Marriage woes...is it me? Ideas and advice gratefully received

[EverAfterly]

I'm very unhappy in my 16 year marriage.

But I don't know if I am just being a spoilt, mardy cow about things OR have genuine reason to be unhappy.

I have tried so hard to get some clarity. Nothing has helped, to be honest. Have spoken to supportive friends and my mother and sister in confidence over the last 2-3 years. I've had counselling to try to sort my head out. No joy. I just feel increasingly unhappy and I am driven mad by the guilt about potentially breaking up our family (two DC, 13 and 10) because I am not happy/satisfied. Seems so selfish.

DH is a kind man. He is a hard worker, very practical and organised and by far the better earner. He has supported me through a serious illness in 2013/14. He is 50/50 with childcare, utterly devoted to our DC and does a lot practically in our lives, although not so great with housework and very hard to talk to about the big issue - money, our future plans etc - as he clams up and gets really stressed.

He is also massively obsessive about his hobby, which he has now turned into a pretty decent money-making second career, which means his obsession is justifiable now. He is absent from family life SO much because of this, and I feel increasingly distant from him.

He makes it up when he is here to a certain extent - very hands-on with DC, lovely to me (will cook, give me massages, talk and be interested and affectionate)...but its not enough. 80% of the time I'm alone, lonely and feel at the mercy of his agenda.

Because of the unpredictable, self employed nature of his work, I can't plan anything much in advance. No 'Tuesday night I go to the gym' or 'Fridays once a month I see friends'. Everything has to be OK'd against his schedule to see if it fits in. He has about 10 dates booed in in Deceber for Xmas do's before I'd even had a chance to book a single night out, so I had to woe around him as usual.

He is so dynamic and proactive about his life, which I admire and always found attractive about him, but I have suddenly found I feel like a complete spare part and housewife stuck in a rut (I work full time, I have great friends, I'm not some sad case....but I just feel suffocated by HIM and HIS shit). Everything is about him, his career, his hobbies, his ideas. I have morphed in to her indoors. WTF?

Is this my fault? Am I going totally mad? Ive spent Christmas feeling quietly sad about us. I organised everything, the presents, cooked etc. He just turned up and was a jolly and kind but pretty useless addition. He is off at the pub tonight watching football and I feel about 75 years old instead of 40 and really don't want the next decade to be all about him...

Book some couples therapy and give him a copy of wifework to read. You are very clearly last on the list of his priorities ALL the time; no wonder you feel lonely and unhappy

I can understand how you feel, I'm struggling with similar myself at the moment and have been trying to work out why it is I feel so angry and pissed off!

My husband works all hours and has a high salary, I work 4 days a week (also what I would consider a high salary but nowhere near his) and we have 2 kids under 5. 100% of the childcare burden is on me. He will text to say he's going out with work/clients etc with no notice multiple times a week. Or casually drop in that he's going abroad tomorrow for 2 days for work etc (again, happens frequently).

I'm coming to realise that all this really hurts because the subtext is that he's important with an important job and needs to be able to focus 100% on thaf whilst I'm left like a total mug picking up everything else in our lives as well at fitting in working around it. Whenever I've raised it he points out that he earns multiple times what I earn but what chance do I have of getting on in my career when I have 2 small children and zero support at home?

No matter how much he says he values me etc his actions are clearly saying I'm second to him, he is more important and I find it really disrespectful and it makes me feel like a second class citizen in my own family/life!

I'm not sure if that is helpful and sorry if it's long! But maybe it rings true for you too, I've been really confused for so long as to why I'm unhappy and upset so often and it's only recently started to become a bit clearer to me.

It'd make me unhappy.

Your life is sacrificed for his convenience, for his agenda and he's not a bad man per se, he doesn't want you to be unhappy but it's inconvenient for him if you are, so you have accommodated his agenda, always.

I'd be going nuts too

Perhaps if you make a 'demand', ie, from now on I will be..................... and I would like you to be here to hold the fort while I .............. because that is only fair. Then, if he refuses, or agrees but makes you feel very guilty for asking, then you'll have a concrete peg to hang your disatisfaction on, and you won't feel like it's unreasonable to be disatisfied falling in with somebody else's agenda.

I've done it myself, it's too easy for a people pleaser to fall in to this pattern.

My first thought is that you might want to look into assertiveness training. You don't want anything unreasonable, you just seem swamped by everything and have nothing for yourself.
It will enable you to discuss for things effectively - him booking things and assuming you're available at home is wrong, but you are facilitating it, so he carries on.
It will help you to say 'no' and be clearly understood.

I think some regular time out will help you. I understand your son had autism but there are qualified senco type professionals out there who could come and give you a regular break. Look into booking somebody two nights a week. Tuesday and Thursdays can then be your gym nights. Do this 1st and see if it helps. If you have to keep fitting around his schedule then no wonder you are feeling depressed!! Joins gym and get that babysitter sorted. Your kids are older now so you being out 2/3 regular eves a week should be achievable. Once you are doing something for yourself and making new friends it might improve everything else

www.findababysitter.com/advice/special-needs-childcare

I think this is really unfair. Have you actually told him you want equal "you" time? I get how the hobby/work time has crept up on you both but he needs a reality check. If he loves you (and it sounds like he very much does) then he should also want you to be happy and this marriage to work. He hasn't had to compromise on anything for himself. Has it always been that way? No wonder you feel resentful / distant.

Have you spoken to him about any of this? That would be my first port of call before ending the marriage.

Getting reliable support so that you have something to look forward to sounds essential to start with.

His work and achievements sound very visible and rewarded, yours sound torturously hard and invisible. He could not do most of this glamourous stuff without you picking up the slack. He invested lots of time in his hobby which eventually paid off but you invested time too, by the sound of it without being asked.

You must be surrounded by parents who can do a lot more stuff they want to do now that their children are teenagers - but it's not yet possible for you and it's hard to see when it will be. You can't even get to the gym!

I think your marriage sounds more than salvageable but it's not 'you'. Things need to change.

I completely understand why you are unhappy.

You need to talk to your DH. But have a plan.

I.e. don't say "I'd like some time to do things on my own"

Do say "I want to join the running club / book club / gym." Sessions / meetings / classes are at x o'clock each week so you need to be here to look after the kids.

At the weekends when he's around just take off to potter round the shops or watch an afternoon movie by yourself.

My 1st marriage was like this, not a horrible guy at all and very good looking but I never came first, football and his mates did and I ended up feeling like a housekeeper/childminder/income contributor from whom sex was expected . He was young though and I think has made a far better second husband for a very lovely lady who I think is far better matched to him if I’m honest