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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexually dissatisfied in my marriage

46 replies

Naomi43 · 22/12/2017 05:00

I am very sexually unsatisfied in my marriage and it is a big problem for me. I am a 44 year old woman, been with my husband almost 13 years, we have a 7 year old child.

My husband is very kind. I am in love with him. He is a great husband in so many ways. He is a great dad. He puts me and our child fist in his life. He is a lovely person. He is also handsome and attractive, and I am somewhat attracted to him.

But he cannot satisfy me what so ever and it has gotten to a breaking point. first, he has a low sex drive. He has some kind of hormonal issues, I think low testosterone. He is also infertile- he has azoospermia ( no sperm in his semen) and we conceived our child through donor sperm.
He likes sex, but he can go a few weeks without it. And then when we do do it, he is kind of helpless at it. In general he has ore of a passive personality and I am more assertive. But in sex, even after 13 years together, he is still clueless. to get anything out of it I have to dictate to him what to do like the whole time, which I hate. but I do it sometimes. But essentially he has no instinct about sex and a low sex drive. Tonight, for example, we got in bed and he just went right to sleep and we hadn't had sex in about 10 days and I was feeling like I really had this strong current of sexual desire in me, that just never ever gets fulfilled. And I just wanted him to have an instinct to want to do it. Well, after a bunch of crap he finally got sort of into it but basically just went right to the end part and of course ejaculated in under a minute. So I felt as usual totally dissatisfied. And I wanted him afterwards to at least make an effort to touch me or something with some kind of enthusiasm, without me having to dictate it. but no he was all annoying about it, and then finally made some half ass attempt . If he would have at least tried to satisfy me. I know he cant really control his quick ejaculations. He also has an erection that is like 80 o 85% erect but not 100%. That makes it more difficult to satisfy me too. But even that, I can forgive as long as he makes an effort to satisfy me but no, he just didn't again. like every other night. And it just made e cry in frustration, and finally came down and am writing this post.
I don't know what to do. Before him I had a lot of different partners over the years. Before me he only slept with one person and it was only a couple of times. He has never had a high sex drive. When we were dating he was more into it but he still never satisfied e. But I was so in love with him and I figured he would learn my body over time. But he never did. He likes sex he just does not satisfy me and does not realize how important it is ( thought I talk about it tons) that he puts in the effort. So I am so mad at him. And so disappointed in my marriage. And now I just hate him at the moment but I love him too. But I hate this constant sexual yearning I have that is just not getting met, and his annoying inability to step up and do a better job.

I do not want to break up with him! I love him. and we are good other than this. But I cant take this anymore. what do I do?

OP posts:

Babseu · 22/12/2017 08:01

Not sure really as it sounds pretty grim for you but thought I would offer my support and say I hope whatever you do it gets better for you

mathsquestions · 22/12/2017 08:06

It's hard but you need to think about what might work and work on that.

gigi556 · 22/12/2017 08:10

Have you or can you try couples counseling?

SleepFreeZone · 22/12/2017 08:13

God I would just have a very discreet affair. Fuck that.

peaandcarrot · 22/12/2017 08:16

It reads like he doesn't really want sex but you push him into it anyway.

greendale17 · 22/12/2017 08:19

It reads like he doesn't really want sex but you push him into it anyway.

*This. Imagine the reaction if the OPs post was written by a man......

Huskylover1 · 22/12/2017 09:55

peaandcarrot greendale17

In what way are your posts remotely helpful? Why bother posting at all?

So, you expect the Op to just never have sex again, to not discuss it, to not push it? I can only imagine that you have zero sex drive, as you plainly don't understand the Op's frustrations, which are wholly valid!

Op, could you buy a rabbit or something, and get him to use it on you? And perhaps some viagra, to sort out the erection issues? Also, I would get him to see the GP for testosterone supplements. I think this is where I would start.

Good luck, everyone deserves a satisfying sex life.

I'd also add, that I think the menopause hits around age 51, and from what I've read, this may affect your libido, so you really need to make the most of the next 7 years! I'm really hoping that this isn't true though, as I'm closer to that age than you are, and I'm dreading that possible aspect of it.

ReliefOfChaos · 22/12/2017 11:01

They are remotely helpful, husky, because as we are frequently told pressure somebody into sex is the surest way to kill their sex drive. I do have a lot of sympathy for the OP, but sadly you can't make someone want to 'satisfy' you. Even if you politely and respectfully tell them that this is a problem for you you have to worry if they're just forcing themselves so you don't leave them.

Sadly I think the only options in these situations are to put up with it or leave.

Huskylover1 · 22/12/2017 12:28

Leave a marriage of 13 years, without even trying to fix it? Surely not.

category12 · 22/12/2017 12:36

If it's never got any better in 13 years, what hope is there that it ever will?

If he's not interested in going to the gp or making the effort to improve your sex life, then you have some options, op.

Stay and resign yourself to a limited unsatisfactory sex life,
stay and insist he goes to the gp (which I'm not sure is fair, if he's happy as he is or near as dammit to asexual),
stay and agree an open marriage,
or leave and make a new life.

Original poster

Naomi43 · 22/12/2017 13:43

OP here. I am sorry if I gave the impression I push him into sex. It is not like that. He is interested in it, just not as often as I am . We do have some times where it is better -- last night I wrote that in a very frustrated moment. I don't push him into sex. But sometimes I lie there wishing he would initiate it. I gave little bit of a one sided explanation. He is into it he just doesn't satisfy me. I have gotten him how to books, videos, etc. nothing. I did just locate a counselor in our town who does specialize in sex and communication in marriage so I am giving her a call. I also got my husband some natural herbal libido enhancement stuff which he takes some times.

I would really like to know from others- how satisfied are you with your sex life in your marriage? what is the norm here?

If I ever had an affair with anyone I would not do it secretly. I would get my husband's approval first. I have thought about doing that but it is a messy situation to create. And my husband is a great guy. sigh

OP posts:

something2say · 22/12/2017 14:58

I think it's time for a frank conversation. It may be that he would prefer to just do away with it all, and you need to know whether that's the case or not.

Fwiw I was with a man for five years and we had very little sex during the last three years. I tried everything, I let it be, I didn't press him. Then I told him how I felt and that I feared it would break us up. In the end it did; I got a new job and was suddenly surrounded in men. Having been so starved, I was suddenly turned on again. In retrospect I wasted that time because he is as he is and it isn't right for me. I think that being starved of a basic bodily need places the person at risk of behaving differently when they are suddenly able to be sexual again and in this way, I learnt that it is a risk.

I wish you good luck tho, but I really would be very clear with him and tell him that the way he makes you feel when he ignores this aspect of your life is a serious problem that could break you.....and for yourself, really consider your life and your needs. Sex is important and natural and you are not wrong for wanting it.

BackInTheRoom · 22/12/2017 15:02

I'd tell him HE needs to do something about his libido. So unattractive having to sort these men out. 😕

Original poster

Naomi43 · 22/12/2017 16:53

I just want to add some more details because it is hard to convey the totality of a relationship in a post! My husband is very warm and affectionate. He cuddles me all the time. he gives me massages. And he is interested in sex- I mean he would like to have it two to three times a week. It is just that he does not satisfy me. He has kind of a low sex drive but at times it is higher. He does want to have sex. he does make me feel beautiful. he does admire my body and tell me I am pretty and attractive a lot. and he does so much other good for me and our child. I want to stay married to him.

It is just the sexual satisfaction part. ugh. I guess at this point I kind of accept that I cant have that, and we also just keep working on it. I am making an appointment with a therapist for us.

We just have a strained relationship when it comes to sex-- I go into it expecting dissatisfaction.
and once in a while he will do all he can to try to satisfy me, and I get some sort of mild relief. But it takes a he effort and a lot of time on his part. I don'tknow.

I also have chronic lyme disease and breathing issues and fatigue that have stemmed from that, for the last 4 years. so he as had to put up with my weaknesses and illnesses a lot, and has risen up to help out even more with childcare. he has always been very attentive to our child but when I am ill he often has to do a lot more.

so there is a lot going on in our marriage. And I am attracted to him and in love. but just not sexually satisfied.

how any of you are or aren't sexually satisfied in your marriages? I don't talk about it with anyone and do not know,

OP posts:

Isetan · 22/12/2017 17:31

The trouble is you hitched your wagon to someone who, despite your protestations that he enjoys sex, doesn’t sound like he does. You are sexually incompatible with your H and the signs were there from the beginning low sex drive etc but you chose to ignore them, in favour of waiting for him to spontaneously be someone (sexually) different.

As great as you say he is, he isn’t interested in satisfying you because after bloody thirteen years of instruction, he would have done so by now.

It sounds like you’re in denial about your sexual incompatibility and no amount of handwringing is going to change the incompatibility.

HRTpatch · 22/12/2017 17:34

I can assure you that menopausal women don't lose their libido. Mine has never been higher

Namethecat · 22/12/2017 17:34

You could both use a vibrator on the both of you.

Notfootball · 22/12/2017 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Naomi43 · 22/12/2017 17:53

thanks everyone. I know my message is confusing where I am saying first he has low sex drive and then later he is interested in sex. It really is both. he has low sex drive sometimes, and is interested in it sometimes. he is not asexual. he just ejaculates quickly and doesn't bring me to satisfaction. we are very open with eachother and I even had him read this post!! I wonder if he would be willing to post his experience of it on here, to maybe ask you guys for help? I will ask him if he will. I think from his perspective he is into sex, and attracted to me. he just does not know how to satisfy me or go longer in sex.
when I wrote the first post it was last night after a particularly frustrating experience.

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomi43 · 22/12/2017 18:28

This the OP's husband. This is my experience of the situation. I love her very much and am attracted to her sexually. Its just that I have a hard time reading her signals and figuring out what she wants from me. This makes it hard to initiate sex and I sometimes avoid it because I feel like its not going to go well. When we do get going I try to do things I think she might like but it never seems to be right. I know she would like me to have intercourse with her for a long time but I usually can't do that so I try to touch her in other ways instead. We eventually get to the intercourse and its usually satisfying for me but not for her. I then feel like I should make her climax in other ways but my sexual energy really gets drained when I ejaculate and its hard for me to stay excited about sex. She picks up on this and get mad that I'm not into it and not trying to make her feel good. Sometimes I can get partially hard again but it takes a while and usually doesn't make for good intercourse a second time. I'm generally frustrated that my body doesn't work right sexually and it hurts my marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomi43 · 22/12/2017 18:30

That is my husband's perspective on it. I really appreciate that he wrote that post. I had to convince him to do it but I wanted to show his side of it for a more balanced response. He really wants to do better but just doesn't know how.
Is there anything he can learn?

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/12/2017 18:39

If he brings you to orgasm first, manually, or with the aid of a sex toy, that would get round him losing energy once he has ejaculated.

pollydollymolly · 22/12/2017 18:42

Surely you would get better responses from a professionally qualified sex therapist rather than a bunch of randoms on the internet? 🙄

Original poster

Naomi43 · 22/12/2017 18:45

yes I have a call into a therapist for an appointment. We are just trying to see what others may suggest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Naomi43 · 22/12/2017 18:46

yes sponge bob he should bring me to orgasm first, he just has trouble figuring out how to

OP posts:

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