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Original poster

Please can I ask how you and your ex manage this, re children?

31 replies

Dieu · 24/12/2017 23:37

Hi. Not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here, but I'm sure you'll tell me if I am Smile
Ex husband/father of my children has the kids every second weekend. I always pack them a bag, and they bring the dirty clothes back home at the end. Fine.
So he had them this weekend, and dropped them off tonight. Prior to the weekend, I had asked him not to send them back with the dirty laundry, and politely requested that he do it at his (for once). Reason being that he will have more spare time than me over the holiday, as I have the children for most of the holiday, and it will be full-on. Plus we are going away for a couple of days from Christmas Day, and I didn't really want to deal with a load of dirty washing. Also, the kids' presents are done at mine, and the house will be a total riot anyway!
He had messaged me back to say that this was a bizarre request, that he had never had to do their washing on previous weekends, and wasn't about to start. I very calmly replied that this was fine, but that he should buy them clothes for his place, as I wouldn't be packing any more bags or doing their laundry from his time with them.
Kids arrived back a few hours ago with, unsurprisingly, their unwashed clothing from the weekend.
Am I being petty? Is he a 1950s arse? And how do you and your ex manage this situation?
It is Christmas Eve, so any kind and supportive replies would be much appreciated (although I don't mind being respectfully told if I'm in the wrong!).
Many thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dieu · 24/12/2017 23:41

I should also add that I didn't expect him to do the washing during his weekend with the children, and that he could have just done it afterwards and returned it whenever.

OP posts:
Christmasaurus · 24/12/2017 23:41

By weekend do you mean literally he has them Saturday - Sunday? If so in all honesty I don’t really see there’s be much time for doing laundry.
We only generally wash dsds clothes she she’s here for longer than a weekend. When she was younger we used to keep a couple of spare bits of clothes for her here but now she’s nearly a teenager we don’t, other than emergency spare underwear!

Original poster
Dieu · 24/12/2017 23:43

Thanks for your reply, but I suspect you posted at the same time as my last post as above!

OP posts:
Itsalottery · 24/12/2017 23:44

He is being unfair but I'm not sure that you're going to be able to change him so you might just have to let it go for your own sake. My ex does normally do our dd washing if he's had her for longer, generally not if only a night. However we have a pretty good relationship. It wasn't always this way and we had the same sort of arguments you are talking about at the start. I did insist he had clothes for her that stayed at his. This can work when they're little but not so much as they get older and more picky about what they wear and when.

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 24/12/2017 23:44

Alternate weekends split school holidays and alternate Christmas

He has his own clothes for them there and I get duplicate medication for their chronic conditions to keep some there to save it being lost in transit.

Original poster
Dieu · 24/12/2017 23:46

We also take turns to take the children on a 2 week summer holiday on alternate years. After his holiday with them, he will hand me back their dirty washing from the entire trip. I can only imagine his reaction if I did the same to him, following my time away with them! Shock Maybe it's just how it is for the main carer, I don't know, but it does seem unbalanced to me.

OP posts:
Itsalottery · 24/12/2017 23:48

It is unfair and he certainly should do the holiday washing but whether you'll be able to make him is unclear

Original poster
Dieu · 24/12/2017 23:50

Thanks also for the earlier replies. It's really interesting for me to hear how others make this work. I can sometimes feel a bit on my own with this stuff, and it's good to hear others' perspectives and experiences. I know it's a fairly trivial matter, but I do feel annoyed and am fed up of having him trample over me and my feelings.

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 24/12/2017 23:52

I bet that's why he's your ex.

I'd forget about it. Honestly the more you ask the more he'll enjoy upsetting you.

Original poster
Dieu · 24/12/2017 23:52

To be fair to him, he would have been going straight back to work after a 2 week holiday, whereas until recently I was a stay-at-home mum. However I am now working full-time, so am starting to question the whole situation ... and the inequality of it!

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 23:53

His response has me kinked up with laughter!! He has his kids 2 nights a fortnight and thinks it’s bizarre that he should be expected to take on their laundry for the time he is parenting them? What planet is he on? Oh yes, earth of course, where women are expected to make life as easy as possible for their male exes because poor diddums couldn’t be expected to shove some clothes in the machine.

He’s a prick OP. Go forward as you have stated, you will no longer be providing clothes for his house. Nor will you be washing anything he buys and sends them in. He’s a grade A knob.

Original poster
Dieu · 24/12/2017 23:55

So true ferriswheel. I have actually been in tears at annoyance with myself sometimes, because I've asked him to do something (reasonable) and he has refused. It's like I keep expecting better of him and never fucking learn. Well now I have to accept it for what it is, for the sake of my sanity.
Still a bit undecided about what to do about the situation from the weekend. I don't want to back down particularly, but he will get extremely arsey if I don't send them with clothes. And I don't want to upset the children either. He truly is a dick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dieu · 24/12/2017 23:56

Thanks Donny!

OP posts:
Offred · 24/12/2017 23:59

X1 I send clothes and wash them when they come home as he is BPD and it is not worth the difficulty of having that argument.

X2 they have their own clothes there but he is very territorial about ‘his’ clothes/other stuff not coming here whereas I always say to the kids they don’t need to ask me to take stuff I get them to his because it belongs to them not me and therefore we are in a bit of a PA dance over it where he washes and returns clothes/other stuff to mine.

Original poster
Dieu · 25/12/2017 00:02

Argh, that's a difficult one Offred. It seems there are no easy answers, except perhaps in cases where there is amicable co-parenting going on. That's all I've ever wanted with my ex, but he makes it impossible.

OP posts:
Offred · 25/12/2017 00:05

I don’t mind re x1 as there are bigger battles.

Re x2 I kind of find it funny now that we are separated. He’s very PA generally and i’m now just waiting to see how long he will pointedly wash and return things before he actually communicates with me 😂

Based on past history he will never discuss it.

Offred · 25/12/2017 00:07

But yes, these kinds of things are never really about clothes or washing. They are about power games and if someone is inclined to play power games the best thing you can do is take the option that best reduces stress.

Shankarankalina · 25/12/2017 00:08

Hmmm. I get this a lot too. It's like endless packing and unpacking for holidays (which I HATE), except it's fortnightly, and it's not a holiday. So I have to remember the gun shields and the shin guards and the boots and the ballet tights, which I pack clean, and end up unpacking grimy.

But worse is I have to wash/shower the children too as he still hasn't managed to buy a plug for the bath in his place. He doesn't even clip their nails.

tumblrpigeon · 25/12/2017 00:08

Yes he should wash the clothes.
Why does he see so little of his children ?

Original poster
Dieu · 25/12/2017 00:10

He sees them twice through the week too, as he has them for dinner at his place for 3 hours or so. It's just that the overnights are every second weekend.

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 25/12/2017 00:11

Generally I pack a bag with a change of clothes for each visit. Ex will wash whatever they are wearing and bring it back when he next collects them. He only returns dirty stuff if I tell him I need it back quickly.

Offred · 25/12/2017 00:12

Some options;

  • don’t send clothes next time
  • buy clothes that they can keep there
  • send some clothes you already have there
  • keep sending clothes and washing them

Let go of any idea that a father who only sees the EOW and CBA to do washing or providing them with clothes is going to coparent.

Bouledeneige · 25/12/2017 00:16

XH and I both have supplies of clothes, PJs etc and so they rarely needed a bag packed either way - unless they choose to take stuff they particularly wanted (they are older teens now).

The first thing I advised him to do with the kids after the split was to take them to choose night time snuggly toys and PJs, duvet covers etc for his house so he involved them in making their new home. It minimises the need for swapping stuff and helps make both house home. Advise him to do the same then no packed bags or dirty clothes exchange is needed.

Mind you, my kids were at their Dad's a bit more - every other weekend, every Wednesday and alternate Mondays. It only seemed fair to him. It makes everything much more shared. Though be warned when they get older it all goes higgledy piggedy.... They don't like the routine of swapping so much when they've got tons of GCSE revision books to haul from one place to the other.

BackInTheRoom · 25/12/2017 00:19

Don't pack anymore clothes but politely tell him before his weekend so he can prep mentally. Don't feel bad about it because it's very practical and the kids might enjoy shopping for clothes.

ChocolateAddict93 · 25/12/2017 00:22

Instead of packing a bag, I'd resend the dirty laundry he recently sent back so that he had to wash it during their next stay! YANBU OP, he's being a twat.

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