scared of my mum

[c781]

I don't really know where to start with this post to be honest. I'm 23 and still live at home, this is due to financial reasons mainly - I've really struggled to find a FT job since leaving university.

Anyway - I know the obvious answer is to leave home, but it's not really possible right now - but I'm making positive steps for it to become a reality in 2018, but I need advice for the present IYSWIM.

My mum likes to pick at things I do all the time, if I'm going for a walk she questions why, if I go out anywhere she asks me why I'm going there. Very petty things. For example during our Christmas dinner I asked for leg meat rather than breast and she made a lot of fuss over that, because I "always preferred breast". It's like I need to justify every decision I make.

I have a boyfriend, I'm going to be spending NYE with him. I'm really excited for it. We've been together almost a year and I do sleep at his 1/2 times a week - my mum hasn't met him and "hates" and has told me countless times he's not welcome in her house because I had the audacity to become a couple with him prior to telling her. She doesn't like the fact I spend more time out the house and suggests constantly that I should be at home because I'm "safe" there, that anything could happen whilst I'm away at my boyfriends.

I'm scared to tell her that I'm going to spending 4 nights away from home with him (I'm only telling her because it's polite to let people I live with know I won't be home). She will make the next few days unbearably awkward, and try and make me so miserable. I don't know what to do, or if this even makes any sense :(

She's jealous. She's controlling and she's micro managing you. You are right to be concerned about her behaviour towards you. It isn't normal.
She does not wish you well. Be aware and share as little as possible with her if you can.

I would just speak to her about it explain you know that she loves you and is concerned for your welfare and say that it would be nice if she could meet him as it would make things easier all round....do you have a dad at home that you could also speak to

You're a 23 year old woman. Time to put your foot down with your Mum or your relationship with her will not last. I'm sure that is the last thing she would want.

I've got a mother just like that. I know exactly where you are coming from. I bet she has no friends and little interests. Make 2018 the year you escape

Can you afford to rent a room somewhere? That’s a cheaper way of moving out than a flatshare. Ultimately it’s her house so you can’t really refuse to follow her rules. If you cannot afford to move out, it might be possible to have a conversation with her. Perhaps ask her why she thinks you are unsafe?

I think you take a deep breath and tell her your plans. Don’t ask tell her ‘ I am going on x day and will be back on x day’
Your an adult capable of your own decisions - and the consequences of those decisions
Her attitude probably comes from caring and she sounds like she’s struggling to see you as an adult
I think getting your own place will help enormously

Are you claiming JSA? You really really need to get finding a job and GTFO of your mum's place. Take literally anything you can get, if it's a lack of job history that's causing problems then start volunteering for charities, they are great for references and look good on your CV. It will also get you out of the house!

In terms of your visit, I'd tell her on the morning that you're leaving and you'll be back on whatever day.

You're absolutely doing the right thing making plans to leave, sooner the better but I know it takes time. Might be an idea to have an emergency plan though, just in case it becomes intolerable before you're ready. Maybe see if you would be able to sofa surf around friends and family for a while if you absolutely had to.

In the meantime read up on the grey rock technique and give that a try. It's pretty much going to be an endurance test til you can get out of there from the sound of it though.

It is sad that she hasn’t met the bf.

I don’t have this with my mum, who lives fairly close and has no desire to manage my life (though she will tell me if she thinks I am being stupid, but in an “it’s your life” way).

I suspect that more 20-somethings end up at home after university than say a generation back.

Thanks for all your replies. I have a job, but it's minimum wage and part time. I have around £20 a week after I've paid all my bills - it's all going into savings!

I'd LOVE her to meet my boyfriend, but she would no doubt cause a scene. She refuses to even have his name said in her house. My dad is around but he's very much under her thumb so talking to him isn't really an option.

If push came to shove I would have someone to sleep, but my boyfriend does live in another city (around a 40 min drive away), so living with him and working wouldn't be viable. Plus we aren't ready for that step tbh. It would be ok for an emergency though.

I do usually tell her close to the time but she says she needs to know as she needs to plan her life around me. she is so nasty to me when I tell her. She suggests we should still be having "Day dates only" - we've been together almost a year (can't remember if I mentioned that in my OP)

I KNOW I need to stand up to her, but it's hard when she makes my life so miserable

I already feel like I have no relationship with my mum, I trust her with nothing, because every time I've made a mistake in the past she saves it up for "told you so" ammo in the future

@Angelf1sh to answer your safety question, she thinks I'm unsafe because one of his friends may try to drug and rape me

It sounds like you would benefit from visiting the "But we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the Relationships board.

Good idea Not, here's the link OP www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3009327-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families?pg=39&order=

Are you an only child?

Your mum sounds very mentally unwell.

Definitely agree to checking out the Stately Homes thread OP. Sounds to me like your mother wants to keep you in her grip and clip (actually destroy) your "wings".
Read up. Educate yourself. Be aware of what is going on.

Are your parents Asian? In which case this kind of attitude isn’t uncommon.

Thanks, I'll definitely check out them threads.

My family isn't Asian no, she's just v.controlling. I'm also the eldest of 5, if that changes anything? But my (17 year old) brothers girlfriend is loved by my mum, she's welcomed with open arms. I don't know why my situation is any different

What has she got against your boyfriend? Is he a different race, religion or colour, a convicted criminal, drug user etc? Why didn't you introduce them to each other months ago? Surely she can't be saying you shouldn't have a boyfriend at 23. There must be more to it. The situation just doesn't make sense. What did she do when you were at university?

If it’s not a cultural thing then your mother is a bit bonkers. And you’ll have to learn to ignore everything she says.

@Shard1662 No, he's none of them things. I've no clue why she hates him so much. I haven't introduced them because when we first started dating, it didn't feel appropriate, and when I mentioned to her it was more serious she completely freaked out and decided she wanted nothing to do with "the man who took my daughter away".

I do genuinely believe she may be jealous, but I'm not sure why!!

Ok... This sounds scarily familiar. I had a very bad relationship with my mother from around age 12 or so, essentially, I've come to realise when I learned how to have my own opinion (that didn't agree with hers). I recall being very alone and always scared to do/say anything as it was never right. By age 14/15 my mother started to throw me out of the house if I did not behave like her vision of the perfect daughter you know, like from the 50s who cooked and cleaned for her mother (anyways!)
In the end I got a boyfriend who was way older than me at 16 and we shacked up in a slum just so I could get away from her.
Since then our relationship was still fairly strained as we never lived up to her expectation of what she wanted from her daughter i.e. to be showered with gifts on her birthday/anniversary/Christmas as she was such a wonderful mother and be nasty if she wasn't happy with our gifts. Or that I didn't have children at 20, I decided to choose a career first

Anyway, long story, slightly shorter, one day another issue and I just flipped. I was a 31 year old, own home, good job scared to say/do anything so I just stopped talking to her. Cut off ties. That was 9 years ago and I can honestly say looking back that I should have done it the decade before.

Some people just want to control and manipulate without a thought for your needs/wants. That's a nice way of putting it. TS unlikely your mum will listen when you try to put this to her in a reasonable way, although you probably should try. My advice, although obviously very biased is to get the hell out of there, as soon as you can and you'll never look back.

Good luck!

@rhardwick945 that sounds exactly what my mum is like, we've not gotten on properly since I've had my own opinions and they're differently to hers. She tells me she says horrible things to me because she loves me, she's just angry and that's how she shows it. She's also disappointed in me for not wanting to have kids at this point in my life. She told me this morning she can't wait for my life to come crashing down then we will know she was right all along. I feel like cutting ties would be for the best in the long run, although I don't want to do that - she does have some nice moments :(