Those who have given up alcohol, or love someone who has

[HoneyCombOver]

Under what circumstances would you buy them alcohol as a gift?

It feels like cruel vs stupid.

It does feel like it's sending a message when combined with the taxi fare. I'm not surprised you are upset.

There isn't any circumstance where I'd give alcohol as a gift to somebody that didn't drink.

CONGRATULATIONS on your two years. That is a massive accomplishment. This thread reminds me so much of my ex in laws... and not in a good way. Your family's behaviour says more about them and their need to validate their own drinking, than it does about you.

The ex's family would buy him booze, refill glasses over and over again, bring back duty free etc encouraging their son to drink, even when they knew he was in AA. They still claim the drinking issue is my 'allegation', years later... but they were/are also alcohol dependent/ alcoholic, as were/are two of their other six adult children. If they were to admit their child had a problem, it would force them to examine their own attitudes to alcohol. That is something they remain unable to do.

Good luck - it sounds like your show is a star supporter of you.

Thankyou Rafals and Subordinate.

I’m still trying to make sense of it. I think that my mother is annoyed that I haven’t discussed this with her and is trying to provoke a reaction of some sort, which is the only way that her behaviour makes any sort of fucked up sense.

All of the times over the years when I've gotten any unkind remarks or push back about my not drinking, it has always been by someone who knows that they drink more or in a way that is clearly not normal.

Honey, over time it will become like water off a ducks back. There are things you can do to make it more graceful. When you're at a restaurant that puts out wine glasses, turn them upside down. A good server will simply take them away without comment. At my wedding reception, I had my champaign flute filled with ginger ale. If someone makes a comment about you not drinking, simply ignore it.

Morning all. We have a famIly birthday today and the parents have called. Couple of times to see what time we are celebrating. I feel shaky when I think about addressing things and yet I know I should draw better boundaries. A childhood with alcohol has left me with very poor boundary drawing abilities.

Do you feel you could go and not be bothered or tempted if alcohol is offered to you?

How clear are your parents about the fact that alcohol is absolutely off limits for you? If there is any doubt in their mind, can you have that conversation with them before the party?

It’s a kids party round the corner at the church hall, so it’s a dry event.

If it's dry, and you feel up to it emotionally, I'd go. Life goes on.

Do think about having a very blunt conversation with your parents at some point, just so your DM can't say "well, nobody told us".

I’d have the blunt conversation but I don’t trust my mother with any personal feelings. It’s really hard to explain, it all sort of gets used against me somehow or I end up feeling really exposed somehow. That’s why I’ve never discussed it with her. She has this thing where she says “I know you” but she truly doesn’t.

I’m going to the party shortly, DH is there now with the kids and I’ll be avoiding her as much as poss.

Ah I totally get that. My (young adult) kids are so supportive and accepting about my not drinking but my mum and sisters are really weird about it. They kind of pretend the whole AA thing isn't happening and there's a subtext (in my mind anyway) that they don't really believe I have a problem, that I'm just being attention seeking and silly. I didn't tell them for ages because I knew that would happen. It negates all the difficulty and effort of what I'm doing.

It's the sort of gift people give if they feel that someone else's abstention is a judgement on their own consumption of alcohol

I think so. I'm another who wouldn't try another drink. Didn't drink large amounts but it was every night and gradually increasing. Still feel tempted but know that I would end up right back where I started if I gave in.

All done now, I politely gave it back! She tried to leave it but my husband made sure it went. I also heard her make some eye rolling comment to a friend about it too, who to her credit ignored her.

Phew. Feel like at least some of a weight has lifted.

And my sobriety is protected. I was looking tonight at holidays and felt so happy to know that from now on I will remember every day and night of them. Some of mine are just a blur! It really feels like freedom!

Well done, Honey! By the way, my whole family knew about me right from the start. I had to do a 5 day inpatient detox in hospital at the beginning, so that let the cat completely out of the bag.

I know what you mean about being able to remember things. What I really recall as a pleasant surprise in early sobriety was waking up every morning and feeling good!

Good on you - and fantastic your husband backed you up too. Well, as you have pointed out, your sobriety is upsetting to her as it highlights their problems. But you can’t change that! Happy New Year

Well done, well handled. I have alcoholic parents, particularly my dad and they just don’t understand people who don’t drink.