An epic tale of stupidity and now I'm stuck

[KM2468]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. One 6 yr old who is amazing. I own our home and pay for everything - literally everything you could think of, work ft and have a healthy career which financially should stand our family in a good position.
However, my partner is in and out of work, blames getting the sack on other people's attitudes when it's clearly his work ethic. He has never made any attempts to contribute financially to the daily living costs since his argument is I can afford it on my own.
I bail him out constantly with late payments, parking fines, car repairs...so I'm definitely the idiot in this situation.
We were settled for a time and decided to try and add to our family. At this point it became clear we had a problem - in this case it was medically with him. He confessed he had taken steroids - his looks and gym time is also a massive part of his life. He's there nightly and sulks if he's at home.
The outcome from the hospital was devastating. The hardest part was feeling resentful that his selfishness to taking something unnecessary had impacted on our whole life. To cut a long story short and by some miracle - we didn't asked for help from the NHS - there are more deserving people than him. After 4 years I am now 32 weeks pregnant. I again stupidly assumed since he begged for second baby more than me he would be excited. But nothing...no interest at all.
If anything he has become even lazier, self absorbed and miserable. I'm am really attracted to him but he's a massive prick so I spend most of the time resenting him.
I've tried every tactic under the sun the get him to understand how I feel...unloved, disrespected and irrelevant to his life. I can't say he's not a good dad, but our child rarely sees him.
I've spoken calmly, screamed, cried, written it down everything and nothing changes.
I asked him to leave and he just tells me he can't afford to go anywhere and would end up on the streets (he's also very dramatic). He makes me responsible for every aspect of his life and I feel like his mum.
I'm determined both our children will have both parents but I can't keep up pretending a one way relationship is what I want. Help? I don't know what to do?

I can't say he's not a good dad, but our child rarely sees him.

He's not a good dad, ffs. No good dad treats the mother of his children so badly and is so disengaged. What was he telling you all the years you were trying for this second child, when it was clear he was using you as a gravy train and had no interest in you or your existing child?

I don't know, if you own the house yourself I don't see why you can't legally make him leave. Give him notice and then change the locks when he's out if he doesn't go.

I'm not sure what you want OP...

You can see the man is useless yet you persevered and are now 32 weeks pregnant for a feckless excuse of a man.

Being determined your children have both parents sentences them to a life of conflict and unhappiness with a father who is woefully unable and unwilling to commit to the job.

If I were you? I'd leave him pregnant or not and concentrate on making my life without him.

What she's he add to your life? You're putting up with a lot of shit just because you fancy him as far as I can work out.

What does he add. Fucking autocorrect.

He’s a terrible dad and a terrible partner. Yes steroids change your personality if you misuse them, but that’s his fault so I don’t really view that as mitigation.

TBH I’d let him end up on the streets, he clearly doesn’t give a rats arse about you.

Sounds like you'd manage just fine without this drug taking freeloader.

He sounds totally selfish and self-absorbed. I would say you'd be better off in every respect if you didn't have him in your life - especially as you resent him. He has made his choices in respect of what he contributes - and that appears to be nothing at all. Fancying someone isn't enough to make the rest worth putting up with. And he is still only thinking about himself when he bleats that he'd be on the streets. He won't man-up, ever, or be the partner you need.

I'm determined both our children will have both parents

Why? Seems like a futile plan to me.

Agree with PPs.
He brings nothing positive to your life.
You are better off on your own than with this freeloading user.
I'm a single parent. I broke up with DD's father when she was 4 days old. Financially, we were destitute. She's eight now and we couldn't be happier. FWIW, breaking up is easier on the children the younger they are.
Don't trap yourself further with this man. You really will be better off on your own and sounds like you'll be able to manage financially-even more so without having to pay for him.

Do you really want to waste your life on this guy?!

He can't afford anywhere? That's his problem, not yours.

I'm determined both our children will have both parents

Your existing child doesn't because you don't control everything and you can't make this man into a parent or even an adult.

It will be infinitely better for your children to grow up in a home without resentment, a home where the balance of responsibility is not so utterly skewed.

Imagine the worst happens and you can't work for a period of time. If you've still got this millstone tied around your neck at that point you are going to go under. He categorically will not step up.

You've made your mistake and you will have to live with the consequences of it - you don't need to keep making it over and over again.

Thank you for your replies. I'm annoyed at myself for being so gutless. Yes house is mine but he tells a great tale of woe when he gets going.
It feels like such a long time ago since I was on my own, i suppose it's fear of the unknown.
Thank you again, I guess I just needed confirmation of my own thoughts and you fab listeners have given me that. Don't get me wrong I'm over heartbroken and sad and now I'm just an angry pregnant lady on the verge of imploding with rage.
Perhaps Christmas eve with an excited child isn't the best time to get brave but you've just given me the reality check I needed! X

It feels like such a long time ago since I was on my own

You're on your own right now. You've just got someone leeching off it.

Leave him and find someone who loves you and the dc

He wanted another child to keep you trapped

He needs to go!

Where he goes is up to him, you can't carry him and the kids and the mortgage etc forever

There's nothing in this for you

The kids will know you're unhappy, is this how you want your son to treat his future partner?

Of course he's not a good dad.

Are you married? If not you can kick him out if needed

Maybe not, but the New Year is a fantastic time for fresh starts

Yes! I like this!

OP you’ve only yourrself to blame , hard to have any sympathy

You’re not married? If so, good news financially for you. You will only be better off financially without him and a lot of women don’t have this advantage when separating. From a practical perspective this will make things easier and, as others has said, you’re currently in a worse position that on your own as you are carrying him as well as being alone.

You're absolutely right. I do only have myself to blame. I'm rapidly learning from my mistakes. I simply asked for a bit of advice and wanted an unbiased view; I appreciate yours. Merry Christmas.

I looked back dreading that he was your husband but when I saw he was only your partner I cheered. You can ask him to leave. Tell him new year he needs to find somewhere. perhaps someone at the gym can put him up. Give him notice, make sure you text it or email it so that there is a clear date. send reminders, dont get drawn into discussion, and if he wont go, call the police.

a rubbish dad who treats you disrespectfully gives a really shit impression to your kids. They will form their own view of 'normal' based around what they see at home. I had a partner like this and I just didnt want my daughter to grow up and think it was OK. Didnt want her to be treated the same way and think it was fine. Life is so much better without her dad. Her dad shouted and raged at someone in the street when she was with him and she was really scared (she doesnt see him any more) but thats good. she SHOULD be scared by someone behaving badly. If we had stayed together that would have just been water off a ducks back, nothing to even think about.
Its better for your kids to have minimal contact with someone so clearly uninterested and dysfunctional that to have them as a full time parent. Often no dad is far far better than a rubbish dad

Do not marry this man. Kick him out and make him stand on his own two feet. He’s using you for your earning ability. You know that right? If he’s made to look after himself then the excessive gym time and steroids will have to go and he’ll have to hold down a job. That’s the dad your kids deserve. Right now, you are totally enabling him. It’s not healthy, it’s not fair on you and it doesn’t set a good role model for your kids. If you are feeling particularly generous you could offer to pay a months rent on a flat for him (to get him out) and then it’s down to him. If he’s big enough to put that crap in his body then he’s big enough to keep a roof over his head.