What a complete idiot Ive been AGAIN!

[dizzygal]

Why does this always happen to me I just want to settle down with someone im 47 and feel the time is ticking on.

The Guy I have been seeing since September was 51 and has been living with his mother the last 12 years, seems his family (mother and sister) do a lot of running around for him, his bedroom was like my sons room when he was a teen. Things were going well until he went away back in Novemember. with 15 members of his family (including his ex he split up wit 12 years ago) He came back at the begining of December and became distant until a couple of weeks later then we was 85% back, I asked him last week if things were ok and he said yes he was still into me. The sex has always been rubbish, but I liked other qualities in him so was willing to work on this at a later date, he stayed at mine on the 22nd of December and bought a bottle of Champagne that he was given at work to share with me and we chatted and went to bed, all I remember was starting to have sex but I fell asleep and dont remember anything after that apart from waking up in the morning with him bringing me a cup of tea up. I found the Durex empty so I dont think for one minute I was raped as both our fitbits state that we fell asleep within a minute of each other. He left at around 11am that day saying he has Christmas stuff to do and that things will be back to normal after Christmas, he knows I will be alone with my 10 year old daughter all throught it. We texted and chatted the next day and he said he will see me in a few days, later that night I found that he had started back on a dating site on the 22nd, as he had message my unknowing friend. I called him that evenig and for the 1st time ever he didnt answer or reply, so on Chritmas mrning I send im a text saying "Goodbye and thanks for the message on POF". I havent heard from him since, and hes still on the dating site. Im so angry at myself and Ive had the most loneliest Christmas ever, even had panic attacks and been feeling very very low. What have I done so wrong, im so angry and hurt, what do I do now NC?

I never insulted him?

I ended it

I never insulted him? If that is to me, I didn't suggest you did. I suggested you felt insulted by him. Although you did insult him with all the reasons you gave for dating him. He just didn't know it.

I ended it Fair enough. But he was the one messaging people on dating sites, so, I don't think it's broken his heart.

Use this as a bit of a wake up call. Work out what your dealbreakers are, what you're prepared to compromise on. What is it that you want?

What makes you think that you needed to settle for this loser?

Lying makes a very good point about him doing the same as you.

Living with his mum at 51...for the last 12 years....NO.

Crap sex...NO

Bedroom like a teenagers.. Is this guy a fully functioning adult? Does he have learning difficulties or something?

Everything snowglitter said..

Also everything SnowGlitter said.

He's living with his mother, goes away with his ex and the sex is crap?! Seriously, you need to improve your self-esteem and rapidly. There is nothing going for this man yet you're clinging on for dear life. Desperation isn't attractive in anyone, and I'd stay single for a while and concentrate on building yourself up and liking yourself. And I mean that very kindly. You're worth far better, you just need to believe it too.

So why cant I get im out of my head and Im feeling so angry?

Maybe you're feeling angry because you're right up against yourself here. So you're not really angry at him; you're angry with yourself about some of the decisions you've made - but you're trying to make it stick on to him.

Why are you making such poor relationship decisions? Why have you set the bar so low? Where did you learn that this was how you should treat yourself? What were you taught about "love" from the family you grew up in?

I didn't have a mum and dad and I'm an only child all my grandparents died when i was in my teens. Ive never been like this before, maybe it because my age?

What is you relationship history?

It quite possibly is you age, but without proper context it's difficult to advise properly.

Your childhood sounds difficult, OP, and my heart goes out to you; and perhaps what this man has done is held out a mirror to you and you've finally caught your reflection - not because you're him, but because you're the common denominator in your many less-than-wonderful experiences ("Why does this always happen to me?").

I think that sometimes when we're older we unconsciously precipitate a crisis because we're finally ready to deal with it. It's a silver lining that's often worth grabbing hold of.

He's got nothing going for him OP. Never settle because a) you deserve better and b) it doesn't work like that. The type of guys you try and settle for come with all sorts of problems as you've discovered. They won't suddenly stop the things which make them losers just because they can't believe their luck.