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Original poster

Normal?

27 replies

Hail34013 · 24/12/2017 14:57

My ex-wife legally adopted our daughters first son,(now 15) our daughter went on to have two other sons and brought them up., The first son knows this, and it probably makes him wonder why she couldn't keep him. (he has never had contact with his natural father)
This is quite enough to cause him problems obviously, but my concern now is how he has been brought up by my ex. He was diagnosed with autism, which gave my ex disability benefits of course. I'm not so sure there's anything that wrong with him, except his upbringing by my ex. She was always very controlling and possessive and I think this has caused most of the boys problems. He has no social skills at all, (it's difficult to get anymore than a yes / no answer from him), he has no friends that he see's outside of school, I believe she discourages him to make friends, She takes him to school every day (a 10 minute walk), she keeps him off school for minor ailments or if she is too ill to take him to school! He spends all of his time with her, it's all a very unnatural way to raise a child and I believe it's caused him much damage. The rest of the family feel the same, but if any of us were to challenge her a major family rift would ensue...... any advice / ideas please?

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 24/12/2017 15:16

Yes - learn about autism and stop making ridiculous comments. The child has been diagnosed with autism, your ex wife didn’t cause it.

Original poster
Hail34013 · 24/12/2017 15:49

I do know all about autism, and I also know he didn't start off this way.....

OP posts:
swingofthings · 24/12/2017 15:49

When was he diagnosed with autism? How long have you been separated? Have you brought him up as his dad? Depending on your involvement with the teenagers, it's hard to advise on what you can do.

Angelf1sh · 24/12/2017 15:54

If you know about autism you’ll know that autistic traits are not always evident until two or three years old. People who are neurodivergent are born that way, not made that way.

Lovemusic33 · 24/12/2017 16:00

A lot of autism traits are not as visible until a child gets older and they may develop new traits at any point in their life. Many children and adults with autism suffer from mental health issues and of course the fact he has been through more than your average child could make his autism more sever. I don’t think the way he has been raised is the reason for his autistic tendencies though. Raising a child with autism isn’t easy, I know with my dc’s I am probably slightly over protective of them due to their autism but I don’t cause their autistic behaviours.

Original poster
Hail34013 · 24/12/2017 16:30

Thanks for the input, what worries me about this also is that he's the only pupil in his year who has his mother taking him and picking him up from school every day, this is going to (or already has) going to make him a figure of fun, you know what teenagers are like! And he is quite capable of making his own way to school....but is never allowed to!

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 24/12/2017 16:43

Why can't you take him to school?

BackInTheRoom · 24/12/2017 16:44

What has the disability benefits got to do with anything?

Original poster
Hail34013 · 24/12/2017 16:53

because I live miles away, and because she wouldn't trust anybody else to take him, even our own daughter or son....that's how bad it is.......

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 24/12/2017 16:55

Bibbidee the disability benefits bit is OP having a dig - how very dare people claim benefits they or their children are legally entitled to 🙄

Original poster
Hail34013 · 24/12/2017 16:55

She wouldn't even let the boys natural mother (our daughter) take him out for the afternoon.....unless she also went!

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 24/12/2017 16:58

Does he have a SEN worker at school? Its really difficult to get an assessment and diagnosis so I think you should take it seriously.

The question might be, can she help him grow but that depends on the advice she is getting
You seem to have rigid thinking rather than consider all perspectives.

I think the lad has had a vety difficult start in life and glad he has someone caring.

Are you involved with him?

RainbowWish · 24/12/2017 16:59

What you describe is autism. My daughter is in the process of getting diagnosed and there is no way for a person to influence the results.

Puberty also can bring out more stronger traits.
She has done the work for 15 years herself. I am sure she knows what best for the child.

Chaosofcalm · 24/12/2017 17:00

What makes you think that you are more qualified than a specialist children’s doctor to diagnose your grandchild from whom you live miles away?

It is not unheard of for secondary school kids with SEN to be take to school by a parent.

BackInTheRoom · 24/12/2017 17:01

Hmmmm, he was diagnosed with Autism. Do you know how hard it is to get a diagnosis? Very hard! And do you know how 'they' are dismissive of kids being diagnosed with autism? Very dismissive! You sound like my ex. When he lived here he'd grit his teeth and clench his fists because he couldn't cope with our DS behaviour but now suddenly he's not living here, our son doesn't have Autism (not diagnosed but suggested by MH). If your son has been diagnosed with Autism, I think your ex could do with some support not scorn.

Original poster
Hail34013 · 24/12/2017 17:14

My daughter (the boy's natural mother) has some very intelligent and compassionate friends, and they, having seen how the boy is being brought up, they have stated that his treatment amounts to child abuse and I must admit I concur. And one of the friends is a senior specialist in autistic children!
He is highly likely to have autism, but in a very mild form. He needs to be helped, not hindered by his upbringing.
Hard to believe, I know....but some people do not have the child's best interests at heart. Not all parents do, shocking, but true!

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 24/12/2017 17:21

Make up your mind OP, originally you thought there was nothing wrong with him, now you say it’s highly likely he’s autistic (no shit Sherlock if he’s been diagnosed 🙄). It’s pretty clear that you just don’t like your ex and want people to hang up on her.

If you genuinely are concerned about the child then have a rational discussion, don’t come on here making digs that your ex is forcing the child into some damaging situations purely so that she can claim disability benefits.

Angelf1sh · 24/12/2017 17:21

*gang

Chaosofcalm · 24/12/2017 17:27

If you think he is being abused then you need to contact SS.

DoItAgainBob · 24/12/2017 17:29

If you think he is being abused you should report it either to the school or Social services.

I would speak to so
Neodymium regardless if you have worries about him and his Care

BackInTheRoom · 24/12/2017 18:07

@Hail34013
When did you and your wife split up?

Has your DS has councelling for Abandonment issues?

MinnieF1 · 24/12/2017 18:20

If you think your ex is making it up or he has a fabricated induced illness, then you need to contact SS and advise them so they can complete child protection enquiries.

Potentially your ex is just very protective of him given his rocky start in life and additional needs. Maybe she isn't always doing what's best and should encourage more independence, who knows, but it's quite possible she's over protective out of love rather than anything else.

Lovemusic33 · 24/12/2017 18:31

You do realise how hard it is to get a autism diagnosis?? If he has a diagnosis I doubt very much that it’s made up. Kids are accessed without the parent present (either at school or in a separate room at hospital). Because of the child’s background they are likely to have looked into other things including attachement disorders (a lot of adopted children suffer with attachement issue). If he does have autism then I understand why his parent would be a bit protective about things such as walking to school alone, my dd is capable of walking alone but she’s also a easy target to be picked on so I worry. It’s hard as you want them to do what other kids their age do but you worry they could become a victim.

Original poster
Hail34013 · 24/12/2017 19:12

My ex and me split up 8 years before the grandson concerned was born, so I've not had that much chance to be involved in his life, but see him regularly, and it's nothing to do with wanting her to be "hung up on" by others, just about wanted a more "normal" upbringing to prepare him for adult life. Unlike any of you, I do know the character of my ex, very devious and very controlling. When our own children were small, she was very similar with them, answering for them instead of letting them speak, disliking their friends, not liking them to socialize..... too overprotective by far, which doesn't do anyone any good at all, especially children...... I think I do have genuine concerns, and I know this is Mumsnet, but it seems no matter how unsuited to proper motherhood some mothers may be they are always in the right?, Mums rule OK?

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 24/12/2017 19:17

Then tell social services as has been suggested. But you are clearly insinuating that she’s faking his disability and that is highly unlikely so you must have your own reasons for that, a bad relationship with your ex being the most likely.