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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage woes...is it me? Ideas and advice gratefully received

37 replies

EverAfterly · 26/12/2017 21:59

I'm very unhappy in my 16 year marriage.

But I don't know if I am just being a spoilt, mardy cow about things OR have genuine reason to be unhappy.

I have tried so hard to get some clarity. Nothing has helped, to be honest. Have spoken to supportive friends and my mother and sister in confidence over the last 2-3 years. I've had counselling to try to sort my head out. No joy. I just feel increasingly unhappy and I am driven mad by the guilt about potentially breaking up our family (two DC, 13 and 10) because I am not happy/satisfied. Seems so selfish.

DH is a kind man. He is a hard worker, very practical and organised and by far the better earner. He has supported me through a serious illness in 2013/14. He is 50/50 with childcare, utterly devoted to our DC and does a lot practically in our lives, although not so great with housework and very hard to talk to about the big issue - money, our future plans etc - as he clams up and gets really stressed.

He is also massively obsessive about his hobby, which he has now turned into a pretty decent money-making second career, which means his obsession is justifiable now. He is absent from family life SO much because of this, and I feel increasingly distant from him.

He makes it up when he is here to a certain extent - very hands-on with DC, lovely to me (will cook, give me massages, talk and be interested and affectionate)...but its not enough. 80% of the time I'm alone, lonely and feel at the mercy of his agenda.

Because of the unpredictable, self employed nature of his work, I can't plan anything much in advance. No 'Tuesday night I go to the gym' or 'Fridays once a month I see friends'. Everything has to be OK'd against his schedule to see if it fits in. He has about 10 dates booed in in Deceber for Xmas do's before I'd even had a chance to book a single night out, so I had to woe around him as usual.

He is so dynamic and proactive about his life, which I admire and always found attractive about him, but I have suddenly found I feel like a complete spare part and housewife stuck in a rut (I work full time, I have great friends, I'm not some sad case....but I just feel suffocated by HIM and HIS shit). Everything is about him, his career, his hobbies, his ideas. I have morphed in to her indoors. WTF?

Is this my fault? Am I going totally mad? Ive spent Christmas feeling quietly sad about us. I organised everything, the presents, cooked etc. He just turned up and was a jolly and kind but pretty useless addition. He is off at the pub tonight watching football and I feel about 75 years old instead of 40 and really don't want the next decade to be all about him...

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 26/12/2017 22:02

He sounds bloody marvellous to be honest 😬 Are you sure you're not finding fault with him instead of working on yourself? That's not a criticism btw, I'd just hate for you to throw something away when it wasn't him you were cross with, it was yourself.

Pringlemunchers · 26/12/2017 22:03

What would you like ? How could it change ? What would you make you feel better ?

LittlemissF · 26/12/2017 22:04

Probably not the most experienced advice but after 8 months of marriage to my now ex husband I felt unhappy. We had no children by ttc for several months after that with no joy. I promised myself that Christmas that I wouldn’t be happier the next Christmas no matter what that meant. The next Christmas I still felt the same, so I left in the January and got divorced. We had no children so I know it will probably be completely different advice, but it was the best thing I ever did. I would have spent the remainder of my life feeling unhappy. For me I felt life was too short for me to be unhappy.

Original poster
EverAfterly · 26/12/2017 22:05

This is the question, SleepZone. Am I the problem or is it our marriage?

OP posts:
LadyLoveYourWhat · 26/12/2017 22:09

Does he know how you feel and that it's making you feel so sad it might break you up? He sounds like he cares about you! Could you write him a letter if he finds it difficult to talk?

Original poster
EverAfterly · 26/12/2017 22:09

Realised I have painted this picture of a lovely man...which is true. So why do I feel so unhappy? Sad

OP posts:
katmarie · 26/12/2017 22:10

have you talked to him at all about how you feel? If he asked, would you be able to tell him what might make you happier? I do understand how you feel to an extent, I had similar feelings when I moved abroad with my ex for his career, everything revolved around him and I felt like I had no power or control over my life, and that I brought little value to the partnership.

You need to figure out what you want, what will make you feel happier and more fulfilled. Once you can articulate that then you and your husband can possibly move forward together towards that.

EllaHen · 26/12/2017 22:12

I disagree that he sounds marvellous. He's never there, how on earth can he be marvellous?

You facilitate his life. In doing so, you are trapped. As in, you have no freedom.

Not a life I'd want. Jeez, you work full time to boot.

I work full-time but my dh is here. So, either we do stuff together or one of us gets down time.

I can see why you are feeling low. I really can.

Humpsfor20yards · 26/12/2017 22:12

If I couldn't talk to my dh about how I was feeling or 'the big issues' I would feel unhappy.

Is he listening to you? Can you get him to hear you?

Original poster
EverAfterly · 26/12/2017 22:13

I'd like more focus on me. That sound petulant and childish, but I have taken such a backseat for years for the DC and I feel lie tie is slipping away. I'd like to have fixed times to go to the gym or go out with friends, rather than always working around him. I'd like him to tae responsibility for some of the housework without me telling him 'can you clean the loo for once'.

OP posts:
Humpsfor20yards · 26/12/2017 22:16

Your dh is making good money tho? - there's no reason you couldn't get someone in to babysit/or your mum twice a week or so?
What would he do if you went off for the wkend? Or got nights booked in for Dec next year? Would he be pissed off?

Original poster
EverAfterly · 26/12/2017 22:16

I don't think he takes my career seriously at all, either. I care changed after our first DC wad diagnosed with SEN, as my former (glamorous, high status, well paid) job was completely undoable. He has never conceded that I gave up my dreams.

The career I changed to was much less well paid, lows status, but by some miracle I have managed to crawl up the ladder and am now on a management track and doing really well. Its gruelling (social work) but it never seems to attract the same level of URGENCY and IMPORTANCE as his work (self employed, creative, very ell paid and glam).

I do feel resentful. But is is my issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
EverAfterly · 26/12/2017 22:17

career changed

OP posts:
Original poster
EverAfterly · 26/12/2017 22:18

God, excuse my typos.

OP posts:
Turkkadin · 26/12/2017 22:19

Maybe the problem is you are alone 80 percent of the time and you don't want to be alone that much. Maybe you want him to want to be with you more. I think you feel you exist on the outskirts of his life and need to be more central in it. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Original poster
EverAfterly · 26/12/2017 22:22

Turkaddin - yes, for a long time its been that. But feels like his absence has caused a distance longer term that means I feel checked out of our relationship now.I don't know what I want anymore.

God, Christmas brings this shit out, doesn't it? Grin

OP posts:
Humpsfor20yards · 26/12/2017 22:22

You shouldn't have to fight for equal status and equal freedoms in a relationship but...
Have you told him? You need to voice that resentment to him. Doing Xmas without his participation sounds shit. Tell him you won't be doing it again: how he reacts- not just immediately but over the next few weeks will be revealing.

winterwonderlandy · 26/12/2017 22:23

You need to stand up and be counted. You've lost yourself, but you can find yourself again. Book in some nights out etc. If he then plans something for the same evening he can sort out childcare. Once you start acting like you're important too, he'll soon start to believe it. But while you act like you're not as important as him, then he'll believe that.

You need to work on building up your self esteem.

Chchchchangeabout · 26/12/2017 22:25

It sounds like there is some good stuff there but some real challenges too. If it was me, before pulling the plug I'd want to do two things. 1. Get really clear on how I wanted things to be instead. So what specifically would have to change to make me happy in my life and in the relationship. 2. Make sure I had communicated this in a hearable way. I would possibly go for joint counselling to do this (if I could find someone I trust) to create a properly neutral, safe space.

Cricrichan · 26/12/2017 22:29

I think you need to sit him down and explain clearly how much you've sacrificed for the children and him. I'm guessing having a Sen child means that babysitting isn't as easy so it needs to be him. Tell him that you're getting to the stage where you're reconsidering the marriage. Splitting up would mean shared care and it would give you more freedom and time for yourself. See what plan you can both come up with where you feel happy about it.

Original poster
EverAfterly · 26/12/2017 22:32

Cricrichan - yes. Absolutely. DS has autism and we have never had childcare for him other than my mum, who hasn't yet retired and has a busy life (though she is fantastic with the DC and there for us when the chips are down, ie. DC off sick etc).

Its very sad, but I have visions of a life where we have 50/50 custody and I get some days and nights to do what I want. Sounds awfully selfish, but he gets that NOW. I don't.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 26/12/2017 22:33

Can you first of all make opportunities for yourself. So get a teenage babysitter and plan your own life..gym new hobby etc. If no cleaner fet one and make no apologies.
Tell dh you are unhappy..tell him what you need..see if he is just clueless and would smarten up if got a good shaking.
Also why is he in pub tonight? Do you actually say ld like you to stay home or lm coming with you.
He sounds like he could be turned around but and lm not blaming you here..you need to find your voice in this relationship.

1DAD2KIDS · 26/12/2017 22:43

Not sure if this sounds bad but because he's such a good guy and devoted father would leaving him be more of an easy and safer option than if he was a bastard? I assume he would be civil, fair and split the parenting 50/50 should you split? Therefore to leave such a man would me more attractive than leaving a man who would be vile, obstructive and totally unhelpful with the parenting should you split. Does this assumption that he'll continue being a fair, reasonable and cooperative co-parent encourage you the leave him?

Graphista · 26/12/2017 22:51

I don't think he's marvellous either, he's mostly absent, hard to have a relationship of any kind when they're not around.

There's also the fact that love is an unknown quantity. You can't make yourself love someone with the best will in the world. My ex sil and her husband split for similar reasons they'd just grown apart, it happens.

Talk to him, perhaps consider counselling but ultimately don't be too hard on yourself.

dramaticsigh · 26/12/2017 22:51

You're going to have to tell your m how you feel...