unknowing friend. I called him that evenig and for the 1st time ever he didnt answer or reply, so on Chritmas mrning I send im a text saying "Goodbye and thanks for the message on POF". I havent heard from him since, and hes still on the dating site. Im so angry at myself and Ive had the most loneliest Christmas ever, even had panic attacks and been feeling very very low. What have I done so wrong, im so angry and hurt, what do I do now NC?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/12/2017 13:36

What you did wrong was to not dump him when you saw his living arrangements. That showed him up right there as a misogynistic loser.

Of course you go NC now. He's a loser. He was never good enough for you. Next time don't waste 3 months of your life on someone rubbish.

Original poster
dizzygal · 28/12/2017 13:38

I know it sounds horrible but I thought by choosing the ugly bloke I was taking the safe option. Why do I feel he's dumped me and not the other way, I don't feel strong if I felt it was me in control then I wouldn't feel this way, but I feel like I'm the one whos been dumped? I know it's not a game I just need to find strength somehow and feel empowered

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 28/12/2017 13:38

I’m really confused OP. I can’t see what he’s done wrong. Are you clear with him, as to what you want?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/12/2017 13:38

I don't think you have much choice with the NC as he isn't responding to you.
Stop being needy and block him.
He doesn't deserve you.
He's not that into you.
Get back on the dating site yourself if you feel ready.
I'm 49 and starting over again.
It's not you, it's him.

Ellisandra · 28/12/2017 13:39

Well, it happened to you because it happens to everyone. So please try to avoid the downward cycle of blaming yourself.

He's a shit for going back on POF, if the two have you had agreed to come off it.

But he's not a shit because of you - nothing you did wrong, he just has no manners. Lots of things don't go anywhere so he's not a shit for cooling off - but he should have ended it.

Be careful what you settle for. You opened saying you want to settle down and think you're running out of time. You will run out of time if you waste it on lame ducks like this!

You could have called it off when the sex was shit.
Or when his teenage boy room suggested he wasn't compatible.
Or when he started to go cold.
And now you're asking if you should be NC? Well - yes! Don't ask!

I would forget him, get back online but be much more picky. You should get less picky when you have less time, but more!

Original poster
dizzygal · 28/12/2017 13:41

Yes, we were classing ourselves as partners up until last week.

OP posts:
Callamia · 28/12/2017 13:45

You have every right to be angry and hurt. But, I also think this relationship wasn’t going anywhere for either of you. He was too gutless to end it, and so this is how it is.

I think, really, he’s done you a favour in the long run. I’m not sure this is someone you really wanted to settle down with. Be kind to yourself - you’ve not been stupid.

Mumof56 · 28/12/2017 13:45

I thought by choosing the ugly bloke I was taking the safe option

Hmm
Original poster
dizzygal · 28/12/2017 13:45

Only last week on his works night out his boss was telling me how much he likes me and that he's scared of rejection and commitment and that he will push me away...Why was his boss saying all that?

OP posts:
Original poster
dizzygal · 28/12/2017 13:46

I went for his personality hence the ugly boke comment

OP posts:
LockedOutOfMN · 28/12/2017 13:49

Sorry to hear this, OP. It's understandable that you will feel sad, but there's no reason to feel that you've been foolish. Block him and move on whether that means dating or enjoying your own company or hanging out with friends or focusing on your career or a hobby. Good luck!

Bananalanacake · 28/12/2017 13:49

The living with his mum for 12 years is enough to put me right off. I could understand 2 years at most to save for a deposit on his own place but why hang around for that long. Bet his mum did his washing for him.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/12/2017 13:49

I can’t see what he’s done wrong. Are you clear with him, as to what you want?

How about not going on dating sites when you're supposed to be a couple, for starters? Hmm

Ellisandra · 28/12/2017 13:49

"Ugly bloke"

OK, I just lost my sympathy for you.

Maybe he went back online because he felt you were stringing him along because you thought you couldn't get anyone else?

Maybe his boss says he's scared of rejection, because he's had a bit of a run of women who weren't really into him, stringing him along because they felt out of his league?

Original poster
dizzygal · 28/12/2017 13:57

I used that as he's not my typical type, he's had 100s of women so e cant be that bad, it's me being angry saying that. He knew I fell for him as he kept saying it to me and never said it back. It was my friend who found him back on POF on friday not me.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 28/12/2017 13:59

Kept saying what to you?

Original poster
dizzygal · 28/12/2017 14:00

That he can tell i like him.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 28/12/2017 14:05

OK. So that's another reason to have called it off. Who wants to date someone who says "I can tell you like me" with saying "and that's great because I like you too".

He's a shit for going back on POF, that's not your fault. But I'm just a few posts you've mentioned several reasons not to date him (frankly, I groaned at you just accepting rubbish sex) yet you didn't.

You need to up your standards when you date again.

Arrogant / patronising types who "can tell you like them" need not apply!

Ellisandra · 28/12/2017 14:05

At least you got the last word Grin

Original poster
dizzygal · 28/12/2017 14:10

I don't feel I did though?

OP posts:
SnowGlitter · 28/12/2017 14:30

What have I done so wrong

Tbh, I'm a bit clueless generally, but all the signs were there in your opening post:

Living at home - in a transitional period is fine; tbh living there your entire 40s and into your 50s is not fine. Probably an amber flag.

Mum and sister doing everything for him - huge red flag, should have dumped.

Bedroom like your teenage son's - red flag

Rubbish sex - red flag

You think he's ugly - red flag

In fact, the answers are all in this whiney opening line:

Why does this always happen to me I just want to settle down with someone im 47 and feel the time is ticking on.

You're desperate. And behaving as though you're desperate. So rather than waiting to meet someone you're genuinely attracted to, who is genuinely suitable for you, you are settling for the first man you think probably couldn't do any better than you ("I thought by choosing the ugly bloke I was taking the safe option") and then feel disproportionately rejected when he clearly isn't that into you either because you had pegged him as the reacher and you as the settler.

He clearly didn't agree.

You ignored every single warning that this was not the man/relationship for you and are surprised it didn't work out.

I also inwardly groaned at putting up with rubbish sex. Just why?

Original poster
dizzygal · 28/12/2017 14:36

All is true! So why cant I get im out of my head and Im feeling so angry?

OP posts:
SnowGlitter · 28/12/2017 14:39

You're feeling angry because you're offended and insulted that he ended it. Not because you loved him but because you thought he'd never dump you because he'd be grateful that you'd taken him on.

You can't get him out of your head because you're indigant about what you feel it says about you.

I know this because it's what my mother used to do.

Callamia · 28/12/2017 14:44

None of us want to feel like we’ve been dumped, so you will be dwelling on it. You’ve had a lucky escape! See it for the joyous new year’s present that it is!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2017 14:44

You went for the 'ugly bloke'? OP... perhaps he did the same? For similar reasons? I mean, another woman would have taken one look at his room and backed out of there. You didn't.

You got what you signed up for, sorry.