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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was this sexual abuse?

30 replies

buddhasbelly · 24/12/2017 10:22

5 years ago I was offered a place in a dry house to help me stay sober.

The person that run the house was twice my age but said many statements of the like "I'm the one that can help you get sober" etc. I slept with him the first night I was there and on many subsequent occasions. The first time I was still in alcohol withdrawal. The subsequent Times I thought he was "saving me" if that makes sense?

I have moved on, had got sober but saw someone a few weeks ago that knew of this place. She had invested money into the place as had several others to the time of £300k.

Since I saw this woman I have fallen off the wagon. I have kept my job etc but I can't understand if whathe did was sexual abuse. I never said no. Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
buddhasbelly · 24/12/2017 10:26

That should say to the tune of...their money disappeared hence she has an ongoing courtcase about this guy.

My issue now is that I don't know if ehat had happened constitutes as sexual abuse.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 24/12/2017 10:34

If the person was in a position of trust/responsibility/professional capacity then certainly it was sexual abuse. Even if he was just a resident it was still an unequal relationship and abusive. Hope you are ok Flowers

Original poster
buddhasbelly · 24/12/2017 10:40

He owned the house. It transpired that he slept with several other residents. They all have rape cases against him But no one would testify because well, we are alcoholics who would believe us? But I wasn't a fee paying resident for some months when I first moved in so I still feel like I was a "guest" if that makes sense?

OP posts:
sizeofalentil · 24/12/2017 10:43

He took advantage of you and his position for sure. Even though you consented, and we're willing, you weren't in a position to fully consent if that makes sense.

merville · 24/12/2017 10:44

Yes.

Can yourself and the others prosecute him now, is it feasible to get in touch with them?

laudanum · 24/12/2017 10:46

He is a predator abusing his position of 'helping' vulnerable women. This was absolutely sexual abuse and coercion.

I'm so sorry.

Original poster
buddhasbelly · 24/12/2017 10:49

size thank you. I am trying to tell myself that at the time I wasn't in a frame of mind to consent.

Residents were sent to his building as it was a "dry house" - it further transpires that he was sleeping with the council worker that was putting people there. But that can't be proved.

They (the police) interviewed victims 4 years ago but didn't contact me. When I met this woman etc she said she couldn't believe I hadn't been contacted. She took my number but not vice versa.

This has really tested (and failed admittedly) my sobriety.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 24/12/2017 11:05

Alcoholic, yes.
Still a human being.
Seek legal advice, see the police.

He sounds like a predator who takes advantage of vulnerable women when their defences and self-worth are low.

Take him to the fucking cleaners OP. All the best to you.

juliettaa · 24/12/2017 11:13

buddhasbelly - he's a predator who took advantage of vulnerable people. Whilst you may not have said 'no', you were in a very vulnerable state and he took full advantage of that; so yes, it's sexual abuse.

You said in your second post that you'd fallen off the wagon. Please seek help so that the memories of that awful man don't drag you down even more.

I agree with others who advise you to take this further. In cases such as yours, it can just take one person to speak up and then everyone else will follow.

Take care Flowers

Original poster
buddhasbelly · 24/12/2017 13:35

Thank you to all the replies.

The other women gave statements (from what I can gather) at the time. But he has not been prosecuted due to lack of evidence.

There is one victim who has korsakoffs disease. She is being ignored. I am seen as the "sober normal one" i.e. I have a master's degree and am doing ok for myself.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
buddhasbelly · 24/12/2017 13:37

I had been doing really well in my sobriety and this has just thrown me. I am trying to gather strength but I am struggling.

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 24/12/2017 13:42

So sad that you feel that people won’t listen because of the alcoholism.
He abused his position, he abused your trust.
Speak to someone that can help you and stop this happening to others.
Don’t punish yourself, sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Are you getting any help now for the alcoholism? Best of luck to you

mullmepopcorn · 24/12/2017 13:44

I'm so sorry.

There are some things you could do- you must decide what will help you the most.

You could- talk to your sponsor, if you have one.
Talk to rape crisis.
Talk to the police.
Talk to a therapist.
Ignore it, shove it in a box and hope it goes away.

It's a lot for anyone to come to terms with, very traumatic, and would test anyone even without alcohol problems.

mullmepopcorn · 24/12/2017 13:44

No judgement from me about any of those choices, by the way.

Branleuse · 24/12/2017 13:46

Read about 13th step, 13th steppers

Original poster
buddhasbelly · 24/12/2017 13:46

Thanks.

I was sober and doing really well (work in a really good job, finished my degree etc).

But I met this woman and it reared up such a dark time for me. I had buried it and now it's back. I still blame myself for what he did. I still feel like a willing participant if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
buddhasbelly · 24/12/2017 13:53

I want to tell but I am feeling done in. If I could describe it it feels like no one will ever love me. That I'll always be alone and it's my fault for feeling this way.

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 24/12/2017 13:54

You really need some help. I would suggest calling Rape crisis or the Samaritans.
Do you have a sobriety sponsor or anyone you can talk to?

What he did was wrong. It is no wonder that this being brought up has unsettled you, and that is an obvious crisis time. What you need todo is ask for help and start again in reclaiming your sobriety. You can do this. And you don't have to let him win.

It's strange that no one sees anything odd in the fact you are a rare success.

mullmepopcorn · 24/12/2017 14:02

You can still do really well. It may be worth informing HR that you are having a traumatic time, but are addressing it.

Don't let this wobble get you off track. You can do it, but get help. It's hard.

WelshMoth · 24/12/2017 14:10

buddha it doesn't sit right with me at all that this man has escaped any sort of criminal charges for his actions.

Who employs him? Who is behind his funding? Who recommended him to you in your time of need? Are GP's aware of him? Are they recommending him? If so, then GMC I'm sure would be interested. This is an ethical mine-field.

Get help my lovely. This is a burden you can do without.

Original poster
buddhasbelly · 24/12/2017 16:22

That was the worst part @welshmoth it was my mum who referred me to him. She was a drugs and alcohol councillor at the time.

He was self employed. I am just done in st the moment thinking about it.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 24/12/2017 18:35

You should definitely take this further by contacting the police. They didn't have enough evidence before but they can open the investigation again if they have New evidence. He was in a position of trust and he used it to take advantage of vulnerable women.

You've done really well, don't let this drag you back down again. I agree with PPs that you need to get help to deal with this.

Northernparent68 · 25/12/2017 00:04

He abused his position and it is was very unprofessional, but that is n’t an offence under uk law, the advice to contact the police is n’t helpful.

WelshMoth · 27/12/2017 17:27

Northern Why isn't it helpful? OP has no idea who to turn to and it isn't clear who employs/advocates/recommends this man and the alleged service he provides to vulnerable alcoholics. Criminal or not, maybe the Police would be in a position to recommend legal advice at the very least?

WelshMoth · 27/12/2017 17:30

OP what does your Mum say about this? How many more women has she recommended to him? How does she know about him?