Sexually dissatisfied in my marriage

[Naomi43]

I am very sexually unsatisfied in my marriage and it is a big problem for me. I am a 44 year old woman, been with my husband almost 13 years, we have a 7 year old child.

My husband is very kind. I am in love with him. He is a great husband in so many ways. He is a great dad. He puts me and our child fist in his life. He is a lovely person. He is also handsome and attractive, and I am somewhat attracted to him.

But he cannot satisfy me what so ever and it has gotten to a breaking point. first, he has a low sex drive. He has some kind of hormonal issues, I think low testosterone. He is also infertile- he has azoospermia ( no sperm in his semen) and we conceived our child through donor sperm.
He likes sex, but he can go a few weeks without it. And then when we do do it, he is kind of helpless at it. In general he has ore of a passive personality and I am more assertive. But in sex, even after 13 years together, he is still clueless. to get anything out of it I have to dictate to him what to do like the whole time, which I hate. but I do it sometimes. But essentially he has no instinct about sex and a low sex drive. Tonight, for example, we got in bed and he just went right to sleep and we hadn't had sex in about 10 days and I was feeling like I really had this strong current of sexual desire in me, that just never ever gets fulfilled. And I just wanted him to have an instinct to want to do it. Well, after a bunch of crap he finally got sort of into it but basically just went right to the end part and of course ejaculated in under a minute. So I felt as usual totally dissatisfied. And I wanted him afterwards to at least make an effort to touch me or something with some kind of enthusiasm, without me having to dictate it. but no he was all annoying about it, and then finally made some half ass attempt . If he would have at least tried to satisfy me. I know he cant really control his quick ejaculations. He also has an erection that is like 80 o 85% erect but not 100%. That makes it more difficult to satisfy me too. But even that, I can forgive as long as he makes an effort to satisfy me but no, he just didn't again. like every other night. And it just made e cry in frustration, and finally came down and am writing this post.
I don't know what to do. Before him I had a lot of different partners over the years. Before me he only slept with one person and it was only a couple of times. He has never had a high sex drive. When we were dating he was more into it but he still never satisfied e. But I was so in love with him and I figured he would learn my body over time. But he never did. He likes sex he just does not satisfy me and does not realize how important it is ( thought I talk about it tons) that he puts in the effort. So I am so mad at him. And so disappointed in my marriage. And now I just hate him at the moment but I love him too. But I hate this constant sexual yearning I have that is just not getting met, and his annoying inability to step up and do a better job.

I do not want to break up with him! I love him. and we are good other than this. But I cant take this anymore. what do I do?

yes spongebob he should bring me to orgasm first, he just cant figure out how to very often.

Maybe you could direct his hands, if you haven't done it already? BTW, I think you are getting a bit of a tough time here. From what you are saying, you are engaging in sex that is satisfying for DH, whilst you are left high and dry. Not the same thing at all as 'forcing him into sex'

Surely you know what needs to be done to get you to orgasm? Show him!

In a previous life I was a psychosexual therapist and helped many couples with very similar problems. Please seek help from a qualified therapist, I think you will be amazed by the progress you can make. From what you both say you seem to have a solid relationship and would be ideal for therapy.

He says you get mad with him if he can't perform.

Is that true?

I get frustrated with him when he gets satisfied, and he knows I have not and then he tires out and doesn't make an effort for me. After years and years it can sometimes come out as anger on my part. But we do communicate well and have a solid relationship.

I have shown him and told him what to do a thousand times. he cannot seem to retain it so if I want to get any kind of satisfaction I basically have to talk him through it the whole time. Which I do sometimes but it is less than satisfying for me to have to be the leader in it, I would like it if he could figure it out on his own sometimes after 13 years of me showing him what I like!

Thanks for the encouragement and I will go with him to the therapist. We both want things to get better.

And also I am still curious in general how sexually satisfied other people are in their marriage? I don't actually talk about this with anyone in my real life friends which is why I sought out opinions here.

To be fair to your husband, he has always been like this, expecting people to change is not realistic

Ladies first should be observed here it is only good manners
There was something else I heard but cant remember it, something about a gentleman never leaves the bed until the lady just cant move

I'm sorry, something does not feel right about this thread. Feels like the OP is asking posters to describe how to make a female orgasm?

Apologies if I am off track.

Wow this thread went very weird.

Get some toys to spice things up. Show him how to use them...it's do frustrating when a partner doesn't try.

Leaves you feeling sad, anger, resentful and tearful. I've been there and I recall leaving the end and crying.

That very act and what followed it...has pretty much changed my direction in life.

Bringing a woman to orgasm isn’t as complex as driving a car! The physical steps are fairly easy once you are familiar with the controls, as it were. If you have shown him time and again what you like and where to put his hands there must be some deep seated reason why he can’t comply. Can you elaborate on that perhaps?

I agree with spongebob. Could he work on you first, before intercourse? Or could you use a sex toy after he's finished so at least you end up satisfied?

I agree with Alessandro. If he doesn’t need to be shown how to drive a car every time he gets into one, it’s not that he can’t retain the knowledge of how to satisfy you, it’s that he doesn’t care to learn.

I would like to delete this thread and do not know how. Can someone please tell me how to do that?

@irishe and @Be3Al2SiO36 exactly my thoughts. Smelt a rat when OP was interested in people's sexual satisfaction generally not even just from people in her own situation.

Naomi43
I think you are genuine and your story sounds exactly like mine.
Eventually I told my husband in order to save our marriage I would be getting my sexual satisfaction elsewhere and not feeling guilty about it and he was welcome to do the same.
This was 4 years ago. I have arrangements with other men and our marriage is so much better. I am happier because I feel sexually wanted and satisfied and now I love him for everything else he is and am no longer mad at him. He is happier because he no longer feels shit about himself for not being enough for me.
Mumsnet is very black and white about sex and monogamy.

I really for you. I’m in exactly the same position. 42, kids conceived with donor sperm (dh also azoospermia). We haven’t had sex in 7 years. No foreplay even, nothing. I had a very active sex life before meeting dh and a high sex drive. Dh is perfect in every other way and we have a fantastic family life which will always come first but I have found a way to meet my needs. I am having a very discreet affair with a man who is in a similar position with his wife. Not ideal I know, but there is no way I would ever break up my family X

Buy the book She Comes First. Have him read and digest it. Get him the audio book version on kindle and have him listen to it as he falls asleep. Then get him to practice...