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Original poster

No intimacy for 11 years

36 replies

ironpot · 21/12/2017 23:58

We've been married for 25 years, and for the last 11, have been sexless. I don't mean "less than 10 times a year", I mean nothing for 11 years. I accepted that when my wife had her menopause that it would diminish for a while, but it's never restarted, in spite of me trying to woo her. When I try to talk to her about it, I'm told that if I want sex, to use a prostitute, and if I want emotional involvement, I should use someone else. I can't afford counselling, and don't know which way to turn.

OP posts:
anotherchange111 · 22/12/2017 00:01

That's really sad.

Why are you still with her? I think if my partner said that I would leave.

Original poster
ironpot · 22/12/2017 00:08

I can't afford the divorce. At the moment, we're struggling, but that's not the issue here. It's a total lack of intimacy - no hugs, no kissing, and certainly no sex. Nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
ironpot · 22/12/2017 00:10

My self-esteem has plummeted, and it's taking a toll on my health.

OP posts:
Smeaton · 22/12/2017 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ironpot · 22/12/2017 00:15

I'd forgotten that...... Thanks.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 22/12/2017 00:15

What are you hoping for from posting on mumsnet?

Agerbilatemycardigan · 22/12/2017 00:24

Do you love her OP? If not, why are you staying in a sexless and loveless marriage? The lack of sex is one thing, but the withholding of affection would be the deciding factor for me.

It's not healthy for either of you. Sadly, separation might be the only option.

SandyY2K · 22/12/2017 00:39

Do you still have kids are home...and she's giving you the go ahead to have a relationship outside .... she either doesn't fancy you or really even like you much and may well be having an affair herself... or she doesnt want sex with anyone...ever.

What's stopping you from finding intimacy
elsewhere? I'd be telling you won't be using a prostitute, but will consider pursuing a relationship with another woman.

Why would you resort to paying for sex. I find that quite insultive from your wife... as though you can't get a woman without paying.

Sounds like you are being used for the finances.

Live your life. Pursue outside interests....look after yourself physically and emotionally...build up your confidence and get an exit plan in place.

Cariadd · 22/12/2017 00:46

It must be very difficult. What she said is not nice at all. However, some men as they get older are incapable of having sexual for various reasons. Is there any reason she may be incapable of having sex with you? Could she be saying nasty comments to mask the fact that she actually has nil sex drive nor desire and feels embarrassed to tell you?

Jobjobjob · 22/12/2017 00:46

What are you hoping for from posting on mumsnet?

Some compassion???

Op get out, it's not right!

ahola · 22/12/2017 01:21

Do you love her? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your lives?

LemonysSnicket · 22/12/2017 01:55

That’s awful, my DP and I have issues with lack of arc but we’re very communicative about why and how etc. How horrible, and thank you for appreciating the hormonal change. If you’re unwilling to accept the relationship as just companionship then I’m afraid divorce seems likely. Have you been to counselling etc? I’m not big on sex but would never refer my DP to a prostitute .

LemonysSnicket · 22/12/2017 01:57

Oh and even without sex we’re very kiss’y etc

I agree - are you in love? Or just in a joyless marriage ?

ThatWasNotLove · 22/12/2017 02:18

OP I've been in a sexless marriage for 5 years now. Your self esteem doesn't just get ruined, it gets painfully eaten away.

I'm going through a separation now. It's slow for multiple reasons which sometimes is frustrating and sometimes is for the best.

But telling him it was over, like putting my stake in the ground and saying I'm not pretending we have a marriage anymore, was SUCH a relief. Also very hard. But worth it.

This is your life. You've lived it her way for 11 years. You've given yourself to her more than is meant in the marriage vows, because it's destroying you. Marriage is not supposed to be destructive.

Margaritaanyone89 · 22/12/2017 03:00

This sounds awful :(

Would it be so unreasonable to go to a brothel or hire an escort?

If I was you, I would just leave, especially if it's damaging your health. Re-connect with friends and family so you have a solid support network and escape. Everyone deserves love and happiness.

Isetan · 22/12/2017 03:32

Sex and intimacy aren’t the same thing but your partner has checked out of both with you. The balls in your court because she’s made it very clear where her position is.

It takes two to have a sexless marriage. If you aren’t open to an open relationship but you still want sex and intimacy, then you’re in the wrong relationship.

bambambini · 22/12/2017 03:58

Would it be so unreasonable to go to a brothel or hire an escort? “

Yes it would be but the Op is not unreasonable to want more than he has.

AstridWhite · 22/12/2017 08:27

What are you hoping for from posting on mumsnet?

BOF Maybe the same sort of support, advice and understanding a woman would expect to receive if they posted with the same issue?

ShatnersWig · 22/12/2017 08:33

Been there, OP. Although in my case 5 years. Get out.

ThatWasNotLove · 22/12/2017 08:47

Iseran "It takes two to have a sexless marriage."

No, it takes one. Unless the other doesn't care about consent.

Emmageddon · 22/12/2017 09:23

Make 2018 the year you start living again. Separate from your wife. Start dating. Find some happiness. Life is too short to be miserable.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/12/2017 09:43

Life is way to short to live like this.
Please do see if you can find a way to get out of this.
It's already messing with your mental health and it won't get better - only worse.
Time to put yourself first.
Separate as soon as you can.
You get one shot at this life!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 22/12/2017 09:45

Really BitOfFun ?????
Hundreds of people post on here for basically the same reasons.
Some understanding.
A handhold.
Some advice from people who been through similar things.
Validation of their feelings.
Support!!!
Your question is very odd indeed!

pollythedolly · 22/12/2017 11:33

That's awful OP. You only get one life, it doesn't sound like there's going to be a change forthcoming. I take it you've tried to discuss all this with her?

BackInTheRoom · 22/12/2017 15:00

Go read some John Gottman books.

What happened 11 years ago?

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