How do you get over betrayal?

[Ofthread]

The relationship is ended. My ex is now having a relationship with one of my friends. We had a twelve year relationship, I wanted children and he refused. I know, I know, I should have left him, I know this, but I got so depressed and felt that there was something wrong with me, I couldn't see a way out of it. The thing is I am just not getting over this betrayal, I feel like I've been beaten up and I just can't get over it, it's still as fresh as the day I found out. How do people get over these things? Or do you just accept that this it what it feels like for the rest of your life?

I don't know how far along you are, but I am several years down the line and it still feels like yesterday.

For me, the overriding feelings are absolute shock, disbelief and humiliation, even now. The severity of the reaction has changed me as a person forever I think, and I have gone from always seeing the good in people to always assuming the worst. I doubt I will trust anyone again.

Nobody would know any of this of course, after the first few months you have to pretend you're fine because people expect you to be over it.

People further on than me do say that the feelings stay with you but diminish over time to bearable levels, and that it also helps to move your own life on. I think the mantra is to keep busy, look after yourself and wait for time to do its thing.

It's one of the reasons why affairs are so shitty, so much cruelty and lasting hurt heaped on the innocent party who has to stop showing hurt after a relatively short time or risk being considered mad or bitter.

Did he cheat on you or start this relationship once you two were finished?

Thanks for replying Rainy, I am six months on from finding out. I'm not surprised to hear what you say, sadly. It does feel like it isn't ever going away. Shame, humiliation, grief, the foundations of my world crumbled. Somehow it goes much deeper than the relationship, it's like it has shaken my faith in the world. The world is a different place, a much sadder place. I know I'm sounding dramatic but I really do feel these things.

Cricrichan, he is denying that it started before we were finished but, looking back, I can see that it was already going on somehow, I was even suspicious at the time. We were friends but he would always go out of his way to see her on his own. Also, this is really bad, I had confided in her about another affair he had had, while it was still going on, and she became overly invested in it and kept bringing it up every time I saw her.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this op. I do think your feelings are entirely normal. The only people who would describe them as overdramatic are people who have never experienced it I think.

Maybe some counselling might help? It didn't help me particularly but many on here swear by it. It was good to talk to someone impartial, and who I didn't worry about boring.

Ultimately, time is the only thing that will help. Keep busy and take good care of yourself while it passes; remember that the best revenge is a life well lived

I don't completely know as I don't think I'm fully over it now. Especially to be lied to in such a minipulative way by the person I trusted 100% and loved with all my heart. But I think time has a lot to play (2 1/2 years for me). I can see a future. I can see that not everyone is like my ex. I can move on and forward. But still a little bit of me is so angry still (the betrayal and mind game to cover it up was by far the most hurtful thing). Still i doubt my own judgment on potential new dp's. And i do wounder if i will ever trust some 100% again (or even if any ome should trust another 100%). And I still find it hard fully commit because of that. But time has been a great healer and hopefully it will continue to keep healing.

NC for this.

You don't ever get over it. You get through it. Eventually. Four years on for me and still waiting for that shiny white light at the end of the tunnel. It's changed me forever. So much easier to cope when I just sink into a "i don't give a shit" mode. I'll never trust again. I know that for certain. It changes you irrevocably. I just won't go there (100% trust). Good luck to you OP. You'll get through it eventually. Through, not over.

I've never got over it. I don't think I ever will. I will never trust anyone or have a relationship again and I am actually ok with that because it feels safer. I didn't think it was possible for someone to treat another person so badly and so blatantly as he did. It was in my face and I was aggressively forced to accept it. He thought it was even funny sometimes. How could I trust anyone again when I know how badly someone could behave?

You don't get over it. You will come to terms with it in time but you won't ever forget. You need to think only of yourself now and move on. For myself I have never expected as much from anybody other than me ever again. Avoids disappointment and means you can just get on with the rest of YOUR life.

So sorry op and others that have been through it. I agree that it completely changes you as a person. I think if he could betray me after so many years then when can you really trust. It broke me tbh. I agree on the keeping busy and looking after yourself for you not for any man.

It will diminish over time.
Keep busy (I sorted out cupboards, rearranged my airing cupboard, steam cleaned my hall for hours and hours). Anything to distract from reality.

I am a year and a half on, and yes I still miss him, but mostly I grieve for what could have/should have been if he wasn't such a cunt.

You trust someone, let down your walls, let someone in, and they abuse that gift in the most horrendously painful way.
It's been some time and I still cannot bear the thought of intimately kissing another man, or even being in a relationship. It's too hard for me now to not believe all men aren't the same.
Another thing I hate him for, but I'm determined to get over that one. He will not ruin any future relationships as well.

Good luck and take each day as it comes.

I saw a hypno-psychotherapist and it helped me amazingly. It really really helped me see my relationship clearly and how I ended up with a nasty narcissistic cheating bastard in the first place and one session we did was to cut through the emotional tie I felt to him. Afterwards felt calm and relaxed and haven't looked back ever since. I've just got better and better. Now I cam think of him and even when he does something twatty or I catch him out lying about something in relation to our youngest I just think meh!

If it helps, she knows she’s with a double cheater. She’ll be looking over her shoulder for the whole time until he does it to her anyway.

You have to forgive & let go for your sake. Hatred is like swallowing poison & expecting the other person to die.

You have been through a tough time and my experience doesn’t quite match up but similar.

I had to build myself up. I go on courses, I have to have something on the go.

The anger is still there and it can surprise me at times - similar to a wave of grief.

However, with time & distance & bit of CBT talking to myself it has become easier.

Like Reflexella said however much progress you make be prepare for anger and/or grief to pop up out the blue at any (and sometimes most inconvenient times). I would probably be a bit more optimistic than some with my long prognosis. I am completely different than 2 years ago. So it follows that if this rate of progress continues the future is bright. I think the wounds will heal but there will always be scares, reminders of that hurt. I want to get to a stage where I can let down my walls. Don't want to be dominated by mistrust, paranoia and fear. I could not enter a relationship on these conditions. But unlike before I know this involves risks so need to be careful. I will never be 100% but sure I can witg time be enough ok to love again and not let past experiences sabotage my future (maybe). That's my hope anyway.

The first step is to take the relationships off a pedestal, the fact is you should have left earlier. It sounds life you hid in a relationship that wasn't working and maybe a big part of the sting is that realisation, you invested way too much and it didn't pay off.

My betrayal was being assaulted by my Ex and for me, letting go was accepting that what I'd 'lost' wasn't all that and if it wasn't for the act of betrayal, I could still be with him.

Change the narrative, you weren't betrayed you were released from a shitty relationship that was slowly killing your spirit. As for your friend, she knows who he is and despite the denial, a big part of her will be waiting for history to repeat itself. Screwing someone over to get the booby prize will always leave an aftertaste.

It's a process and it will take time, be kind to yourself.

I also feel the betrayal has changed me for ever. I was with my exH for over 20 years. It turned out he cheated on me throughout, the first time (he will admit to) when my oldest DC was a baby.

I'm 5 years on now and whilst in many ways life is better as he was a nasty self important man child, I don't ever want another relationship and I keep everyone at arms length.

I can't get over the feeling that I wasted all my youth with a man who actually despised me and that he obtained a whole marriage and a family by deception and I should have been hell of a lot smarter. I am still furious with both him and myself and I can't trust my judgment of people any more.

Doesn't help that he is still a twunt who is still arguing with me over money and still behaving like a shit to oldest DC instead of just fucking off into the sunset with his new wife. If I could go back and erase him from my life at the push of a button I so would!

I always get mixed feelings on these threads. It's comforting somehow to know it's normal to still be suffering, but sad that other people are hurting so much.

I think it's one of the only ways someone can hurt you and get away with it. I remember that it felt a million times worse than when I was mugged, or when my house was burgled, but it's not a crime and no one cares really.

I feel like I must've been stupid and gullible, that it must be easy to lie to me. Consequently I don't trust people or take them at face value. I think I'm probably quite paranoid actually.

Some of the advice here is good. It is hard to reframe something so hurtful as a positive but I guess we should all be glad to be free of these people, and I do think you always have to have hope and optimism that things will work out for you in the end.

I have all of these feelings too. 18 months on. The grief and anger comes in like a massive wave too. Anger to him and my ex friend. I pretend I am ok all the time but I'm not. I have great difficulty with the issue of neutrality as well. My friend recently said to me that she wants to stay friends with all of us. I have been very honest and said that I can't do that as her acceptance of how he has treated me is to me like she is condoning his behaviour. And actually I think that he views it like this too. He and his girlfriend are happy with neutrality but I am not.

I'm 16 months on from d-day and I don't trust men anymore. I'm also another one who also doesn't trust their judgment. Relationships are too emotionally draining I just can't be arsed with menchildren and having to compromise with them anymore.

And everyone knows about 'forgiveness' and 'letting go', but how you actually do that is a mystery.

Make a lost of all the shitty things he/she did to you including betrayal and be thankful you no longer need to put up with it.

Two cheaters hooking up won't bode well for the future.

So for me it wasn't a loss it was a gain .Took a while to work it out.

What have you lost? A person who is disloyal, dishonest, disrespectful, cowardly, devious, selfish, fake, has no dignity, no integrity.......and because of these traits will lie about your relationship to them and everyone who will listen. More lies, because they need to manage their impression to everyone else. Therefore they have a fear of being judged. Not a nice place to be. Fear of ridicule, fear of people talking the truth about them.
Was having sex with you as well as other person, so has already cheated on them and what does that say about the other person?

What have you gained? You are more worthy of a person like this in your life.

They have done you a big favour. Shake yourself down and fing that authenticity that you really are.
HTH

I can relate to so much in this thread and I find it really sad that others are going through it. It's hard isn't it, like others said if you haven't been through it it's easy to judge and tell someone to move on and start trusting again.

I feel the same, I feel that my worldview was changed. I wouldn't say I was naive and innocent before but I was a different person, lighter in some way. I won't be the same after being betrayed in the way I was.

I also feel I don't trust my own judgement and it makes me feel a bit mad these days, I don't want to get close to anyone and have distanced myself from people. I just get through each day as best I can but I'm not happy, just numb. (did only happen 3 months ago) I can't imagine being close to a man again how I was with my ex-fiance.

I to have been betrayed after 22 years of marriage. Earlier this year in May I found out he was sleeping with prostitues. Funny thing is I suspected he was up to something a few months before but never in my wildest dreams did I think would’ve been this.
Somebody posted a letter addressed to me telling me of his diry deeds. When I confronted him he tried denying and eventually admitted that he had paid for sex on 7/8 occasions but only did it as blamed his work colleagues as they were all at it.
7 months on were still together as he said he regretted what he did and would make up to me. I personally for sake of my 3 girls who don’t know to this day tried. I didn’t and still haven’t made it easy for him. Not a day goes by when I don’t question him or myself why.
Time is a healer in the sense that you learn how to handle and cope as I hit rock bottom and took 2 overdoses and self inflicted harm.
I wouldn’t do that now in my head i am more stable but I can
Have my random outbursts however you will never forget or forgive just learn to cope with it.