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Relationships

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Original poster

My boyfriend wants to slow down after 6 months?

55 replies

lozza16 · 28/12/2017 11:59

want some advice really. I met a wonderful guy and we decided from early on that we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. Over the past few weeks we had been having little arguments because he wasn't contacting me as he used to. He would never call me back when he said he would and I told him I felt like his lack of communication was actually a lack of interest. He assured me it wasn't.

I saw him a week ago and things went really well, I finally met his friends, he was being so loving and I felt so happy. Fast forward a couple of days later we were meant to meet but he said he would let me know. He promised to call me back and didn't. I was so annoyed I ended it with him. He told me I would regret it and I ended up trying to call him. At first he wasn't having any of it. He would not speak to me, after a while we spoke and he said he still loved me. I spoke to him last night and he said he's so confused, he made a mistake he's not ready for a relationship. His jobs really stressful, he didn't realise how stressful it would be being in a relationship. He said I'm perfect and he loves me but he wants to take it slowly. I'm confused how can you go from being so in love to wanting to take it slowly? I told him he just wanted a fuck buddy and he got mad and said that's not it. Then he said he didn't want to stop talking. I told him I take it could see other people if we did that and he said there's no way I can anyone else. To me he's saying everything that entails a relationship.
He has since tried to call me and messaged me saying Merry Christmas. I'm so confused, I feel like maybe I have slightly rushed him and he does have a very stressful job but I thought we were on the same level. Do I

OP posts:

SnowFairyDust · 28/12/2017 12:02

Sounds too much like hard work after 6 months, I'd let him go.

TheNewSchmoo · 28/12/2017 12:11

You sound quite high maintenance. Finishing with him as he didn't return your call. He's right. Slow down

Isetan · 28/12/2017 12:13

The whole point of dating is to see if your on the same page about a whole host of thing. To him, when you’re out of sight you’re also out of his mind and that simply isn’t a dynamic that works for you. I think you were right to end it.

He is being disrespectful in making promises and not following through and you have every right to call him out on that but given that it’s a behaviour which he repeats regularly, it appears it’s just another character trait that’s incompatible with your character.

MuseumOfCurry · 28/12/2017 12:15

‘He’s just not that into you.’
Sorry

Christmascardqueen · 28/12/2017 12:16

He’s planning to move on. Accept this and do likewise.

Josuk · 28/12/2017 12:16

Yes - too much work after only 6mo.
Also - it seems like you are both quite young and haven’t had many relationships.

It’s normal for relationships to evolve as time progresses. The initial first month of high intensity - and emotional highs can’t go on forever and need to settle into somehjng more normal where there is space for other parts of life - work, friends, hobbies. That’s the only way a relationship can survive over a long time. It’s not a fairy tale.

So - the way you talk about it - when you started arguing about ‘decreased contact’ and broke up with him over some missed call - this just all points to the fact that you need to grow up a little and realise that you are not living in a romantic movie.
Also - it shows neediness - and it’s not an attractive trait.

Don’t sit around waiting for his calls. Do your thing, live your life. Let him fit into your life on your terms.

Lefty1 · 28/12/2017 12:19

How often do you see each other? Do you stay at each other's over night?

He may mean he wants to be in a relationship but just take it slowly ?
How old are you both? Does he have any baggage such as a recent divorce ? That may explain why he wants to keep things at a slow pace..

Capelin · 28/12/2017 12:20

Well, it’s up to you really OP. It sounds like he wants to be with you, but in quite a casual, not-in-each-other’s-pockets kind of way. More than a fuck buddy but less than the relationship you’d like. So I think it’s up to you whether you’d be happy with that, or not.

Lefty1 · 28/12/2017 12:21

Agree with @josuk

Knittedfairies · 28/12/2017 12:21

This is too much work. Walk away now.

constantchange · 28/12/2017 12:22

I feel like I'm in the same situation as you, only it's the other way around.

Things started out great with my BF (together 5 months), but I've found that it was too intense for me and I'm finding more and more that I need some time alone and space.

My BF is very needy and insecure (prob not helped by my desire for time alone) however it's not a trait that is making me feel like I want to be with him. He will say things like "Can you tell me something you love about us so I can feel close to you again?" and tbh it's just a bit much right now. I need him to take the same distance that I am, so I WANT to see him and miss him, rather than him doing the opposite and forcing me to be loving and affectionate which is pushing me away more.

Play it cool.

Original poster

lozza16 · 28/12/2017 12:22

we are quite young early 20's so maybe I am expecting fireworks. We see each other usually at the weekends. I get that he would be slowly moving on but its been a week since I ended things. Before that he was absolutely fine and seemed quite hurt when I ended it. I get that I shouldn't of ended it but I was frustrated. He's confused me because he's said he wants to take it slowly and tried to call and messaged me, surely if he wasn't into me and wanted to move on he would just leave me be?

OP posts:

PantPlot · 28/12/2017 12:25

He's told you what he wants, it's up to you to decide if you can be happy with it.

Don't get drawn into the 'well I can see other people then' bollocks UNLESS that's actually what you DO want to do though. Game playing will only make things worse and saying things to get a reaction may get you the reaction but reinforce the wrong messages.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 28/12/2017 12:25

He promised to call me back and didn't. I was so annoyed I ended it with him.

Oh dear. Let me translate for him: “I like you but being with you makes me feel stressed and miserable. I wish you would back off a bit so we could just enjoy dating and being together without you trying to control my every movement and taking offence at my every action.”

Sounds like you don’t make each other happy but from your post it sounds like you’re the more difficult one. It’s 6 months. It’s nothing. Back off or lose him. And evaluate why you’re so needy. Then stop being so needy.

Lefty1 · 28/12/2017 12:26

I think you should just go with the flow of things , he has said he wants you both to be exclusive so just date and enjoy your time together.

Are you Facebook official? My friend had that discussion with her boyfriend (he wanted to become official and she was more reluctant) it made her draw back for some time , even though she liked him because she just wasn't ready for that kind of pressure ...

TheNaze73 · 28/12/2017 12:52

He promised to call me back and didn't. I was so annoyed I ended it with him

You sound like hard work. You’re only 6 months in & still very young. Just enjoy yourself. You’re being very needy & what he is saying is back off & don’t suffocate me

Original poster

lozza16 · 28/12/2017 12:56

Okay I get I shouldn't of ended it but I just thought as boyfriend and girlfriend we should communicate on the days we don't see each other. He said he would let me know if we were going to meet and e promised me that he would let me know. He never did, it was out of frustration. He tried to call me twice yesterday. Do I call him back and try and iron it out one last time? Or let him come to me?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2017 13:05

Let him go, lozza, you want a full-on boyfriend who makes you feel like a girlfriend in- every-sense-off-the word-dammit! That boyfriend will probably treat you badly but he'll fulfil your wildest dreams of being paraded around, told that you're 'loved' (without him even knowing you) and you'll have a dramatic story to tell when it ends badly.

THIS boyfriend though, has the sense to take it slowly. You're willing to 'try and iron it out one last time'? You're not the girl for him, you're impatient and wanting to rush a relationship. You'll get your wish but not with this man. He will go on to find somebody who isn't on a 0-60 relationship tickbox mode.

AFistfulOfDolores · 28/12/2017 13:25

I second LyingWitchInTheWardrobe's post in every way.

Ryder63 · 28/12/2017 15:47

I feel the boyfriend isn't making enough effort. OP was expecting a call about possibly meeting up. I don't call that 'needy', the boyfriend was rude not to make the call as promised.

rizlett · 28/12/2017 15:52

So you 'ended' it as a test to see how much he wanted you?

Now you're upset because that 'game' didn't play out like you thought?

Read some Matthew Hussey or watch on youtube and find out how to raise your self esteem and your value so it's not dependent on what other people do or think.

Ullupullu · 28/12/2017 15:56

Relationships should not feel like this much hard struggle especially not only 6 months in! Just end it.

nousername123 · 28/12/2017 16:01

Sounds like he wants to keep his options open. I would suspect another woman but that's just from previous experience of being cheated on.

nousername123 · 28/12/2017 16:02

Also, men string along. He might sometimes show interest but other times not when he's got someone else on the brain

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 28/12/2017 16:07

You dumped him 4/5 days ago. If you & him want to carry on the relationship it's going to take some work, because he can't trust you now as much as he did a week ago (before he got dumped for the great crime of not making one phone call). There is no rule that says couples should contact each other every day and I wouldn't be surprised if he finds that stifling.
If I was him, I cba either. You can't like him that much, or you'd give him a bit of lee way.

How long have you actually been seeing him?

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