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Original poster

Is he too close with his female friend?

30 replies

Vanessa1510 · 23/12/2017 11:16

My SO is 12 years older than me and we have been together happily for 3 years.

He has a close female friend who he has known for at least 20 years, and seeing as they’ve known each other for so long, I have no issue with them being friends.

My other half was married before me and had kids. Was unhappy, left and here we are.

When me and him first started getting together, I noticed he had a picture saved of this female friend. Nothing inappropriate, just one of her face. I hit the walls and was really unhappy. He admitted he was wrong and deleted it. Said sorry and said it would never happen again. He hasn’t seen her for a while and that’s why he saved it.

Since then, nothing else has come up, and we’re years down the line and in a more serious position. He still speaks to her though and don’t get me wrong, the messages are basic and just seeing how each other are doing. Never anything inappropriate ( I know becusse I looked at them). Since I went mad that one time, he tends to hide their relationship from me and that they talk, which I suppose I do understand.

He ended up deleting her number, as he doesn’t want her to come between us. I told him not to, he just had to be open and not hide it, as I have no issue with them being mates. He was adamant that he wouldn’t speak to her anymore.

We’re together most of the time and he always opens his phone in front of me and nothing has really come through from her. Once day however, he left his phone out and I noticed he had messaged her, but without saving her number. It was her asking he was ok with her, as he had ignored some messages.

I didn’t want him to do that, and had previously explained I don’t mind them being friends, so I just left it.

The other day, he opened his phone and I noticed that he had 4 missed calls from her (her number is saved again). I raised it with him and he said she’s having issues with her other half and wanted to speak to him about it, but he was busy so missed them. He got defensive, but again I explained that it’s ok. I don’t mind them being mates.

He doesn’t act weird, or disappear and I not know where he is. They don’t message everyday and all the time, as he always opens his phone in front of me and I can only think of a handful of times where it’s been her messaging. Should I leave the picture issue in the past and just be happy with their friendship?

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/12/2017 11:38

It sounds as though you say a lot that you don't have a problem with their friendship but every time they talk to each other you have a disagreement.
So in reality it does sound like you have a problem with it.
Why have you looked at the messages, why did you hit the roof about a perfectly appropriate picture he had of a friend?
I get that you don't want him to hide it but if you're checking his messages, kicking off about a photo, looking at his phone and bringing up whenever they talk or text then I can kind of understand why he is keeping it on the quiet.
Would you honestly act like this if this was in relation to a male friend.
You need to be honest with yourself and him about how you actually feel about this friend then have a frank and open conversation about it. Is it that you don't trust your dp if so it isn't about anything other than that. Lying and secrets have no place in a healthy relationship, that needs to be made clear to your dp, on the same note you shouldn't be acting any different towards this friendship as you do towards any of his others, unless you think there is something more to it.
Have you ever met this friend, after 3 years I would have expected you to have had some interaction with her too, nights out all together, dinners in, other social occasions.
My ex had a close female friend, he never felt the need to tell me whenever he had spoken to her, neither did I feel the need to point out I didn't have a problem with their friendship, it wasn't a topic of conversation, like any of his other relationships. I didn't particularly like the girl but that was for an entirely other reason, nothing sinister I didn't like one of his male friends either. But I still socialised with them, smiled politely, interacted with them at events and didn't really think about it, they were his friends not mine.

Original poster
Vanessa1510 · 23/12/2017 11:59

Thank you.

I think I got angry with the picture because I felt it was weird. And now everytime they speak, it reminds me of that, so I think the issue is mainly mine, than his.

He’s done all I asked and not done it again. You’re right, I wouldn’t act this way if it was a man, and he has other female friends that I know, and I’m not bothered.

He doesn’t see her much, which is why we have never been out. I suppose it’s more a situation of me just accepting it as opposed to being angry about it.

I only looked at his messages once, after the picture incident. The other time was when he left everything open and I glanced and saw, not purposefully looking.

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/12/2017 12:07

Then maybe there's a reason you feel this way, perhaps arranging a meeting with some friends, perfect time for that at the moment, and include her would help with how you are feeling.
I do think you need to talk to your dp about it. Otherwise he will feel like he needs to hide it and you will continue to feel insecure because he is hiding it, vicious circle.
I think you need to be honest with him about how you feel, as you have above, and see if you can come up with a solution.
That solution shouldn't be him not being friends with her, I don't think that's fair and it would almost be avoiding the problem rather than facing it head on and dealing with it.
I do feel for you and understand that it's not very nice but you can't go down his phone , he deserves privacy, as we all do. If you are really at the stage where you expect him to cheat and are looking for evidence, if those feelings are so strong that you have to invade his privacy then there is a serious problem.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2017 12:14

I think you've created this issue. You behaved inappropriately when he had a photo of a friend, then haven't respected his privacy, or his right to have an old friend. So he feels he has to hide things. It's really unhealthy and this kind of behaviour is as likely to cause infidelity as it is to prevent it.

Have a think about why you feel the way you do.

offside · 23/12/2017 12:20

I think the thread title and your OP contradict themselves. Your OP says that he doesn’t engage with her but you’re not bothered if they did yet you want to know if they’re too close.

I think you’re minimising your involvement in the breakdown of a 20 year FRIENDSHIP. That’s very controlling and juvenile behaviour. If a man did that to me I’d be running for the hills.

Original poster
Vanessa1510 · 23/12/2017 12:42

I agree. I’ve always had anxiety and I think it comes from that.
I also think at times the fact he had a picture comes into my head and I over think.

We’ve had a sit down and talked about it and I’ve apologised. We’ve spoke about it a lot over dinner and I explained why I feel my way. He accepts it and said he wouldn’t hide t any more, which may make me feel more comfortable I suppose.

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/12/2017 13:06

Well done op it couldnt have bedn easy to admit you were wrong and how you felt. Im glad hes understanding and has welcomed your honesty.
I would definitely look into the reasons why you're anxious and insecure, work on that it will help you to feel better about things and in turn strengthen your relationships. It's perfectly normal for him to have photos of friends and it's good that you can be rational enough to understand that.

pebkac · 23/12/2017 13:11

On the other hand, was the picture cropped to achieve a picture of her face? (my husband did this and put a nice filter on it, which seemed...over-invested) Do men generally keep portraits of their buddies? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you've raised the subject only when communications have not been apparent, as with most friendships - 'So and so said such and such today'...etc

Also, stick around, you might get different answers off the weekend shift.

Original poster
Vanessa1510 · 23/12/2017 13:28

It was a selfie picture. He hadnt edited it any way I don’t believe. It was just of her face and she was smiling.
I’m not sure if she had sent to it him or if he had just saved her display picture.

OP posts:
ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 23/12/2017 13:33

You sound bloody awful.

And if a male partner treated one of my female friends the way you have id be advising them to run for the hills. Going batshit over a photo of a face ?? Really ??

I must be a complete weirdo as i'm female but have actual photos of male friends not only stored on my computer but also around my house !!

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 23/12/2017 13:34

In fact you sound abusive. It would be really interesting to hear the other side kf the story in this.

magoria · 23/12/2017 13:52

Wow you are lucky he hung around you 'hit the walls and was really unhappy' that he had a picture of a friend of 20 years on his phone when you started dating!

Now he hardly ever sees her.

That is terrible.

sofato5miles · 23/12/2017 13:58

You have a serious issue with inappropriate jealousy.

Original poster
Vanessa1510 · 23/12/2017 14:12

I’m not abusive in the slightest. I’ve spoken with some of my friends and they agreed it was weird. All depends on you as a person a suppose.

I’ve since sat down with him and spoken to him about it. Told him I’m sorry and that I’m happy for him to speak/see her and let that be that, as I agree, she’s his friend and he should be allowed to do what he wants.

He left it really happy with that.

He was once unhappy with my messaging my male friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessa1510 · 23/12/2017 14:14

He doesn’t not see her because of me, he hasn’t seen her for ages due to her not living locally to us any more.

I told him I’m more than happy for him to see her if he had the chance.

OP posts:
Dozer · 23/12/2017 14:18

Deleting the photo and acting so jealous he felt he couldn’t see his friend and had to show you his phone was VU. It was not “anxiety” it was you coping with your anxiety by showing jealous, controlling behaviour. Not OK.

His friend WBU if she was indeed seeking to discuss her relationship problems with your H though.

MissHavisham1984 · 23/12/2017 14:23

We’re hosting 16 for Christmas Day. Everything organised and DD1 is coming Christmas Eve to help. Today DH decided to get the tables ready. We’ve borrowed chairs and 2 small banqueting tables in addition to the one we already have. Sounds simple? Not in our house. In a trial run, DH puts up 2 banqueting tables on patio, adds an old wooden table from the shed and proposes screwing a bit of plywood on top of old table to seat us all! Over the last week there have been lots of bits of paper with tables drawn on them. A steel measuring tape has been much in evidence. When I suggest putting the 3 banqueting tables together I am told it won’t work as it will be too big. The last time we did this was Christmas 2015. I found the photos, I was still wrong. I showed him the photo of the Christmas tablecloth which fitted the 3 tables perfectly. Irrefutable proof you might think. Took a while but eventually and grudgingly, the 3 tables are together in our kitchen, ready to be laid. Our normal kitchen table will be out on the patio for the duration of Christmas Day under a tarpaulin, not ideal but ok. I don’t think he’s too happy with me at the moment. If only he’d asked me how we did it last time!

MissHavisham1984 · 23/12/2017 14:24

Ooh sorry, I’ve posted in the wrong place.

BulletFox · 23/12/2017 14:59

I don't know you do I?? It sounds scarily like me and one of my best friends

Lizzie48 · 23/12/2017 15:30

Certainly you've been showing inappropriate jealousy but you've been brave enough to admit this. I do think you've given yourself a lot of unnecessary angst as a result.

I don't think it's appropriate that she's involving him in her relationship difficulties though.

Original poster
Vanessa1510 · 23/12/2017 15:38

I don’t know...do you?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/12/2017 15:47

I don't think it's appropriate that she's involving him in her relationship difficulties though

Why not? Isn’t it not real for friends to want to talk/vent when they have relationship issues? If this is wrong I guess most of us have behaved inappropriately in our friendships!

MaisyPops · 23/12/2017 15:47

I think you've tried to play it cool but you're anything other than cool about it.

It's a 20 year friendship. You kicked off about a photo and despite saying you haven't a problem, every time you see they've been in contact you kick off again. Here's a man who can'r win unless he cuts all contact and I know I wouldn't ditch an old friend 'because the hubby says so'.
I can't blame him for keeping it quiet. The thing is the friend is probably aware something is up.

You actions are ruining a long term friendship. The thing is, you have acknowledged your jealousy (which is brave on MN) so the question is what do you do from here?

Personally, I think you need to genuinely accept the friendship and perhaps see someone to talk through your jealousy issues.
If you both want a resolution then ypu'll get there.

Gemini69 · 23/12/2017 15:59

If you're not able to cope with his friendship... you need to Leave ..

he doesn't want to lose the frienship... this is clear.. so you either accept it.. or you leave him...

Chippyway · 23/12/2017 16:38

To be fair if I uploaded a selfie of just my face and my male friend saved it on his phone I’d wonder why Confused girlfriend or not, I’d find it odd! I’d also find it odd if my partner had a random selfie saved of his female friend

I do think you’ve been OTT about all this. I do think you need help with your jealousy. I also think that despite what you’ve put on here, you don’t want them being friends.

But I do agree it’s weird he had that picture. I mean, I haven’t saved any selfies of my male friends. I have no reason to Confused