Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In law relationships - am I overreacting?

31 replies

Largeginplease86 · 23/12/2017 23:56

So firstly a bit of background...

I have been with my husband for 15 years, since we were both 15.

He has a younger sister, 4 years younger than him, and since his parents are divorced he is very close with and protective of her.

I have always (I thought) been really close with her too, literally treated her like my own sister, when she needed somewhere to live it was me that she came to, and I asked my husband if she could live with us, which she did (rent free!) for a year. I cooked her meals, didn’t make a fuss when she used the last of the milk/ cheese / ketchup / anything else. She is friends with our friends, so we often socialise together, and she very often comes to ours for dinner on a weeknight, which I always accommodate, usually at last minute and feed her. I have always made clear that our home is her home, she always has a place to live. She recently went off on a big life trip and it was me that made arrangements to see her off, was her biggest cheerleader, bought her a good luck pressie and a well done pressie, both really thoughtful things that I spent a lot of time and money choosing. She was one of my three bridesmaids, and she had said to me a couple of times that if she ever got married she would just have a couple of bridesmaids and that I would obviously be one.

So now she is engaged and she has decided she is having 7 bridesmaids and I am not one.

Yet she also keeps saying she wants to get dates in the diary to go dress shopping etc, so clearly still wants me to help her.

I have no idea if I have done something to offend her, I am racking my brains. I have 3 emotions running around, I am really really hurt, as I said, I think of her as my sister so I wouldn’t have even contemplated her not being my bridesmaid or me not being hers. I feel angry as I have done so much for her, and supported her so much and now I feel like that was completely unappreciated. Also I feel really embarrassed, all our friends and my family will assume that I will be a bridesmaid, so I am going to have to tell them I am not and people are def going to be surprised, I know people are gona say ‘it doesn’t matter what people think’ but it does to me.

Am I overreacting??

If I tell my husband how I feel I don’t know how he will react as he literally never lets me say a bad word against her, but I genuinely struggled when the announcements got made not to burst into tears, and have now managed to sneak upstairs to bed early and had a good cry. And even if I did tell him, is there any point telling her as it can’t be changed now (it’s all been announced, and I am absolutely not going to be the sad little add on bridesmaid that got added because she made a fuss), so it will just cause upset / maybe an argument for no reason.

I also really really don’t want to spoilt her big day by being upset but feel like it’s gona be pretty hard to hide.

I really really don’t know what to do, how to react, help please!?

Sorry that was so long, thanks for reading xx

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 24/12/2017 00:00

I think if you can screw up the courage to ask her, maybe in a jokey way, why you aren’t bridesmaid, it would give you some closure/reason why she’s doing this. As she has planned 7 bridesmaids, I think it’s really harsh to ignore you.

Crumbs1 · 24/12/2017 00:03

I too think you should talk to her. It might be something as simple as her thinking Bridesmaids had to be the same age or younger than the bride.

ninnynono · 24/12/2017 00:06

I think you should talk to your husband about it. You’re not saying anything against her; tell him how you’re feeling. You’re hurt and you don’t know why you haven’t been chosen as a bridesmaid.

Maybe she’s going to ask you to be maid of honour ?

I can understand why you feel upset and you need to talk about it otherwise you’ll just feel more and more resentment towards her.

gonnabreakmyrustycage · 24/12/2017 00:07

I'm so sorry. We all have done stupid things at 26. If I were you I'd tell dh that you are very sad about it and ask him if he knows why you aren't a bridesmaid. Then let him ask her if he doesn't know. You need closure or you'll be upset up until the wedding day and it will be hard to go shopping etc with her.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 24/12/2017 00:11

This sounds horrid, and I understand why you are upset. I don't think I could pretend well enough to fool her that I was ok with it - and actually, considering she didn't have the courtesy, kindness or manners to speak to you before hand, or explain why she has decided to have so MANY bridesmaids and not include you, I don't actually see why you have to.

I think if I were in your shoes I would simply say quietly to my DH 'I am really upset and hurt that your DS previously led me to believe I would be her bridesmaid and now has not asked me'. If he reacts badly in any way I would keep repeating, 'Unfortunately, this is how it's made me feel'. You don't have to apologise for the way someone else's actions have made you feel. You have every right to feel the way you do.

I probably wouldn't say anything to the bride - but I would shake my head at the idea of dress shopping and politely say, 'I think it's probably a bridesmaid's role, that one'. I wouldn't be drawn into any kind of conversation about it. If she intends to explain to you how/why she made the decision that's up to her. But I would never be able to have the same relationship again and would be quietly distancing myself emotionally from her.

Fishface77 · 24/12/2017 00:54

I would do exactly what Bless says.
This has happened to me.
I was very close to a sil. We did everything together. The saying "sister of my heart" was true. Then I was "wendied".
The fact that she let me be pushed out and didn't (and doesn't) seem to give a shit that our previously close relationship has gone had shown she's not the person I thought she was.
Everytime she asks you something, say ooh no that's a bridesmaid role.

Dress shopping? Bridesmaid
Hen night? Bridesmaid
Seating plan? Bridesmaid
Organiser? Bridesmaid.

Take a step back physically and emotionally.
Stop being so "available".

Original poster
Largeginplease86 · 24/12/2017 05:21

Thanks ladies, really appreciate all your comments, you have made me feel much less like I am going crackers. I couldn’t sleep until about 12.30 and was up again at 3.20 and couldn’t get back to sleep (which never happens!) so am downstairs doing the ironing, hey ho, silver linings :)

I will speak to the husband in the morning (mostly as he is bound to guess straight away that I am upset and ask why) and let you know how it goes. Just really hope he doesn’t get defensive.

I think it’s gona be really difficult to not do dress shopping etc as my MIL is also going to keep going on about it (probably at the dinner table with lots of other people around so it is not appropriate to make a fuss!), and I am very sure I am going to be made out to be a complete mad cow for causing upset re sil’s big happy day, but I am definitely going to resist. Also really don’t want to upset MIL as she has been through loads recently and is already emotionally drained and could really do with us all pulling together around her (yes - I am also really close with MIL, or I think I am, who friggin knows anymore)

I think ultimately sil is going to end up knowing I’m upset as it’s going to come out at some point, but hoping that can wait at least a month or two til all the excitement dies down, as I really don’t want to spoil her big moment.

And yes... I think that’s part of why I’m so upset, I have already shut off from her emotionally / distanced myself from her, which feels like losing a sister / having part of your heart ripped out.

Well Christmas is going to be interesting given that they are all coming to us for xmas day (which again was sil’s request, ‘please can we have xmas at yours, yours is so much more fun, blah blah blah’, so now muggins here is doing all the shopping / cooking etc!)! Happy Christmas to me 🙄.

OP posts:
MrsLandingham · 24/12/2017 08:00

Although you are only four years older then her (if I've read your OP correctly), could she perhaps see you more as a mum figure than a sister? You seem to have done lots of kind, mum-like things for her.

You're going to have to, at some point, make clear how upset you feel. Just try not to let it be over Christmas lunch Flowers

Annebronte · 24/12/2017 08:04

I agree with MrsL; your relationship sounds maternal rather than sisterly (from her point of view). Might that be how she sees it?

Emilybrontescorsett · 24/12/2017 08:14

I agree with Bless.
Sil sounds like one of life's takers:
Start to make yourself less available for her. You don't have to be rude or mean just focuss on others more than her.

FinallyHere · 24/12/2017 08:26

be really difficult to not do dress shopping etc as my MIL is also going to keep going on about it (probably at the dinner table with lots of other people around

You have the perfect opportunity to stick to the line that you would have loved to, but it really is the bridesmaid's role and you really don't want to be the cause of any resentment by taking over the bridesmaids' responsibilities. It is true, no one can reasonably say, yes, go ahead and undermine the bridesmaids and ... the bride might wakeup to the consequences of her decisions.

As a PP said, you could be appointed maid of honour, the traditional title for a married brides attendant

lackingimagination · 24/12/2017 08:27

Mother-figure was the first thing that came to my mind too.

LizzieSiddal · 24/12/2017 08:32

I too think you should speak to her.

Are any if the other bridesmaids married and older than her? I wonder if she just thinks because your married you wouldn’t want to be a bridesmaid?

Is she usuallly a nice person?

EllaHen · 24/12/2017 08:41

Agree with Fishface77. You need to sound like a broken record - 'oh, that's what bridesmaids help with'.

If you continue to help her, she will continue to take advantage. You will become resentful.

I understand the hurt of realising an in-law doesn't feel the way you think they do. It will take a while to get over it but you will.

Lizzie48 · 24/12/2017 08:45

YANBU at all, that was hurtful thought I doubt she realises it. I tend to agree with PPs that she probably sees you in a maternal type of role rather than a sister in view of your role in her life. Your DH should be more understanding about your feelings, really.

And yes you should distance yourself from the wedding dress shopping, and other preparations, point out that it's the bridesmaids' role, as others have said.

starzig · 24/12/2017 08:49

I think you are overreacting a bit. Does she have a matron of honour or even want one. You can't be a bridesmaid if you're married.

GrooovyLass · 24/12/2017 09:07

starzig I don't think there's any law that says that! My friend and her 2 sisters have all been each others bridesmaids and of course by the time the youngest got married the other 2 already were married.

OP I would definitely ask her. Try to keep it lighthearted (although I personally would probably burst into tears - I'm no good at emotions).

Original poster
Largeginplease86 · 24/12/2017 09:16

Thanks ladies, o totally agree, not over xmas lunch :), as I said, it is bound to come out at some point but I will leave it as long as I can as I don’t want to spoil their moment, everyone is so happy and I don’t want to be the one to ruin that.

Talked to husband about it this morning, he was brilliant, completely understood why I was so upset, so that helps. He is as confused as I am about the whole thing, and just gave me a big hug and asked what he could do to make it better (talk to his sis, talk to his mum etc), I just said I have no idea right now, but it’s lovely to know he’s on my team.

Anyway, brave faces on, it’s Christmas!

Thanks for all your messages, all really helped xx

OP posts:
Love51 · 24/12/2017 09:35

Your husband won't let you say a word against her? That's a bit odd. You're married, why can't he hear your frustrations? Fair enough if she was a distance sister in law, but she lived with you!

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/12/2017 09:44

Really glad DH is supportive, that makes it a lot better. What she’s done is hurtful and it’s ok to feel hurt. I would put on a brave face though just because I think confrontation would make me feel worse.

Lizzie48 · 24/12/2017 09:56

It's great that your DH is being supportive, OP, you do have a good one there.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas now. Thanks

OnTheRise · 24/12/2017 10:19

Bridesmaids are traditionally unmarried, though, aren't they? So perhaps she thinks that you can't be one of her bridesmaids, as you're married already.

I do think you need to talk to her about this, and do it soon to avoid it festering at you any more than it has already.

ivykaty44 · 24/12/2017 10:26

Can you just have a chat with your sis in law? Explain you are sad that you’re not a bridesmaid as that was your expectation

But that you don’t want to cause a fuss

Ask if you’ve upset her if that’s what your worried about

Don’t play games by backing off

If you want to go shopping hen do etc then do so

But talk to her and ask the question in a non confrontational way

Appuskidu · 24/12/2017 10:30

So, you’ve been with her big brother since she was 11 and seem to have taken on a bit of a motherly role since their parents divorced? I would imagine that’s why she hasn’t chosen you. How old are the other 7 bridesmaids?

She isn’t being very considerate of your feelings, though.

dancingqueen345 · 24/12/2017 12:46

It sounds like you're not as close as you thought, on both sides really. I can't imagine feeling unable to raise something like this with someone I considered a sister.

Really don't mean this to sound insensitive, but could she find you a bit of an over achiever and is taking the opportunity to have this as her day, without your involvement? I only say that because from your OP and what you've said about your life and hers, it seems like a much bigger age gap than 4 years, and she might already feel like she's not 'done' as much as you.