Christmas !

[boden1]

Ok so I recently split with my boyfriend of 1& 1/2 years over the fact he was too busy to make me a priority. We got back together two weeks before Christmas and then Christmas Day... he gave me a pair of socks ( the same present as four other of his god children). He said he hadn’t had time to get me anything. It’s sent me into a meltdown. Not because I wanted an expensive present ( a cheap but thoughtful one would have done) but just because he couldn’t be bothered, I’m never going to be a priority for him.

I'm assuming you spent the day together, imo men are shit at buying presents and leave it til the last minute, my ex and I never bought presents for each other, we just used to spend a day doing something nice together after Christmas, our present to each other.
On the other hand I was once with so.eone who bought amazing presents but treated me like shit, I know what I would prefer.

If you only got back together two weeks before Christmas it’s a bit much to expect any gift TBH.

If he is too busy to give you what you want from a relationship why did you get back together at all?

I kind of agree with Offred here. Two weeks is not a lot of notice to buy somebody a present and he may not have had a pay day between then. I’m kind of of the opinion that he at least thought of you and got you something rather than nothing at all.

I also agree with the sentiment of spending time together is a gift to each other. ‘D’P told me not to get anything this year - I’ve just had a burglary and spent all my spare money on security for the house - so I guessed same applied to him that he wouldn’t buy gifts. I was just thrilled with having Christmas Eve with him and waking up together Christmas morning before we went to our families. He did surprise me with a very generous gift but that’s besides the point. I just wanted him. He’s a busy guy too and his gift of his time meant more to me than a present.

Two weeks is plenty of time to buy a gift - most men don’t even start shopping until then!

Yes, thoughtless - giving you nothing would have been better than just socks. Honestly if he hasn’t set foot in a shop or gone onto Amazon at all in two weeks what has he been doing?!

He’s showing you exactly how much effort he’s prepared to put into winning your heart back.

Cut your losses.

And while spending time together means something, it is also dependant on how many options he had! For my DP to spend time with me it involves some sacrifice on his part as he has DCs and DBs who would also love to be with him, so to make a bit of time for the two of us means a lot. If your fella is young free and single, if he doesn’t care much about being with his parents or other family, then spending time at Xmas with his GF is nice, but isn’t a huge sign of commitment.

Two weeks may or may not be enough time depending on how busy someone is, as others said money may also be an issue.

However the time is not really what I was meaning, it’s that if someone dumped me then decided to get back with me two weeks before Christmas I wouldn’t particularly feel like getting them an amazing gift. I’d probably get something small, I probably wouldn’t want to spend much time together at Christmas either, because I wouldn’t be particularly sure of the relationship.

Yes I was pleased he spent the evening with me after staying with his ex wife and children Christmas Eve and most of the day.
I’m of the opinion it takes half an hour to go into a shop and buy something. He managed to get his ex wife something. I have been rushed off my feet setting up s new business and I managed to buy him gifts, funny thing the internet, makes life pretty easy imho!!!

I think maybe some men just aren’t bothered and don’t think like women do? I buy people I love gifts from the heart. It’s a token of my affection and love.

Nothing to do with the it’s monetary value!

You are wasting time on a tf (thoughtless fucker) - don't tar all men as my dh gets me very thoughtful small gifts and is indeed a thoughtful man in general. Sounds like he isn't as invested in your relationship as you would like /prefer /think /hope.
Maybe 2018 us the time to find someone more on your wavelength.

Dump him OP he’s not changed.

Of course two weeks is enough to buy a Christmas gift , does he really not have a tenner to spare and access to the internet or a boots /Tesco/ primark near him ?

Fed up of the “men are rubbish at gifts” “men always leave it to the last minute” shite. That’s what people tell themselves to excuse poor husband/partner behaviour

It’s not hard to make the effort whether you’re a man or not. Men have the same brains as us women, they too are aware that Christmas is on the 25th of December, and anyone who is half organised or wants to make an effort will make sure the gifts are purchased before the day

Stop exusing him OP
If he was a new boyfriend and you’d been together only 2 weeks then yeah fair enough.

My partner has never turned up with just a pair of socks. We got back together last December yet he still managed to buy me proper gifts.

If someone wants to make the effort they will. If they don’t, they won’t. But please stop saying men are rubbish at gift buying because they’re not, only poorly organised people are and women can fall into catagory as well

I wasn’t meaning to tarnish all men with the same brush. I have friends who’s husbands are fab. I just think women overall are more emotional in that respect.

You haven’t answered my question OP.

If he is too busy to give you what you want from a relationship why did you get back together?

A significant amount of men are socialised to be thoughtless and selfish, a significant amount of women are socialised to take on responsibilities that men are perfectly capable of. This has no bearing at all on whether women have to put up with thoughtless and selfish behaviour from men.

He doesn’t give you what you want from a relationship, I suggest rather than wasting energy on an endless cycle of disappointment followed by making excuses for him, you simply end the relationship.

I think you were probably expecting a lot from this Christmas because you had split up due to his lack of effort and, having got back with him, you were expecting him to demonstrate that he had listened to you.

He’s not going to suddenly change into a different person. The pattern of your relationship is one where he doesn’t make you a priority, you want a partner who makes you a priority - you are incompatible.

I do still think though that having recently been dumped he’s not out of order to not make a big deal of gift giving at christmas.

I got back with him because I love him. In every other respect we get on great. I love him and that has never been in dispute. I am just fed up with him hurting me. I am an option not a priority. It hurts. He has told me he understands and it will change. I guess I am a fool for hoping and waiting.

Offered - I think there’s something between “ making a big deal of gift giving “ and a pair of socks.

Eg a toiletries / perfume gift set , nice choccies, seasonal plant arrangement, bottle of fizz, scarf and gloves.

I don’t think much of any adult man who buys his god children socks. Unless they are super cool and funny novelty sock accompanied by chocolate and a gift voucher. Which I’m guessing they were not as the OP didn't mention this .

You love him. He hurts you.

He bought you a pair of socks. He bought his ex a proper present.

You say you'll never be a priority for him.

You need to get rid of him. He's reduced your self-esteem and made you unhappy. The feeling you have for him isn't love - it might be obsession or addiction, but it's not love.

Why do you love someone who hurts you?

NB I am aware there is a gulf between ‘big deal’ gift giving and socks, it’s more that I am trying to highlight that the OP was expecting him to be a different person this Christmas after she dumped him and then got back with him. In reality he is still the same person and he has continued to act in the same way, though I can understand someone not wanting to bother with someone who has messed them around by dumping them taking it back just before Christmas too.

Yes I understand he probably didn’t want to bother after I’d split with him three months previously then got back with him just before Christmas. He’s a very intelligent man and I’m guessing he’s still angry with me for ending it, hence the impersonal gift.

Oh and Allison he didn’t just give them socks! He gave them perfume and fluffy socks.... I helped wrap them with him. The socks he gave me were the leftover pair. 😝

Glad to hear they got perfume too.

And you got the leftovers . It’s a metaphor for what your life will be like if you stay with him .

Dump him - What a knob head !!

He gives you socks but knows clearly what you like (your 1.5 yrs together previously) should have
helped the decision.

Clearly you are last on his priority list.

Why do all these threads have several comments of the "most men don't buy presents until the last minute"?

I'm a man. My shopping, bar one present, was done by 9th December.

He’s a very intelligent man and I’m guessing he’s still angry with me for ending it, hence the impersonal gift.

Erm what's intelligence got to do with it? Completely irrelevant.

Plus you think he's going to be sniping at you bcs you ended it? Yuk if so.

How cruel to involve you in the presents for his godchildren then chuck you a pair of socks left over. Especially when he got his ex a proper present.

He's always going to hurt you.