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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wasting my time?

39 replies

Christmastwatman · 23/12/2017 09:05

I've been seeing a man since April who I think an awful l lot of but I don't seem to be able to get close to him, no matter what I do. He keeps me totally separate from his friends, family and children and I'm always last on his priority list which results in me not seeing him regularly enough. I've caught him out a few times lying to me about who he is seeing /where he is going and Ive given up confronting him on this as he can't give a reason for lying and evades the issue. I know I'm wasting my time but I enjoy his company and keep thinking I can change him.

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 23/12/2017 09:07

You deserve better. I think you are (in the gentlest way possible) wasting your time, because he is never going to give you the same level of commitment and prioritise you. Why would you settle for less than being equal in a relationship?

Indigo911 · 23/12/2017 09:14

I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s reallt hard to walk away when you seem glimmers of greatness in him. Don’t ever let yourself be a last priority for someone as it only ever ends in tears and makes you feel like crap.
If you really don’t think you can walk away at the moment then I would cool things down massively from your side. Don’t be available every time he wants to meet etc. Let him see that you can also treat him like a last priority and I bet he won’t like it.
I would say though that relationships shouldn’t have to be that hard and it doesn’t sound like he’s the one for you

TwitterQueen1 · 23/12/2017 09:19

You can't get close to him because he won't let you and he doesn't want you to. He lies to you and evades your questions. He is not honest with you and has no intention of changing. You are not his priority and never will be. You are simply a convenience.

Sorry to be so harsh OP, but yes, you are wasting your time. If you want a committed, equal, loving partnership he is not the man for you.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 23/12/2017 09:21

Hmmm, a liar who doesn’t want you involved in his life and puts you last on his list of priorities? Next!

marywasneeavirgin · 23/12/2017 09:22

Yes you are.

Original poster
Christmastwatman · 23/12/2017 09:23

He tells me I deserve better, that to me just feels like a cop out for him to not change his priorities. He genuinely seems upset when I suggest finishing it or criticise his behaviour towards me. When I cool it, he doesn't try harder and then we just don't see each other. He isn't seeing me over the holidays as he has his own plans and I've not had a gift.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 23/12/2017 09:24

Next !!!!

Dump him.

TwitterQueen1 · 23/12/2017 09:27

OP, HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE HIS PRIORITIES! HE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE!

Why on earth do you think you can change this man? You won't. Why do you want him? He doesn't give a flying fuck about you.

category12 · 23/12/2017 09:36

Listen to what he says - you deserve better.
Look at what he does - he doesn't prioritise you, he lies etc.
Look at what happens when you withdraw - he lets contact cease.

He's really not bothered about you. He's not lying when he tells you, you deserve better.

You're probably the other woman to boot.

Gerbil17 · 23/12/2017 09:36

You are a bit on the side it seems.
You really do deserve more and he is telling you and showing you that he is not bothered about a relationship with you.
You cannot change him.

Of course he genuinely seems upset when you say you are going to end it. He then has to find another bit on the side and go through all of what he is going through with you to keep it a secret

ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/12/2017 09:47

It's obviously just a lot more casual for him than it is you.
You cant change him or his feelings towards you.
Op do you have a history of going for men who are emotionally unavailable thinking you can be the one to change them?
Men are better at compartmentalising their lives but not to this extreme. If a man is into you and wants a relationship with you they will want to introduce you to their friends and family.
I don't think that not seeing eachother over the holidays the first Christmas together is unusual, but he isn't including you in any aspect of his life is he?
The fact that you aren't included in any other part of his existence tells me he isn't serious and probably means you actually know very little about him, I would be concerned about this.
I think for whatever reason he keeps his world, the things and people who matter to him, very guarded. He's made it clear that isn't going to change for you, so if you are looking for a committed long term relationship then yes I think you are wasting your time with this one.

Bananacabana · 23/12/2017 09:50

Yeah, sorry it sounds like you need to move on from him. I've been in a similar situation and I remember really not wanting to admit to myself it was all on his terms and I was just an option to him.

Red flags:
You haven't met his friends and family.
You're not spending any time over Xmas period with him.
Hasn't got you a Xmas gift.
He's told you that you deserve better; he recognises he isn't treating you as you deserve.

There's a lot of info on Baggage Reclaim about this sort of fella. Maybe it'll help to read it online and recognise he fits a certain mould.

Good luck.

Original poster
Christmastwatman · 23/12/2017 09:51

I'm not sure if I'm a bit on the side, I think he's genuinely happy with this level of interaction and lack of commitment. He turns it back onto me eg, I'm not relaxed enough around him etc and that makes me feel it is my fault he doesn't see me.

OP posts:
Gerbil17 · 23/12/2017 09:52

Well that just makes him sound even worse.

Why are you settling for this?

Bananacabana · 23/12/2017 10:26

Oh and a major red flag being that he lies to you. If he lies about small things, what stops him lying about the bigger things too?

You say he is happy with the amount of interaction and commitment he's giving, you aren't happy with it though. You deserve someone who can match your needs, otherwise there will be an unequal, unhealthy relationship.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/12/2017 10:31

He probably is happy with the current situation because he doesn't want a relationship with you.
For whatever reason, whether he's a lying cheat, whether he is just emotionally unavailable, it may be that he just doesn't feel that way about you, or it may be that he's just an arsehole, but whatever it is it isn't your fault and you can't make someone want something they don't.
His actions have told you that you aren't important in his life and that isn't likely to change. Stop wasting time trying to figure it out it will drive you mad. Listen to what he is telling you and then make your choice. Either continue with him how you are.....settling, or be single, work out why you feel the need to try and change men who don't want to change and then find a man who can and wants to offer you what you deserve.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/12/2017 10:34

Why on earth are you idolising someone who behaves like you are worth so little? Doesn't that diminish him in your eyes? Do you think you are worthless? Do you think he is better than you?

RedastheRose · 23/12/2017 10:48

Sorry op but it sounds like he's marking time with you whilst looking out for someone else! You are a convenience presumably when he fancies a shag and a bit of company but don't impact on his life at all. He's just not bothered about you. Walk away with your head held high, he's just not worth your time, effort or tears.

ClareB83 · 23/12/2017 11:35

Yup definitely wasting your time. He's not giving you what you want and he's not interested in doing so.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 23/12/2017 11:54

Bring this down to biology then understand it and take control. There's a part of your brain that's responsible for addiction to drugs, alcohol etc. All things that make you feel good while you're doing it but leave you feeling shit afterwards. The same part of your brain is releasing chemicals and helping you to create a fantasy man to bond with and over-invest in. Try to think about your feelings for him and dependence on him in this context and not in a the vein of a Barbara Cartland novel where you're star-crossed lovers destined for each other. The only way to get over him is brutal cold turkey - tell him it's over, block him everywhere, go no contact, grit your teeth and you'll soon see him as we do.

For him you're convenient, you provide sex and gratification when he wants it and without too much complaining as you probably try hard to please him when he grants you an audience. He won't change. He's filed you under "OK to fuck and a bit of a laugh".

Ignore his words, they're cheap and easy. It's actions that matter. If his words and deeds don't match he's wasting your time. Men like him are practised at keeping you where they want you. They throw you the odd bone of niceness to keep you where he wants you so you think "this is it. He does want me. From now on he'll be the perfect boyfriend". He won't be that man OP.

It's your choice as to how many years you waste on him but all the time you're giving him headspace and he's blocking your front door a decent man won't be able to walk in and say hello.

Oywotchadoin · 23/12/2017 11:57

“Deserve better”

If he’s telling you that, he’s up to something, bet cha.

Bin him.

Darkbendis · 23/12/2017 13:08

Yup, you are. Mark this an an experience you learn from how not to be treated by a guy and move on.

Original poster
Christmastwatman · 23/12/2017 13:11

You're right about the bones thing. I'll see him and he'll immediately withdraw afterwards, giving excuses as to how busy he is. Then in the lead up to him wanting to see me again, I'll get lots of attention, flirting from him. It seems to be a cycle. He regularly disappears on me with no explanation given as to what he's been up to. When he's been caught out lying, it's doing everyday things when he said he was busy doing something else so feels as if he doesn't want to see me.

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/12/2017 13:11

Tbh he seems to have made it clear, he doesn't want a relationship it doesn't sound to me like he's done anything wrong apart from be clear that it's not serious, if the op chooses to accept this it isn't his fault. Wanting company and sex is natural, it doesn't mean we want to have a relationship, it sounds like he's completely open about that.

AstridWhite · 23/12/2017 13:14

I think you are wasting your time, yes.

It's not the normal way to be with someone you are serious about and in love with.

He doesn't see you as wife material. He likes you, you'll do for now, but you are a FWB or a transitional diversion and nothing more.

It could potentially go on for years like this until he suddenly finds the love of his life elsewhere and the first you know about it is when you are dumped and she's got her feet under his mother's table by week 3.

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