Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you date a man in this situation?

47 replies

pinkflowers8 · 23/12/2017 15:30

he's been separated for 4 months and about to start divorce proceedings.

i've known him a long time, his marriage was short (a year) and i understand why he is getting divorced. he is desperate for us to date - nothing has happened between us ever, but there has always been a spark.

i have feelings for him and i want to be with him. i havent told him this. what would you do in this situation? would you date?

OP posts:
FrizzyNoodles · 23/12/2017 15:31

If they aren't living together I would but keep it light. Living together I wouldn't until he or she had left.

Twitchingdog · 23/12/2017 15:33

Are you single do you have kids
Why don't you want to date him

NurseButtercup · 23/12/2017 15:33

Perhaps wait until his divorce is finalised? What's the rush?

Original poster
pinkflowers8 · 23/12/2017 15:35

no kids involved either side, ive been single since the summer.

i want to date him - i guess i just dont know the etiquette for dating a man who is 'technically' married...

OP posts:
lljkk · 23/12/2017 15:37

Can't a divorce take many months to finalise? Can't keep life on hold so long.

I'd date a separated guy who was emotionally 'over' his X, yes.

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2017 15:49

No kids and not living with wife? I'd give it a crack.

NotSupposedtobeHere · 23/12/2017 15:53

i've known him a long time, his marriage was short (a year) and i understand why he is getting divorced. he is desperate for us to date - nothing has happened between us ever, but there has always been a spark

What I’d wonder is why he didn’t ask you several years ago if you’ve known each other for a good long time and there’s a “spark”. I’d feel second-best. I’d wait till he’s properly divorced.

Some men seem to go from one partner to the next - they seem to think it’s their right always to have a partner and can’t cope with being alone.

Some men haven’t heard of the principle of being done with the old before you put on the new.

I wouldn’t trust that sort of man.

Original poster
pinkflowers8 · 23/12/2017 15:54

as far as i can tell he is emotionally over her, yes. but then i have no experience of this to judge it i suppose! he's very open with me and willing to meet anytime etc, though isn't at all overbearing.

he has been upset over the last 3 weeks with the upheaval of his life...we have talked about this in detail and he says it is nothing to do with his wife and says he does not miss her etc. he ended things.is that a normal reaction to divorce and can i trust his feelings for me? he assures me they are completely separate to his divorce and he's willing to talk things through with me, doesn't hide from a conversation etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkflowers8 · 23/12/2017 15:56

Notsupposedtobehere - i was in a relationship for the majority of our friendship, there wasn't really opportunity for us to be together. i see what youre saying abiut jumping from one thing to the next - i dont feel he is doing that, but then thats why im asking for outside opinions :)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2017 16:03

I dated very soon after my first marriage ended. I was over my ex but I wasn't over the fallout. Be wary.

RainyApril · 23/12/2017 16:05

It's unusual to divorce after such a short marriage. So a year ago he loved her enough to want to spend the rest of his life with her, but a year later he has no feelings for her whatsoever? I think I'd wonder what went wrong, whether he had misgivings at the point of marriage and whether I was getting the whole story.

I also think that four months is a very short time to move on after a marriage, and presumably many years of dating, engagement and living together before that.

I'd be worried that I was his rebound, because he missed being in a relationship, or because he wanted to win the separation by being the first into a new relationship.

If you've known each other for a long time and he is very keen, there is no rush. An uncomplicated divorce can be finalised in 4-6 months so he must nearly be there. I'd wait, or at least take things very slowly.

Original poster
pinkflowers8 · 23/12/2017 16:06

mrsterry - what do you mean exactly? (if you dont mind me asking). he does seem hurt by the fact of getting divorced, but also seems extremely over his ex. he often says to me "there will be tough times ahead but i know we are right together." he doesnt seem oblivious to it all. i am overly cautious generally though so maybe im being a bit too wary i dont know.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2017 16:08

I didn't want to be with my ex, that was done.

But the upheaval, change, finding things out after the fact, leftover patterns that I dragged into the next relationship... they killed it.

Original poster
pinkflowers8 · 23/12/2017 16:09

rainyapril - thanks for your message. i know the ins and outs of their relationship (hes told me all since it ended). i know that is only one side of the story. i cant detail it or it would potentially out me, but he has said he made a mistake marrying her and there were things that happened in his own life at that time which werent the norm and also had an impact on his decisions. im less worried about him not being over her as i am about maybe being this rebound...

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkflowers8 · 23/12/2017 16:10

mrsterry what do you mean finding things our after the fact? xx

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2017 16:41

Just little things like there was a little moment when I was disappointed with how his father treated me after we broke up that made me think about how his family saw me. All too raw and present.

And I carried some anger and patterns.

It's just not a great idea to jump straight into a new relationship.

Brandnewstart · 23/12/2017 16:49

I find it baffling when people on here say you need to be divorced to date. My partner and I are still married to other people (his ex won't sign the papers and I can't afford to divorce) but we are totally committed. Hoping to both be divorced in 2018 though!

SandyY2K · 23/12/2017 16:51

My friend has been with her boyfriend for over 2 years and she's not divorced.

Her husband had met her BF. She isn't in a rush to get divorced... even though she instigated the split.

You have to wait 2 years yo divorce in the UK...unless it's because of adultery or unreasonable behaviour.

Not everyone wants to wait that long.

Any chance of them getting back together? That would be my worry...and you guys are friends... will you still be friends if you split up.

debbs77 · 23/12/2017 16:52

My divorce came through on my birthday, a month before the baby I was having with someone else was due!

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2017 17:02

Not divorced, just not 4 months separated!

TheNaze73 · 23/12/2017 17:15

I think you’d be crazy to get involved with someone that soon, you could get caught in the cross fire

RainyApril · 23/12/2017 17:50

If he knew he was making a mistake when he married her but did it anyway I'm not sure how you can trust him now when he says he's totally ready for a new relationship.

Ask him how far along the divorce is.

If it's meant to be, he'll wait a few more months for you surely.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2017 18:34

I'd walk right away.
His STBXW is collateral damage (lucky her Hmm) in him making the wrong decision because of "stuff" going on in his life at the time, and now he's warning you of tough time ahead... um, why? Confused

He sounds like a car crash, divorced or not.

TangledSlinky · 23/12/2017 19:04

I've been the one to walk away from a marriage within months of the wedding. In my case I'd known for several years the relationship was wrong but I was young and a total people pleaser and he had severe MH issues so I kinda ended up going along with it as I thought as long as he were happy it'd be ok.

It came to a head shortly after our honeymoon when he tried to commit suicide and I realised nothing I could do would help him and that my own MH was suffering by staying in the relationship.

Even still, it took me several years to be ready for a relationship again as I didn't trust myself to not just go along with something to keep someone else happy. I'd have been afraid anyone I dated soon after the end of my marriage would have been to purely fill the void of no longer being in a long term relationship, rather than because they were right for me.

Oywotchadoin · 23/12/2017 19:10

He’s still living with her isn’t he?

Sounds very rebound-like. That said I think many men swap partners easier, they just have a space in their life which is woman-shaped and in you slot.

Swipe left for the next trending thread