Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Why do I feel guilt?

28 replies

Crushedwhite · 27/12/2017 23:55

Hi all,

I just need an outsiders perspective. I’m thinking of leaving my dh... We’ve been married 10 years and have 2 dcs. My reasons are that I feel we’ve grown apart, I don’t feel like I love him any more. He is also constantly moody and negative and has a very short temper, especially when it comes to the children. Just tonight he called them “stupid kids” because they didn’t do what he wanted. He’s not a bad father but I feel like he has zero tolerance towards them.

I just can’t help but feel guilty, like im being selfish by making this decision. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and how proud he is of our marriage. Which just makes me feel awful. It’s almost like he suspects how I feel. I know he would be absolutely heartbroken if we split. He wouldn’t take it well at all.

I just don’t think I can carry on like this, I feel miserable. :(

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/12/2017 00:05

He is a bad father. Any man who calls his children stupid is a bad father. That criticism will stay with them.

Free yourself and don't stay with someone who makes you miserable.

Original poster

Crushedwhite · 28/12/2017 00:17

Thanks for your reply atrocious, I do worry about the effect this is having on them. I grew up in an abusive household and I don’t want to subject my own kids to that.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/12/2017 00:39

for you OP. Stay strong and trust your feelings here. Build a new life for you and your kids.

taylorj86 · 28/12/2017 00:50

Sounds difficult, but definately don't jump to any rash decisions that could be detrimental for you and the kids long term. Dealing with the root cause of the problems by talking things through could help a lot.
Tell him how it makes you feel when he is short tempered and says negative things to them.
I think labelling him as a bad father is not the solution, after all you chose to have 2 children with him and have been together for this long, surely there is some strong positive root to your relationship that you can relate to.

taylorj86 · 28/12/2017 00:53

Really bad advice imo atrocious. Too many marriages are abandoned hastily without the effort being made to develop proper communication. Resentment can build up over years due to problems not being worked out properly, that doesn't mean love isn't there..and there are kids involved. Give it a chance.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 28/12/2017 00:59

My heart goes out to you. I'm sitting at home trying to work out how I'll survive financially if DH goes. It's a really lonely place to me. Do you still love him?

Jux · 28/12/2017 01:37

Horrid man, horrid as a husband and as a father.

You have noth8ng to feel guilty about, keep fighting it and reminding yourself that the guilt is unnecessary.

You can do it.

Disquieted1 · 28/12/2017 01:45

Taylor is right.
And sleep on it. Things may look different in the morning.

Joysmum · 28/12/2017 01:46

Have you spoken to him about your thoughts on the marriage?

taylorj86 · 28/12/2017 01:52

Jux we are talking about divorce here, how can you be so supportive of such a serious thing with such little detail.
I'm honestly shocked on here about the sudden anger towards men and quickness to place all blame on them, not the answer...there is obviously a lot of personal bitterness being projected into the situations of others.

bluescreen · 28/12/2017 02:27

Well, taylor and disquieted think you'll feel better in the morning so you can probably disregard their advice. (Why do I suspect they are men, identifying with the DH?)

You're not going to come on here after ten years of marriage and one unhappy evening, just feeling upset in the kind of way a good night's sleep is going to put right. You've put up with it for years and are asking why you feel guilt, and the answer is that you are a woman, that's how patriarchy works.

I hope you can work out a way of living that makes you happier. Ignore the shrieky men on here.

taylorj86 · 28/12/2017 02:36

@bluescreen it is sad that you feel the only route to compassion with the husband's position is to be a man?? Says it all really.
Let me make an assumption too, do you happen to be happily divorced/separated?

But yes let's ignore pleas for reconciliation and cheer for divorce based upon a small paragraph asking for help and some well balanced opinions from others.

bluescreen · 28/12/2017 02:45

there is obviously a lot of personal bitterness being projected into the situations of others
taylorj86

nah, taylor - happily married to a man for over 30 years so you can do one.

nestletollhouse · 28/12/2017 02:49

Op says she feels miserable, doesn't love him, he's not nice to their kids and she wants to leave. Who the fuck are you to tell her she hasn't tried hard enough or she's throwing her marriage away?

Life is too short op. You can end a marriage because you're unhappy, you can end it for any number of reasons. If you feel you would be happier then that's your prerogative. You don't need to feel guilty, you are entitled to happiness.

taylorj86 · 28/12/2017 03:09

@bluescreen I can tell you too are not fond of wild assumptions being made against you?
Still doesn't ring true to me, you seem to know all about patriarchy and are very quick to accuse 'shrieky men' (paranoid) of trying to somehow bring their oppression onto mumsnet?! Doesn't scream happy marriage and equality.

I have to confess, I am a woman who can actually remove myself from my own mind to consider how others might view things..whether it be a MAN or a child. I must be an awful person as this leads me to not randomly promote divorce.

bluescreen · 28/12/2017 03:11

Op says she feels miserable, doesn't love him, he's not nice to their kids and she wants to leave. Who the fuck are you to tell her she hasn't tried hard enough or she's throwing her marriage away?

taylorj86 · 28/12/2017 03:17

@nestletollhouse there isn't enough information to go on to actually conclude that op should wake up tomorrow morning and declare divorce. How can you jump to that conclusion so abruptly? You don't know what either have them have tried to make amends...or if they even talk openly to each other at all, that is my point.

Of course you can end a marriage if that turns out to be the last resort and the relationship isn't salveagable, but I cant conceive why there are so many pro-divorce on here.
Case in point-another member suggested that a poster should leave their partner due to their making a mess of the toilet regularly. Just madness to me.

bluescreen · 28/12/2017 03:21

@bluescreen I can tell you too are not fond of wild assumptions being made against you?
Still doesn't ring true to me, you seem to know all about patriarchy and are very quick to accuse 'shrieky men' (paranoid) of trying to somehow bring their oppression onto mumsnet?! Doesn't scream happy marriage and equality.

II have to confess, I am a woman who can actually remove myself from my own mind to consider how others might view things..whether it be a MAN or a child. I must be an awful person as this leads me to not randomly promote divorce.

In which case, I am happy for you in your happiness. Just don't let your happy happiness impinge on other people's, and above all, don't be a prick.

1DAD2KIDS · 28/12/2017 03:26

Don't be hasty. Sleep on it, give it time and assess the chances of repair. I was married 6 years years. My ex wife had a wobble, lost faith in the relationship and had an affair thinking the grass was green. She split up our family, caused no end of hurt to me, the kids and herself. Roll on two years, she regrets it and what's to be back with me and the kids. We are friends (so we talk) but unfortunately our relationship is gone forever. The thing that most frustrates me is she did this all for nothing, she is not happy and wants to be together again. I honestly would have been more happy if she had found happiness through leaving not regret. It all feels such a waste because she did not talk or try. Maybe leaving is the right thing for you but just be careful and don't throw things away to easily like my ex did, there are a lot of people's feelings at stake.

Original poster

Crushedwhite · 28/12/2017 09:39

Thank you for your replies.

I just wanted to add that I didn’t decide this last night, sorry I should have made that clearer. I’ve been feeling this way since about 2014. I told him at the time that I wasn’t sure I still loved him. I’ve tried to make it work since then but I can’t change my feelings towards him. So I feel a bit stuck to be honest.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 28/12/2017 13:34

Would he consider counselling?
He needs to address his moodiness and anger issues.
If he's willing to put some effort in, would it make a difference do you think?
If not then I wouldn't bother to suggest it to him.
If he suddenly changed, do you think could grow to love him again?
There must have been something there before?
However, if it's gone beyond the point of no return for you then start looking into what separation looks like for you and your DC.

Joysmum · 28/12/2017 14:14

You’ve told him you weren’t sure but have you actually talked together to work out what’s not right and what changes you can both make and then followed through and made changes?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/12/2017 19:58

So I think the other posters can now see you’ve given it a bit of a go (four years) and aren’t being hasty

If you’re miserable, move on. You can make it work.

Original poster

Crushedwhite · 30/12/2017 14:08

We’ve had many discussions about it in the past, he always says he will try better but the next day he is back to being grumpy/negative.

I’m going to tell him that this is it, if he can’t treat us the way we deserve then I will have to seriously consider my options.

OP posts:

GottadoitGottadoit · 30/12/2017 14:50

I can't believe that someone would read the OP and suggest that 'sleeping on it' might help.

Seriously the most patronising advice I've ever seen on here!

Flip

1 2