How do you get over an affair??

[mumma4]

So my husband of 3 years but 9 years before marriage has had an affair! We have 4 children together and the affair was going on all through my pregnancy with our youngest who is now 1, I know I need to remain amicable for the children's sake I don't want them to see either of us sad or angry but I'm finding it really hard to cope with him being in another relationship. But I also know I don't want him back! Please tell me this doesn't last forever we have been split a year now but we're still on and off for a bit up untill October

I’d totally take Sandy up on her offer

Ps. I love Sandy with every post

@SandyY2K thank you so much I'm new to this so not sure how to pm you but after Christmas if your offer still stands I'd love to take some advise from you. I wouldn't want her loosing her job as ultimately that effects her income which in turn effects her children but I do wish she would have the decency to resign and find a new job and maybe even move her children to her catchment area school so at least giving me the respect and decency to get over this without it being rubbed on my face daily. I live for the school holidays just so I don't need to see her smug nasty face and I know my children are not near her. Thank you x

How very difficult, OP. I fully understand how you feel. However, you seem to be directing your anger to the OW rather to your husband. He is the one who broke your relationship; she is of course also to blame, but it was him who is responsible for the impact on his family.

Ohh I have been very angry with him aswell but Iv also got to try suppress my anger and upset towards him as he is the father to my kids and I also have proof he tried to finish the affair many times but she pressured him! I have even met up with her and opened up and asked her to leave us alone, obviously she ignored me and they both lied and hurt me again! He has been a bit more sensitive towards me and she has been nasty! They went on holiday together beggining of the month. He didn't want it rubbed in my face where as she went and told anyone who would listen and spread it around the school so it would get back to me! Yes he was wrong very wrong and he has to suffer never having his children around him 24/7 and he is paying his karma now in many ways where as she seems to be getting away with everything! She has her home her kids and her soon t be ex husband pays for everything! Seems being the better person doesn't always get you what you want
They both make me feel sick but for the sake of my kids I need to play nicely with him but when their relationship goes tits up and he comes running back is when he will get his smack in the face and I know it will happen it's not the first time

So sorry you are going through this horrible ordeal! There was a very similar post on here a few weeks ago and the school were horrified. The OW was immediately put on leave whilst they investigated and then asked to resign. Does anyone remember this post and could link it as reading it could help OP? Feel for you OP.

Thank you, I'd love to hear how the other poster is doing aswell

I don't know how to link it but it's called "I need to get my head around this" I hope it helps.

Hi Mumma, hope you're ok, I'm 9 months in from finding out about H's affair after 27 years together. The pair of them finally ended all contact in July. I hope you managed to get through Christmas, just take each day as it comes.

It is a private relationship, but it is affecting your child's education and the skank's ability to do her job. Also, is it a Church school? Does it have VC, (voluntary controlled), or VA, (Voluntary Aided) after it? If it does, that means that as well as having a local authority Director of Education, the school also has a Diocesan Director of Education. Church Dioceses take a VERY dim view of staff members who behave contrary to the Christian ethos of the school and Church. It is in their contract and job description that they will uphold the Christian ethos of the school. So, if it is a Church schhol, write to Chair of Governors, and the Diocesan Director of Education. Complain formally.
Is it an academy? If yes, find out who the governors are. There might be a local vicar on the governors who will be duty bound to take your formal complaint on.
This woman has behaved appallingly, (you don't need me to tell you that!) Make your complaint against her formal, chair of Governors, Local Authority, Dioceses Director of Education and Vicar if you can.
Sending unmumsnetty. You CAN get through this because you're honourable and amazing.

Thank you so much! I actually went and spoke to my neighbour today who is one of the governors he is going to see what he can do! She really is a disgrace as it was happening all through my pregnancy with my youngest son! She knew I was pregnant and saw me every single day and still didn't have any respect to stop it. If I had found out during the pregnancy I dread to think how I'd have felt but instead he was 3 weeks old and finding out did put a big stress on my milk supply which meant I had to mix feed by 6 weeks as I just wasn't producing enough due to not eating and being stressed 😢

" this TA has caused your family to split.... this no doubt has an impact on your children.... which includes their well-being and education...It's just wrong"

Whaaaaat!? The TA didn't cause the OP's family to split. She doesn't have that power. Let's keep blame firmly where it belongs: OP's husband caused her family to split. The TA has her own blame for the impact on her own family but she wouldn't have had the power to break apart OP's family if her husband, the man who made vows to her, hadn't cheated.

Having said that I fully agree you should take it further and ensure she leaves her job, it's unreasonable to expect a parent to go into their kids school every day and have to face the other woman, and not good for the kids to deal with that tension.

You actually don't need to be overly nice with your ex. Only civil. You don't need to agree to any requests he makes that are not in line with pre determined access arrangements (I assume you have done this).

If not, do it, make sure you have gone to the CSA if he isn't paying the right amount (he may be) and only do what is in the interests of the children. No texting him about anything else or answering any texts about anything else.

When you are ready to move on, don't involve him in the process. It's none of his business who you see, when they meet the kids and when they eventually move in which may or may not happen.

Too many women have the default of "must try to be nice" - you don't need to be. He ceased to be important to you when he dipped his dick elsewhere. You just need to stay strong in your conviction and play by the new rules.

Urghhh back to school runs tomorrow! 2 weeks from seeing the whore and now to face it again! Spoke to my neighbour who is one of the school governors tho and he has told me he is going to speak with the head and make him aware that if he doesn't deal with this internally I will be taking it above his head! Let's see how that goes! Fingers crossed! Even if they could ask her to pick her kids up from the other gate as there are two gates for pick up and she parks near the other gate and purposely cones to the same gate as me just to be smug! We will see anyway and I'll let you all know

Push to get rid of her. And stop worrying about her and her kids. Worry about yourself and your kids - she didn't give a shit about you! You don't always have to take the moral high ground or take it to the nth degree. Her kids will be fine. They have her, their dad and their new dad now.

Iv put my foot down and said my kids are to go no where near her with him! Iv point blank said the minute he brinsg her near my kids I will tell them all the truth about what they both did! You are right tho! I need to start playing nasty myself I think

For both your mental welfare and the kids you don't need to be seeing her every day. They had an affair and one of the consequences of that should be that she has to find another job. It would be upsetting for her kids to move schools but yours should not be affected more by moving schools. Take Sandy's offer for advice of how to word this to get what you want. The HT has walked all over you as you're a woman and because he could. Easier for him as he has to find another member of staff.

I agree. I would be pushing for her to be removed (sacked or somewhere else in the school far away from you).

Yes, your husband is at fault but she didn't accidentally fall on top of him. The fact that she had contact with the whole family and knew you were pregnant means that she is equally as to blame for breaking the family up. She made that choice. Cow.

(I hope she falls over and breaks her teeth. Painful, non fatal and expensive). X