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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother is an absolute f*cking dickhead since he met his girlfriend

98 replies

SMJYellow · 26/12/2017 21:15

I'm in my 30s and I live at home. I have 3 brothers, 2 live abroad and one at home. He is 26.

This past year has been an absolute mess.

He used to be lovely and sound and we used to get on well. Not anymore.

I first noticed something earlier this year around about February or maybe March. He became quite. A lot of time if he was at home, he would be in his room and on the rare occasion of coming out, he just didn't speak. There was no conversation from him.

I tried but he was just so cold and distant. Any time I tried to talk, there was a grunt but there was a difficulty understanding him.

I thought maybe it would be stress or work related but the quiteness continued on for months so much so, work just can't be the reason for this.

Family were like shit at the end of his shoe. Zero conversation from him towards me and also our mother. He also started giving out to our mother and criticising everything she did. That was the only time he would speak.

This change occurred around about the same time he started dating a girl.

Over the past few months, I noticed something. Any time he went out with his friends, we bore the brunt of his moods in the aftermath of him going out. He would stay in bed all day and whenever he would get up - he would be in a proper mood slamming kitchen presses and he even broke the fridge during one episode.

I suspect the girlfriend might be on his back about him going out with his friends and giving out to him for going out with his friends and maybe 'feeling ignored' for an evening. God knows.

Thing is Christmas has been an absolute mess with his moods. We have one brother at home visiting and me and our mother wanted to try and make it a good one but it was an absolute mess.

My brother who lives at home, went out Friday night with his friends and he didn't come home until Saturday evening. On Sunday morning, Christmas Eve morning, he woke up in a dirty mood.

My mam said to me, please try and ignore that, I bet there is a row going on between him and the girlfriend. Sure enough, I think she is right. My brother was in a mood all day Christmas. He got up for dinner and then went back to bed. Eventually he got up again just to bang around the kitchen. A while later we heard him shouting down the phone having a row. We suspect shouting down the phone to the girlfriend.

This morning he got up and his mood continued.

This is absolutely unbearable. He's gone out again tonight with his friends and no doubt we will bear the brunt of this over the next few more days.

I'm ready to throw him a smack in the gob at this stage.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 26/12/2017 21:59

Sounds like his mood swing is more to do with drugs than anything else.

your mum needs to step up and give him notice to move out if he can't behave like a civilised human being.
why isn't she?

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 21:59

Are you the poster who’s brother does fuck all and pays nothing even though he has a decent job ?

And youvpay half rent to your mother to make up for it or something similar ?

If you are my advice is the same as what you had before. Move out.

offside · 26/12/2017 22:14

Yep you sound childish and yep definitely drugs. Stop blaming the girlfriend for your brothers problems just because you don’t think he could act like this off his own accord and inducement.

You sound like my mother with my brother. Nothing he did was ever him or his fault it was always his friends or his girlfriend when in fact he was a coke addict and she just didn’t want to admit it as he is the prodigal son.

bringbacksideburns · 26/12/2017 23:32

Why is your mother being so passive? The longer she tolerates this pussy footing around him the longer it will go on.

I wouldn't tolerate this from my 17 year son nevermind a grown man living in her home? Confused

She sits him down and she says "I've had enough, this is my home and your moods are unbearable. If you hate living here so much and you can't be civil to us then please move out asap."

Halie · 26/12/2017 23:32

I understand the 'move out' advice but but the tone in which it has been said by some people is unnecessary. I really wish people would understand that it's not always that simple, regardless of age, and that a lot of young adults are in these situations at present. If moving out was an option that they had in the immediate future then I doubt very much that they would be asking for advice here. The tone of "you're 20/30-something, move out!" isn't very kind or helpful and just shows a lack of understanding of the reality of a lot of struggling young adults presently.

Your brother obviously has problems and the family situation sounds dysfunctional so I think the simplest way around it is to treat him like any other housemate you'd have in a flat share. Be civil/polite and stay out of each others way. If that is impossible then don't initiate conversation anymore.

In the meantime, start thinking about how you can move out in future, get some advice (CAB maybe?), get your finances in order and make a plan and set a rough date. The situation sounds unhealthy and dysfunctional and the sooner you can leave, the better, in the meantime just leave him to it and focus on getting your independence.

MistressDeeCee · 27/12/2017 04:30

Well nothing will change if your DM doesn't tell him to get out, will it. So all you can do is move out and move on.

My DM is the same with my DB, a grown man who still lives at home. Not as bad as your DB, but can be VERY snappy and sarcastic. Thankfully I don't live at home - but when I do come across DB I don't put up with his crap..I'm not having it.

It's my DMs issue if she wants all that headache in her elder years. Same for your DM. You're grown - move out and leave them to it

BedtimeTea · 27/12/2017 06:50

I feel sorry for your mother.

ChickenMom · 27/12/2017 07:06

If he’s out drinking that much with his mates then he surely can afford to move out. Your mum should give him notice. It might be the making of him. Time for him to make his own way in the world. You are all enabling him. Tell him he needs to find a house share. He’s behaving like a moody teenager which he isn’t anymore.

WendyWhale · 27/12/2017 07:19

I'm not sure why the OP is being told to move out! He's aggressive and causing trouble at home, he should leave or else their mother will be left with him acting this way

My first thought was excessive drinking and alcoholism, but now others have mentioned drugs that could be a possibility! I constantly seem to be hearing about men his age taking drugs at every opportunity up town and it's really quite worrying. All the ones I know have thousands on credit cards too which won't help.

Get him out of the house

Angelf1sh · 27/12/2017 07:23

This is at least the third thread I’ve read about your brother.

  1. he doesn’t have to talk to you
  2. it’s up to your mum if he pays rent or not, not you. If you think that’s unfair your options are to suck it up or move out because it’s not up to you
  3. your brother is responsible for his own behaviour. By blaming his girlfriend you are excusing him for it. Just as your mother has been.
  4. you really need to move out. Your last thread said you could afford something but it would be small or a flatshare. Do that. You are better off not living with your brother.
  5. this is your mother’s problem to deal with. Without you living there you could have a more objective conversation about his behaviour towards her. Additionally the loss of your rent might prompt her to ask him to pay.
HerrHerrHerr · 27/12/2017 07:32

It’s your mum’s choice to put up with this. You can choose not to put up with this by moving out.

Why must it be a girlfriend’s fault? It’s him who is being an arse!!

MistressDeeCee · 27/12/2017 07:47

WendyWhale - IME many mothers put up with crap from their golden boys, and will allow them to live at home forevermore if need be. I'm not saying this to flame mothers - but I've seen this grown son at home dynamic more than once. Personally that's why I think it's best if OP leaves. I bet DM hasn't and won't ask him to leave

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 27/12/2017 08:31

I'm not sure why the OP is being told to move out!

Because a) it will solve the problem and b) it's literally the only thing OP has control of. She can't make her mother crack down on her brother. She can't change her brothers behaviour herself, she has no leverage. She can fuck off out of there and get her own place. It's the perfect (and only) solution.

What does it matter whether the brother is an arse because of his girlfriend, drinking, drugs, or inherent arsiness? He's unlikely to change anyway especially with a mother tolerating all this and not even charging rent.

maras2 · 27/12/2017 11:10

Does anyone know this girlfriend? Is she real?
I go along with the drug theory.
Do I detect a hint of Irish Mammy? < takes one to know one > Smile

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/12/2017 11:31

I'm thinking cocaine rather than weed, to be honest. All those nights out 'drinking'...I doubt they are just drinking.

What do you want to do, OP? You can't force someone to be nicer, not to you or your mother...maybe if both of you get together you can find a solution.

IfNot · 27/12/2017 11:52

I really wish people would understand that it's not always that simple, regardless of age, and that a lot of young adults are in these situations at present. If moving out was an option that they had in the immediate future then I doubt very much that they would be asking for advice here. The tone of "you're 20/30-something, move out!" isn't very kind or helpful and just shows a lack of understanding of the reality of a lot of struggling young adults presently.
The OP is "in her 30s"..so actually could be 38! Is that still a young adult? I'm only a couple of years older so would like to think so, but sadly I think not.
Of course it's not easy to live in an expensive part of the country ( if this is) on your own, for anyone, young or not, but like pp said, this is the only part of the situation op has control over.
Plus, I feel sorry for the mum.

Original poster
SMJYellow · 27/12/2017 12:48

Thank you for the replies

My brother made a slight effort over the past few weeks. His mood picked up and he was more happy. He spoke a bit to our mam. Conversation was still nil with me though. I was so unbelievably disappointed to see him go back to the way he was. His mood was unbelievably dirty from Saturday right through to yesterday. Yesterday morning was unreal. He got up and he was only just looking for a row, so he was. He was going around banging presses and the fridge and demanding for a clean shirt for later. What sickened me was he had a load of clean shirts hanging up and the very one shirt that was left dirty from a previous wear, was the very short he wanted. My thought was he could not find something else to wear. My mother then nearly fell over herself washing his shirt when he should be doing it himself.

It seems to me my mother very much likes and enjoys the rough treatment from him.

I agree with others in that she is enabling him.

I've tried with him over the past few months and as far as I'm concerned I will have nothing more to say to him from here on in. When I'm gone from here, I want nothing more to do with him either.

I agree with QueenAvris,

I can't change my brother. I can't change my mother. All I can do is change myself and remove myself from this situation and from the home. Leave the two of them at it. She enjoys the abuse from him from what I can see.

OP posts:
MaudlinMews · 27/12/2017 13:20

He sounds misserable and entitled and your morher is enabling him.

what are presses?

Original poster
SMJYellow · 27/12/2017 13:33

Cupboards. The doors went slamming along with the fridge and freezer doors

OP posts:
Original poster
SMJYellow · 27/12/2017 13:35

He came home a short while ago from last night taking his hi in behind him and going straight to his room. There wasn't even as much as a hello towards me or our mother.

He doesn't pay a penny towards bills and all he's going to do is treat the place like a brothel until they decide to move again. I'm at my wits end.

He's a bad mannered prick.

OP posts:
yesiamgoingtoeatthat · 27/12/2017 14:41

Taking his what in behind him?

Original poster
SMJYellow · 27/12/2017 14:50

Sorry yesiamgoingtoeatthat, I didn't notice I left out a word until you pointed it out to me.

Taking his girlfriend in behind him.

OP posts:
SullyandMe · 27/12/2017 14:54

Literally everything about your post screams cokehead

Does he hashtag all his photos with #seshlife and say shit like “I didn’t choose the sesh life it chose me” Hmm

NerrSnerr · 27/12/2017 14:55

Your obsession with him and his girlfriend is odd. How is him having her in his room doing whatever they want like treating the house as a brothel? The use of the word brothel is very strange.

SkySmiler · 27/12/2017 16:08

I'm thinking drugs too... coke comedowns