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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH is a complete tossed and it's taken the festive season to see it

29 replies

Mummypig09 · 27/12/2017 20:45

OH and I have been together years, 1 toddler together and I have taken on 2 step children in the process. He didn't want to spend Christmas Day with my family because apparently "Christmas Day was over" when his two daughters left to go to their mums, even though his son and I were still here. He was miserable all day, spent 45 minutes talking to his ex-wife (kids mother) about rubbish (non child related) and he bought non of our sons presents and I bought the majority of his kids presents. I made our evening meal tonight (took 2 hours) and he turned round and shouted a load of expletives and threw his meal in the bin because it wasn't to his liking. Our son hid his bank card (playing) and he blamed it on me saying how much of a useless person I was, how fat I was (no baring on a lost bank card) and how pathetic I was.... I've brushed off similar behaviour in the past (I have no idea why) but because so much has happened in such a short space of time, I am absolutely livid!! Just wanted to rant :-(

OP posts:
SweepTheHalls · 27/12/2017 20:46

At least you have seen it now and can start to make plans for the future.

shushpenfold · 27/12/2017 20:47

Blimey.....will you be staying with this lovely gentleman?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/12/2017 20:48

Who owns your house? If it's you, I'd be telling him to piss off now.

Angelf1sh · 27/12/2017 20:48

Make 2018 your year op. He’s a waste of your time.

Ratbagcatbag · 27/12/2017 20:52

I had similar last year. Years of ongoing stupid/nasty behaviour and then one light bulb moment.
This Christmas I'm sat in my own house, with no one calling me names, and no walking on eggs shells. It was the best thing ever, but it took me a long time to get there.
What do you want to happen?

drspouse · 27/12/2017 20:53

And are you married?

pictish · 27/12/2017 20:58

Ah I'm sorry. Sounds like he was in a shit mood and decided to take it out on you directly - what a nasty bastard.

Original poster
Mummypig09 · 27/12/2017 21:10

Thanks everyone - unfortunately no, he owns the house and I really want/need to leave him. Unfortunately (again) I became financially dependant upon him however I start a new job in Jan, back on the career ladder after some mat leave and a career break and hope to be able to move out. I'm SO annoyed at myself for getting in this situation :-(
CURRENT SITUATION he's upstairs on the phone to his ex-wife suggesting we (he, I and toddler) and her (ex-wife and husband) and their joint children should all spend Christmas together next year in Cape Verde.

PLEASE TELL ME IM NOT BEING OVER THE TOP IN THINKING - WHAT THE ACTUAL

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummypig09 · 27/12/2017 21:11

Few grammatical errors however I'm fuming!

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/12/2017 21:16

Keep it to yourself that you're thinking of moving out. Tell him not to buy tickets just yet. He's a complete fool and you'll be well shot of him! I'm sure his ex's boyfriend will be delighted when he shows up on their holiday.

MajesticWhine · 27/12/2017 21:16

I hope you are able to communicate with him everything that is wrong about this relationship. Start fighting back, don't put up with this shit.

happypoobum · 27/12/2017 21:16

This really isn't normal!

I would go along with it for now though (just don't book anything) and get your ducks in a row before you leave.

Do you think he still holds a candle for her? (sorry)

Original poster
Mummypig09 · 27/12/2017 21:29

Yes I think he does still hold something for his ex-wife, they're both the same again and I'm 12 years younger and when we met, I was in top shape....now a child and illness later I'm not and although it shouldn't matter, I think it does to him. I can't help but feel he wants the idyllic family life with her that he doesn't have with me (I lost my business 3 years ago which took its toll financially/emotionally as I was financially in control for many many years which allowed him to not have to work. Now that I'm back in the workplace (at a lower level) he just doesn't respect me, that plus being several sizes larger. It's all clicking into place now..... thank you so much for your replies it truly means a lot to me to be able to talk about this

OP posts:
BruelTr · 27/12/2017 23:40

Once contempt enters a relationship, it's over. Make 2018 a year of building a life without him. Let him make someone else miserable. You deserve to be with someone who loves, respects and wants to make you happy.

BattleCunt · 27/12/2017 23:57

Well he sounds delightful.

You're absolutely doing the right thing by getting out of there when you can. I'm sorry he is a complete wanksock.

princesssparkle1 · 28/12/2017 00:00

You sound like a wonderful woman, @Mummypig09 and so much respect to you for being able to see the future so clearly. How will your DS feel about you and he leaving his Dad?

MyKingdomForBrie · 28/12/2017 00:06

Wow, he doesn’t like you now you’re not a meal ticket.. lovely guy. Get out ASAP

wtf2015 · 28/12/2017 00:10

The light bulb moment is very energising - use it well. Hope you’re ok op

KarmaStar · 28/12/2017 00:21

Hi OP
What an amazing lady you are and worth so much more than him.
And your intelligence and determination to build a new and better life for you and your little boy is so evident.
We all make mistakes and they make us stronger and wiser and I've every confidence that your career will take off again,make sure you protect yourself from him grasping more cash off of you later down the line when he sees how successful you are.I've heard that ex husbands or wives try to make a claim after divorce/financial separation when they realize their ex is much more rich than they are.
He is emotionally abusing you and if you wanted to you can make a complaint to the police.
Wishing you and your little one a fantastic,successful and happy 2018

Jux · 28/12/2017 01:32

Fab! Well done.

He sounds like an arse. Best Xmas present? Freedom!

AnyFucker · 28/12/2017 01:42

Don't be in the same situation next Xmas

CountdowntoSanta · 28/12/2017 02:14

Read Ratbag post. She had her lightbulb moment last Christmas and is a free woman!! Well done Rat.

OP this is your lightbulb moment. You won't be at that circus in Cape Verde.

Good luck with the job. You and your son will not be with this dickhead next year. He will be making his own crap dinner.

Ratbagcatbag · 28/12/2017 08:59

Make mmmmm noises about the holiday, don't quite commit, but don't give him the indication that you're leaving.
Get your job and start making provisions to leave. If you have any credit cards or loans, use the excuse that now your working it makes sense to pay them down as quick as possible, perfectly sensible but also leaves you with one less stress when you walk away.
Do the maths on the bills, I thought I'd struggle, but actually I've just booked Disney land for May next year, it's not as bad as you think.
Are you married? If yes go and see a solicitor to find out what you're entitled too.
Anything joint that's big that you don't want, sell on eBay/gumtree, pay any debts down. Better to do it now than afterwards when stuff becomes an arguing point.
Squirrel away a bit of cash. Enough for a rental deposit and the basics in your house.
My daughter is 4, she's been ok with the split mostly, how he behaves with his other children should hopefully give an indication he's going to be involved.
If he has your son midweek which reduces maintenance, make sure he then pays for the childcare he uses to facilitate that.

Good luck. I felt I was on the edge of a cliff peering over, and jumping would have me slamming into the ground, but I didn't, some of the fall was bumpier than other bits, but it was definitely more of a scramble than free fall.

CountdowntoSanta · 28/12/2017 17:20

Great post Rat. Thrilled to hear life has improved since you left. You are a great example to other posters who want to leave. Enjoy Disney!!!

SandyY2K · 28/12/2017 18:03

He obviously still fancies his Ex. Seems he has nothing but contempt for you though.

Get your ducks in a row and turf him out of your life.

I also think he wants you to leave...why else would he be so nasty. I hope you went to your family on Christmas day and left him alone.