I’m so bloody lonely

[HereWeBloodyGoAgain]

And I shouldn’t be. I’m divorced, 2 DS’s 12 & 15. I’ve got a job I adore, and I live in a lovely house that I managed to buy ex out of last summer.
I’ve been divorced for 5 years. My ex husband was a man abusuve functioning alcoholic. Our relationship is fairly cordial now, enough that we don’t argue or anything.
In that time since we split, I’ve had a few relationships, and was very badly hurt by one man. (It was a long distance relationship. We split 18 months ago after I discovered he was cheating on me). I’m currently seeing another man, but I’m planning to end things with him today after (6 months) as it’s more of a friendship than a relationship. He’s admitted to me that he doesn’t ever see us living together, doesn’t want to be a step father figure to my boys, and wouldn’t want to come in on my mortgage with me. So pretty clear cut, and although it’s the right thing to do, I’m dreading it and I’m feeling very anxious over it. (But I realise it has to be done).
I’m so lonely. I’m alone almost every evening, and have been since my divorce. I have wonderful friends, really great supportive close friendships and I’m so lucky to have that. But I’m just so lonely. I don’t really know why I’m posting or what magic answers I want people to give me. I’m generally a very positive person, and I know how lucky I am. Just feeling down I guess.

I can see why you are feeling lonely - after everything you have lost. But I read this and thought you have soooo much in your life. Children, a home , friends , job and you are at least cordial with exh. And obviously the confidence to start new relationships - I wish I had what you had - x

Thank you for replying. I know I’m so lucky, I try to remember it all the time. I guess I just feel that the loneliness overcomes me sometimes.
You phrased that really nicely.....thank you.

I get where you are coming from as it’s a human need to feel loved. Maybe write down a list of all the things you have to be grateful for that others would give their left arm for, and then read it whenever you feel sad. Maybe give online dating another whirl too and just take it incredibly slowly. Are there any fun events you could go to in your area with a friend like speed dating?

Poor it's good you're getting it out.

What are your dcs doing before bed? I do things with mine sometimes but mine are older. Cinema, pool, long walk etc. Playing board games. Dominoes and cards. Can you get friends over for tea? Or to go out? Any clubs you could join? Running club. Craft. Volunteering.

Keep posting on here

Op I meant not Poor!

Everyone feels lonely, sometimes.You're about to, rightly, end a relationship that you hoped would work and never can, which is more than enough to make you feel grim for a day or two. Mind you, being sad can be a wake-up call to count your blessings, once you've mourned, which can help.

And feeling like this can be the trigger to starting something new and lovely - once you've done the deed re break-up, you'll be free as a bird to start something that does work.

I was in a similar situation and started volunteering, which had absolutely zero prospects of romance. I got two boyfriends out of it, which was seriously not expected. So making little changes brings big rewards.

Good luck, and take time to mourn before you kick off 2018 with a bang.

I’ve started a kind of ‘gratitude diary’ as corny as that sounds, to remind myself of all the good things.
All, every single one of my friends are married/living with partners, so I don’t have anyone I could team up with for that kind of thing, (even though I’m pretty sure they don’t have events like that where I am).
I’ve never tried online dating....I’m not sure I have the resilience for it! My best mate is dying to get me on Tinder though. She met her husband on it, and is very very happy....

Thank you for all your lovely replies. I’m hopefully just having a short term wallow.

Maybe try Tinder for a week and if you feel overwhelmed by it or like it’s just not the right thing for you then you can just delete it. Or even try one of the paid dating sites like Match.com as you might be more likely to get men who are genuine on there

I have a 12 year old and the best part of the evening is when he goes to bed and I can be alone. :)

But I understand that people are different and other people need more company than me.

Are there any friends you can call in the evening, even if for a few minutes, or would that still not be enough?

In any case, what is it that you miss in the evening? The physical presence, someone to share your thoughts with?

I work full time, and the weekends are spent catching up and spending time with the boys, so not really any opportunity to volunteer, (although I did use to volunteer with CAB, but not potential boyfriends there 😊)
I live fairly rurally, a very small village so there are no clubs etc locally. I used to like going to evening classes, I might consider that again.
The idea of online dating terrifies me. I know it’s realistically the only way I’ll meet someone, given my lifestyle and location but it scares me....!

Yes, I think it’s the presence of someone. I think I’m so used to being alone I’d probably find it ridiculously difficult to live with someone but at the same time, I miss just having someone there. I’ve pretended for years that I’m happy like this, pretended even to myself, but actually I’m not.

Well, could try saying to your married friends - set me up!

OP, I really identify with what you've posted as I'm in a very similar situation, but I haven't yet summoned up the courage to end it so you're one step ahead of me there.
I like what dadap said about focussing on the positives. I too have two kids, bought my exh out and so managed to keep the family home and I do have some very lovely people in my life but I spend a lot of time on my own. Over the last year I took up a few hobbies which get me out of the house and I would recommend giving it a try. It definitely beats sitting in.
Meetup is a good site for that kind of thing too. You can try your hand at all sorts and most groups are very welcoming.

Have a think about what you like doing, what you'd like to try, where you'd like to visit and fill your life that way.

Like you, I'm dreading the end of this relationship, even though its only been a few months, and the thought of starting any kind of dating again :( so I'm offering a hand to hold :) x

flajellala....hand gratefully received and grasped 😊

I’m not sure my married friends have any ideas for me....! I might ask though 😄

A couple of things jump out on your post. You seem to want a traditional set up, nothing wrong with that, but just a few things to keep in mind.
You are in a good position, financially (am assuming you own the home solely with a mortgage and can pay it) and being a single parent can be sometimes easier as you don't have to run things by another person.
In short, you have your independence. It's an enviable position to be in.
I would think very carefully about having another man in the house paying the mortgage, as he may have a claim on the house if the relationship breaks down. Absolute worse case scenario is having to sell your house.
Do your boys want a stepfather figure? Or do you want that for them?
I get that you are lonely, but don't put yourself and your boys in a financially vulnerable position that you may regret.
Sorry to be the voice of gloom!

No, you’re not a voice of doom, everything you said is spot on and I think about this a lot too. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I guess I want the security and love, but I’m frightened of the vulnerability. Sigh. I just bloody well want it all it seems.

I never understand this thing if people in couples not seeing friends on an evening? I don't think I've ever been single for more than a few months since 17 and have always seen friends. And guess who's there when you are single. Them.

I met dh on plentyoffish but if I was single again I'd probably try eharmony

Your DCs are old enough to be left alone in the evening for a couple of hours so why not take up a sport; tennis is very social, or a dance class. And maybe start a book drinking wine club and a couple of other things. Good luck!

My friends are all great, but we don’t see much of each other outside of organised events, if you know what I mean? Although I’ve pinned them all down to the last Friday of every month for next year so hopefully that’ll be a new habit we all stick to! But it would be very unusual for us to spend time together midweek, due to work and family commitments.
I met up with the man I’ve been seeing, and told him I’d like to go forward just as friends. He agreed entirely and said he’d been thinking the same, so that’s finished now, and very amicably which I’m delighted about. So here I am, single again.

I definitely need to get out there much more! Can be difficult with living so rurally, but I need to think positively about this.

Well done on ending relationship when there wasn’t anything really ‘wrong ‘.
So many people just make do and are unhappy later on when it’s harder to split.
Hope you’re ok and not too sad about this.
I’m single and 45. People recommend hunting down a man online and all the risks involved in starting yet another relationship and opening up again but I just can’t face it, it’s not my cup of tea at all, feels too salesy for me, I’m not a strong enough person!
I don’t want to be alone forever but I don’t want to settle either.

Glad to hear he took it ok.

I'm in a similar position just out of a 5 year relationship. I have 2 grown up DC. My ExDP was selfish, I had good reason to move on, he was regularly taking cocaine and not making an effort towards me or in the home (which I bought). I have lost contact with a lot of people I knew through him as most of our social time was spent seeing his family or friends although I do have good friends too that I can see although they are very often tied up with family. So I have taken this time to do something I should have learned to do a long time ago -
and really learn to enjoy my own company. I have been following Eckhart Tolle (author of the Power of Now), I've been learning to meditate and just be... without needing company or social media or anything. So it's been a good exercise to learn that I can be ok by myself. That I can get through a few evenings, a week without having plans to see others. My children are always coming and going so I'm not completely alone, but I really value the lesson I have taught myself. So many people can't be alone yet it is amazing to be able to do it, enjoy it, love yourself, love your company. And you can make a plan to go out and do something or see a friend, but just not feel so daunted by being alone. There are so many books I would love to read that I have never had time to, and I now have some time. There are many of us who have felt/feel like this, but try to get something really positive out of this time. It won't always be like this. x