Feel like a live in babysitter with no friends

[esparadisimo]

DH and I have 2 DCs. I am self employed and don't have any colleagues as such. DH has plenty of colleagues and plenty of invites to different christmas functions and gatherings. At this time of year, I tend to just feel like a live in babysitter as DH enjoys himself with friends on different works and friends celebrations.
I myself have been out once with friends for our annual christmas meal, have had friends over to the house once and have been out with friends and DH once in December... so 3 things in total.
DH, will have been out 3evenings in 4 consecutive days (amongst many other christmas functions throughout December.)
I speak to friends and hear how them and their DH are having friends over/visiting friends together etc etc during the evenings before Christmas and mine are spent sat in the house alone whilst DH busies himself on many of his Christmas outings.
He just assumes I'm ok to stay in and do this as I guess it's what I usually do, but Id like the option to enjoy time spent with friends and/or DH, afterall it is christmas. I'd quite like to invite friends over to the house etc, but I don't have many and DH seems happy to be out of the house most evenings enjoying himself.
I'm feeling a bit used, under-valued and under-appreciated to be honest as its assumed im ok to sit in the house with DCs in bed. Surely christmas time should largely involve the 2 of us together in the evenings with friends if we choose or alone time together if not? DH is often so busy with work during the week, now that we've both taken time off for christmas, I don't understand why we're not enjoying this time together. I'm also quite envious of the time he's getting to socialise in comparison to myself. I don't want to have to start going out all the time purely to prove a point to him, but I don't want to feel like a live in babysitter whilst he has all the fun either.

That must be difficult for you, but it’s one of the cons of being self employed, I’m afraid. I was for a short while, but missed the camaraderie of colleagues. Most people who work out of the home have various nights out in December. DH and I haven’t had a night in together for weeks. You say you don’t have many friends, and this is probably the real issue rather than your DH having a social life.

What does he say about it when you mention this?

Have you talked to him properly about this ?

Get some other babysitters and go with him more often.

He's not a mind reader tell how pissed off you are.

Mentioned it loads of times in the past. He says he doesn't see the problem if the "calender is clear." Also, I'm 6 months pregnant so hardly going to be out half the evenings of the week enjoying myself until late. Also, I can't go with him as I'm not invited! Men only!

We get a babysitter once a month and go out just the 2 of us... we can't get a babysitter more often than this easily.

Friends only come to.us if I organise it... we live in his hometown so most of the friends are his. He never organises for them to come to the house so that I can join in and get to know them, he just takes himself our.

*Himself out

Why aren't his friends now married with small DCs too. And therefore not really available for carousing with him??

My husband is like this. I’m a sahm as two of our children have disabilities so sadly I can’t work now. He just books whatever and expects me to pick up the slack. He’ll often say well you’re not going out so why shouldn’t I? I see your frustration.

Well, he is still living the life of a single man, clearly

That would not do for me

I can see it's annoying but I'm not sure what stopping you arranging nights out / inviting friends over. Take the initiative

It's the assumption that I'll just stay in and 'babysit' the DCs. If I want to nip to the shops, walk the dog (I am the only one who does so anywway) or nip to a friends house if I wanted to, I can't. I don't have the option. Because I'm the only adult in the house. Also, I'd quite like a bit of company whilst I'm stuck in the house exhausted and growing another child.

I'd also quite like him to want to involve me in his social activities, but I almost feel I've assumed this position of "main carer" or 'minder" whilst DH does as he pleases. I could really have used a couple of evenings to catch up on a bit of Christmas shopping this week... but instead I've been stuck at home. Also, I don't have time to go out enjoying myself so much when there's so much to do to prepare for christmas!

You sound like a martyr.

Nothing will change while you "wearily" accept it

I'm going to say what I say to men.... you aren't 'babysitting' your own children.

When ours were younger... we had the calendar system. If I'm going out I tell him...otherwise I'm in and he could go out.

You seem to like having people over to your house...does he like hosting as much too?

OP - there are a few things that I noticed in your post.

One - is about communications and what’s acceptable in your marriage.
Given 2 small children and you being pregnant - i think it’s perfectly Ok to be more forceful in communicating to him that being out 3 days in a row is just not fair or acceptable.

However - there is also this jealousy and resentment that comes in through your message. About living in his town. About not having your friends.
And that bit I am not quite sure about.

Did you chose to move to his town? Have you tried to make more of your own friends?

It’s not easy when one person has ‘home’ advantage but you can’t blame him for it either. And can’t expect him to make your life fun for you. You need to do it yourself.

Why on earth are you sighing in a martyred fashion and tolerating this? Why is he out so much? My dh wouldn’t do this and I’m sure most men wouldn’t (or am I being ridiculously naive?) Have you spoken to him about his being out so much?

Thanks mumsent. 👍 I'm going to come away from this thread feeling so much better about the situation. I'm glad posters have been able to make it clear to me that I'm:
a martyr
jealous
have clearly not tried communicating
that I have not realised that I don't 'babysit' my own children... figure of speech doesn't count.
I'm resentful
have clearly not made enough effort to make my own friends
that I 'wearily' accept things
it's my issue for not having a social life

I feel so much better... thank you for the valuable insight given on the few paragraphs of my life that I've shared with you all.

People have reacted to what you told us about your life. What did you want to hear ?

esparadisimo for you:

Op I feel the same. It’s shit being pregnancy at Christmas. Dh our all week leaving me with bed times, Christmas prep & when I mention it he says “well you could go out if you wanted”. When actually what I want is him to include me & not just make plans without asking. Next year you can be prepared & get the diary filled in November laving him to babysit.

Anyfucker she might have wanted to hear that being pregnant with young kids and stuck in alone is hard work. But no, give her a kicking. She’s feeling down. So why not. It’s the mumsnet way

You need an agreement that some days of the week are “his” to do as he pleases with, and some days are yours and he must not bookplans on rhembefire consulting you.

E.g. my DH has Tuesday & Weds, I have Mon & Thurs, Friday/Sat/Sun are understood to be “joint” and the expectation is we’ll be together (in or out) and would check before making solo socialising plans.

Fwiw, I don’t have colleagues or works nights out, my DH does; he also has mire friends here as it’s his hometown; I got frustrated last night when he was out (planned) but forgot to factor in walking the dog before he went.

But the social life/friends bit is my problem not his, and it’s unreasonable to expect him to turn down invites “artificially” if there’s no other concrete plans - staying in together at this time of year is unrealistic, really, as it’s busy before Christmas.

Don’t be jealous, just make some boundaries like no 2 consecutive nights, allocated days as “his”, an agreement that he’ll not miss bath & bedtime & arrange to be out later instead.

I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely - & pregnant with no 3 is probably exasperating it as you know it won’t change much in the near future. But you can get a workable compromise if you try.

He is definitely going out excessively and should be enjoying time with you more. You having 3 social occasions so far though is a good amount! I have had none as I'm a SAHM, but DP works from home so neither has he

It's probably going to be more difficult getting out when you have a new baby OP but can you look for some opportunities to increase your group of your own friends. Is there any sort of group organisation linked to your self- employment that you could join?
My DP has few friends of his own and has moaned that I have been out a lot over the last few weeks. I would not ask him to a work night out because he does not know any body and I would just have to keep him company. He is a home bird who would just like to sit and watch telly but I find that really boring. He enjoys it when people come over but would never organise it so I just go ahead! I hope you manage to find a compromise OP.