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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you get over an affair??

41 replies

mumma4 · 23/12/2017 21:48

So my husband of 3 years but 9 years before marriage has had an affair! We have 4 children together and the affair was going on all through my pregnancy with our youngest who is now 1, I know I need to remain amicable for the children's sake I don't want them to see either of us sad or angry but I'm finding it really hard to cope with him being in another relationship. But I also know I don't want him back! Please tell me this doesn't last forever we have been split a year now but we're still on and off for a bit up untill October

OP posts:
Josuk · 23/12/2017 22:02

OP - so so sorry, I don’t think any of us can fully imagine how you feel.

Affairs come in all shapes and forms. I think the one that your H had is the hardest type to get over. It’s like he’s been living a parallel life for many years.

I don’t think there is a way to move over from this for you WITHIOUT letting yourself feel all the range of emotions - anger and sadness included...

Is there any way for you to get some professional counselling?

Original poster
mumma4 · 23/12/2017 22:14

I have spoken with someone, she was very helpful and helped me loads, I just struggle to know he is with her and to not be bothered by it. She is a teaching assistant in my children's school and also has children of her own there so I have to face her twice a day every day, she knew who I was and knew I was pregnant with his child! It's almost like not being able to escape the situation! Think it would be easier if I didn't know who this woman was or there was no connection.

OP posts:
ComeOnGordon · 23/12/2017 22:20

I’m impressed by anyone who can get over it. I can’t - my H had an affair for 18 months & were in the process of separating but after nearly 20 years together it’s not so easy.
I don’t know how anyone can trust their H again after they’ve lied so many times & shown such disregard for their wife’s feelings & their marriage.

Huskylover1 · 23/12/2017 22:20

I'd be tempted to change schools. What a cow she must be. Listen, if he can cheat on the mother of his kids, someone he's been with for years, trust me, he will cheat on her in a heart beat. I told that to myself, when I found my ExH to be cheating. And guess what, he did not prove me wrong. And she, knowing his history of being a cheat, will always be worried about him doing the same to her.

DotCottonDotCom · 23/12/2017 22:26

This is DREADFUL, you don’t just work in a school and destroy the children’s family?! Brutal!!!

Mumma4 thinking of you, I cannot believe how low some people can get. Do people know about this?

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/12/2017 22:32

She is a teaching assistant in my children's school and also has children of her own there so I have to face her twice a day every day, she knew who I was and knew I was pregnant with his child!

You have every right to complain to the Head and Governors at the school of her behaviour. I teach a Reception class and would vomit with shame if a TA I knew began an affair with the parent of a child at our school; it goes against staff policy and besides that, it's disgusting. Think about sending in a formal complaint about her; there is no way she should be in your DCs class.

As for getting over it, all you can do is take it steadily and let things go eventually. It's awful, knowing that someone could cheat particularly when you were so vulnerable and pregnant. But you have to move forwards, you have to let it go and you have to focus on yourself. Leave them to their cheating bullshit relationship; as Husky says if they can behave so disgustingly then they'll only bring one another total misery. Give it time, give yourself some love and complain to that school so that you don't have to see her shitty face every day.

Original poster
mumma4 · 24/12/2017 07:03

Thanks guys I have been into the school twice and the head teacher has told me it is a personal thing sams nothing he can do apart from ask her to not speak to my children unless necessary, which she completely ignored. I asked for a copy of her contract from our local council which he said he would get this was 5 weeks ago and guess what still nothing! I wish I could take the children out the school but it is so convenient for me as the school my house and my work are all within walking distance. But u feel it may have to be an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumma4 · 24/12/2017 07:04

** I feel sorry

OP posts:
falange · 24/12/2017 07:16

I can't believe the ht has said there is nothing they can do. How absolutely awful for you and what a shifty thing for her to do especially knowing you were pregnant. With regards to your horrible ex I'll be honest and say you prob never get over it. Learn to live with yes. But get over being lied to over and over again no. But that's just my experience. You may be different. Good luck. I hope you manage to get your life on track and if possible get your children into a new school. And I hope the TA and your ex are miserable together Smile

falange · 24/12/2017 07:18

I also agree you should put in a formal complaint to the governors of the school. She's behaved in a totally unprofessional manner.

rizlett · 24/12/2017 07:22

I think its not so much as getting over an affair but about accepting this has happened, that your ex and ow are just not worth wasting your precious energy over. You are worth more than this.

How can you change your focus to find things in your life that you love so that whatever anyone else does it doesn't have the power to make you feel bad.

Dontbuymeroses · 24/12/2017 07:22

I would go above the head teacher on this, you have ever right to complain to the governors and I would do so in writing.

I would also be considering moving schools. Why should you really, she should be the one to go... but I think one of the ways you get over somthing is by having some distance, you're having this in your life twice a day.

Another point, as convenient as it is for you, I'm not sure I'd want my kids taught in a school with a head who lacks the balls or the energy to deal with a TA who had an affair a father of 2 of its pupils!

Runningwithscissors12 · 24/12/2017 07:38

Yes! @Dontbuymeroses you are so right.

Governors and CEO of the council or academy. Email, lobby, write, ring.

Do not mess around on this one. Do not allow you and your children to be walked over by this unprofessional TA and head teacher.

Runningwithscissors12 · 24/12/2017 07:40

It must be almost impossible to start your own healing when you are slapped in the face every day by seeing this woman. And it MUST effect your children too. The school/council/academy has a duty of care to your children.

Original poster
mumma4 · 24/12/2017 08:15

When they go back in January I am going to speak with him again and if still no luck I will go via the council, my neighbour is actually one of the school governors and I get in with him very well so I may tell him everything and see what he can do. Thank you all so much! I'm still lucky enough to have my children and my home every single day her poor husband has been left with nothing. Some people really are pure evil!

OP posts:
gingergenius · 24/12/2017 08:27

I'm sure there was another thread on here a few months ago where a woman experienced similar and the T/A was asked to resign.

Dontbuymeroses · 24/12/2017 08:36

Do you know what mumma4 I wouldn't bother giving the head another chance OR the heads up that you are going to take this further. Catch him on the backfoot and go in without warning, if he hasn't done the right thing by now I doubt another chat with him will help. I think telling your neighbour everything is an excellent idea, especially if you do so before they go back to school, get your side of the story in first.

You've be dealt a hard one here and you've put up with enough by the sounds of it, time to yourself first and get things sorted as fast as possoble IMO.

Dontbuymeroses · 24/12/2017 08:38

Good luck with it all mumma and I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your kids.

Original poster
mumma4 · 24/12/2017 08:43

Thank you guys! Hope you all have a lovely Christmas and new year!!

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 24/12/2017 08:49

I am so sorry. Your amazing new life is just beginning. Take this further with all available avenues but don't let it consume you.

Rudgie47 · 24/12/2017 08:57

She should be transferred if they can do that or resign and get another job. Its not fair on you and your children, what a horrid person she must be.
Years ago I had a really good friend and she got pregnant to her best friends husband. The friend and the husband also had 4 kids.My friend had to have an abortion, he was made to take her to the clinic.
After she told me I never felt the same about her as I thought if she was capable of that then she would screw me over in a heartbeat. Your Exs girlfriends friends and family will realize what she has done.

Original poster
mumma4 · 24/12/2017 09:17

As much as I'd love to have everyone know about her I also don't want her kids to go through any more pain than what she has done to them! It's tricky! I'd like to totally screw them bith over but I know in ten that could affect the 7 kids that are involved! Karma will get them both eventually but in the mean time I also need to make sure I'm strong and not taken for a ride myself

OP posts:
gingergenius · 24/12/2017 09:52

OP you're right, her kids don't need to be hurt but she has breached her contractual duty of care and it may also be considered a safeguarding issue.

Not a legal expert but come from a family of teachers if that helps.

SandyY2K · 24/12/2017 10:25

I suggest you inform the governing body and the local authority. Forget the headteacher.

Her conduct has been unprofessional.

There's a similar thread and an investigation was launched...the teacher/TA resigned.

Please do not let her get away with this

I would also state in the letter thst you have informed the Headteacher... who has told you it's a personal issue.

No it's not... this TA has caused your family to split.... this no doubt has an impact on your children.... which includes their well-being and education...It's just wrong

I would write the letter to The Director of CYP (children and young people) at your LEA.

Her behaviour is such that it would bring the school into disrepute if it got out.

I'll try and locate the other thread for you.

If it was me....she'd be out of her job by the time I finished.

There are key things you need to say for your complaint to have impact.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to know what you do on that front. I'm happy to assist you with drafting a letter.

I suggest you request from the LEA/school the code of conduct and disciplinary policy for staff.

Once they realise you know won't let it go ... they'll step up.

I'm a HR professional and I advise on such issues and sit on. disciplinary panels.

Runningwithscissors12 · 24/12/2017 10:31

Karma will get them both eventually

And your kids will see you being passive and learn from you. That's not the mother I'd choose to be.

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