scared of my mum

[c781]

I don't really know where to start with this post to be honest. I'm 23 and still live at home, this is due to financial reasons mainly - I've really struggled to find a FT job since leaving university.

Anyway - I know the obvious answer is to leave home, but it's not really possible right now - but I'm making positive steps for it to become a reality in 2018, but I need advice for the present IYSWIM.

My mum likes to pick at things I do all the time, if I'm going for a walk she questions why, if I go out anywhere she asks me why I'm going there. Very petty things. For example during our Christmas dinner I asked for leg meat rather than breast and she made a lot of fuss over that, because I "always preferred breast". It's like I need to justify every decision I make.

I have a boyfriend, I'm going to be spending NYE with him. I'm really excited for it. We've been together almost a year and I do sleep at his 1/2 times a week - my mum hasn't met him and "hates" and has told me countless times he's not welcome in her house because I had the audacity to become a couple with him prior to telling her. She doesn't like the fact I spend more time out the house and suggests constantly that I should be at home because I'm "safe" there, that anything could happen whilst I'm away at my boyfriends.

I'm scared to tell her that I'm going to spending 4 nights away from home with him (I'm only telling her because it's polite to let people I live with know I won't be home). She will make the next few days unbearably awkward, and try and make me so miserable. I don't know what to do, or if this even makes any sense :(

Be strong! The only thing I can advise is that people don't change and my life has been a breath of fresh air since we did cut ties. X

Wow, your Mum said that? That she wants your life to crash down around you?
That is vile.
My 2 daughters are around your age and whilst I don't support every choice they make I support them with their choices.
My DD1 is 7 years in to a relationship with a lovely lad who is just part of the furniture to be honest.
DD2 makes not so great choices, it is not the partners, some have been lovely. She just gets bored, doesn't want to settle and wants to party whilst she is young enough to. Her choice, all I can do is advise. cuddle, be there to rant at and take them for a spa day when they need it.

I really think you need to sit your Mum down and ask her how she can say such a thing. That isn't a caring nurturing thing to say.
Ask her how she sees your relationship in 19 years time and that you need to start changing the dynamic.

sympathies OP.

I admire you for recognising that whilst she acts like a monster she isn't "just" a monster.

Have you got a sibling you can talk to? Someone who loves you both?

Your mum sounds extremely toxic. I’m glad that you are not knuckling under and going completely along with what she wants. ‘Day dates’? You’re 23!

It does not sound like she is capable of reason and treats you like some kind of extension of her self, rather than an independent person. It sounds to me like your best option is to get out as soon as you can. This can’t be good for you or your self-esteem.

One of my children is about the same age as you, OP, and I'm thrilled and so happy for them to see their life changing and developing. It's a lovely thing for a mother to see.

I am horrified that she told you that she wanted your life to crash around you. That's a vile thing to say and she should be ashamed of herself. But she won't be, because she's selfish, abusive and controlling.

My mother is much the same as yours. I tried to make my relationship with her work for decades, but eventually stopped seeing her a few years ago. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

If I were you I'd focus everything on finding somewhere else to live. So if you don't earn enough to do it yet, find out if you're entitled to any benefits or help getting on your feet; see if you can train for a better-paying job; do all you can to do it.

Meanwhile, don't rise to her provocations. Be dull and non-judgemental because the less you have to put up with the better. You could look up "grey rock" technique as that's often helpful in dealing with people who are determined to cause trouble.

Good luck to you, OP. You can have a lovely happy life free from stress, but I don't think you can do that if your mum is part of your life.

Thanks for your replies. It's really reassuring to know that I'm not being completely unreasonable and acting like a crazy out of control daughter. As that's how she's made me feel!

In regards to her saying she wants to see my life fall apart, I've asked her many times why she thinks saying things like that are ok (she says a lot of similar things). And she says she's allowed to say it because she's my mother. That's her only justification. If anyone should be able to say it, she should. And to be quite honest, I cannot reason with that.

If I'm honest, I don't have a lot of RL people to talk to that wouldn't side with her - it's quite embarrassing to admit your mum doesn't like you very much - well, I really struggle with that anyway.

I'm definitely making it my aim to be out of here next year, I've a degree I can try and make use of, and no real commitments. It's just difficult financially, that's my biggest fear. I don't want to leave this situation to end up in that's debt ridden.

I'll read up on all your suggestions too

yuck.

my mother has done similar. I stick by her but she kind of disgusts me too.

The grey rock technique impressed me I have to say.

Two words for you that may help. Room share. An affordable way to get your own independence. Well hopefully depending on where you live. I often rented a room to a lodger for a very reasonable sum and we both benefited from it.

In regards to her saying she wants to see my life fall apart, I've asked her many times why she thinks saying things like that are ok (she says a lot of similar things). And she says she's allowed to say it because she's my mother.

I wouldn't dream of saying anything like that to any of my children. I love them. I want them to be happy and successful, and to realise their dreams. And I do all I can to make that happen for them. Sometimes it means slipping them a tenner here and there; sometimes that means giving them a cuddle when things are difficult; sometimes it means driving them around or helping them fill in forms or telling them to take a calculated risk if they think it might well help. But it never, ever, EVER means telling them I hope they fail or are miserable.

I'm sorry, c781, but your mother is a grade A mare. You deserve to be loved and cherished and helped and not spoken to like that.

It's brilliant that you have a degree. That puts you in a strong position with regard to job hunting. Do all you can to find a better job in an area you enjoy and as soon as you can, get yourself out of your mother's house and into a home of your own where you can flourish.